Visitors : Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly, and leap playfully on this person.
Licking : Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. They prefer clean tongues.
The art of sniffing : Humans like to be sniffed .... everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
Holes : Rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers.
Housebreaking : Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
Going on walks : When out for a walk, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
Playing : If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
Barking : You are expected to bark, so bark a lot. Your humans will be especially happy to hear you protecting their house late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more comforting feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective: "bark, bark, bark..."
Humans love the smell of shit breath. Make sure to lick your butt thoroughly after a bowel movement.
If you have an accident, make sure you and have it on the Persian rug instead of a full house of hardwood flooring.
Puking - If you must puke, then puke when humans are sitting down for a meal. Loud gagging is encouraged. Ignore all human yelling to get you to stop or move. Once you have accomplished puking, sniffing and licking it up is an art form to be mastered in order to be truly a dog among dogs. A perfectly timed puke (at a human mealtime) almost always guarantees perfect scraps for your bowl.
Pillow humping (otherwise known as "imaginative skull banging of bad humans") - Pillow hump in the presence of humans. The tv sofa is a good place to look for a nice pillow. A perfect time to pillow hump is during humans favorite tv shows. The more people watching, the more exciting. During pillow humping, defend pillow with your life. Never allow master or other humans touch this pillow when engaged. Ignore any human laughter and pointing of finger. In any event that this should happen, imagine that you are banging this human's head.
When your human comes home from work, hang your head low and approach your human slowly as if you did something wrong. Your human will have hours of fun trying to solve the mystery.
ARF ARF ARF
