Yet more funnies

[peter]

A short story.
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies.

Women's thought for the day: Why won't men just listen.

Men's thought for the day: Why won't women explain things clearly.

[Nature's Babe]

Men from mars and women from venus... nicely balanced humour
Peter

[peter]

The difference between girls through the decades:

At eight you take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 you tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 you don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 she tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 she tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 you stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 if you take her to bed, that'll be a story.

t 78 What story? Whose bed? Who the hell are you?

[peter]

My senile friend spends all day, ringing his front door bell, then walking round the back through the house and opening the front door.
I don't think he knows what he is letting himself in for.

[peter]

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
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Answer : Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
(This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way).



2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

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Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. (This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions).

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?
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Correct Answer: Try to keep up! It's the *elephant*. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. (This tests your memory).

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.


4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?

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Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting! (This tests your memory - again!)



So, how did you do?
************

[donedigging]

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill
except for learning how to grow in rows.
- Doug Larson

[Nature's Babe]

Then all my plants are weeds I don't plant in straight rows, we had some very nice potatoes, french beans and tomato weeds tonight

[donedigging]

A small boy is helping his dad dig up potatotes. " what I want to know" he says, "is why you buried the darn things in the first place"

[Shallot Man]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,

'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: -

'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister,

and now wish to withdraw that statement..

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;

and to have the two as close together as possible

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books.

You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;

if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.

Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,

people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness....

But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.

Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things

that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down

if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation.

As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.

But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step,

he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.







May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.



Wine does not make you FAT ...- it makes you LEAN....
Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.

[peter]

A gorgeous young redhead goes to the doctor's surgery and complains that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor "Show me."
The redhead took her finger and pushed it on her shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even louder. Then she pushed her knee and screamed, likewise her ankle.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
"You're not really a redhead, are you?" asked the doctor.
"Well no" she said "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so" said the doctor

"Your finger is broken you idiot."

[alan refail]

This year's top ten jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels."

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess."

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure."

8 Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails."

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin."

[KGAdmin]

Fantastic - been trying to catch the Fringe highlights on BBC4 - very good this year!


KGAdmin

[Geoff]

I don't believe the winner - it's been around for years with the Irish Bank one:

During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found
that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied

'Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to
be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'

[peter]

I grew up in a tough area.

When i was a kid, people used to cover me in chocolate and cream then put a cherry on my head...

Life was tough in the gateau.

[peter]

Walked passed the fridge earlier and thought I heard an onion singing a BeeGee's song.

But when I opened the fridge door it was just a chive talking...

I asked the chive if he wanted to be an onion?


But it said..............I'm stayin' a chive, stayin' a chive ah, ah, ah. ah stayin' a chive.