Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[MikA]

Peter

what happened to 8 and 9 ?

0123456789ABCDEF
10, 11, 12, 13 ..........1F
20 ETC.

[alan refail]

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

Then again, depends on which language you're thinking about.

German - 8 (acht)

French, Spanish, Italian - 4 (quatre, cuatro, quattro)

very soon in Welsh - 2 (dau)

and immediately in Irish - 1 (aon)

[Shallot Man]

HELP. can someone go online to today's Daily Mail, and download our soldiers spoof photo's please. Hilarious.

[Shallot Man]

Dear Mr. Cameron,



Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK’s economy.



Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.



You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:



There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.



Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:



1) They MUST retire.

Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed



2) They MUST buy a new British car.

Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed



3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -

Housing Crisis fixed



4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -

Crime rate fixed



5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week.....

And there's your money back in duty/tax etc



It can't get any easier than that!



P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances



If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.









Also………..

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.



This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.



They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.



They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.



Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.



A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.



They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.



They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.



Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.



Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.



Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.



There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.



The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.



Think about this (more points of contention):





COWS

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria?



And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

------------------------------------------------------------------------





Also;

Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of Britain to speak up!

[The Mouse]

... "Polish Remover"

You are absolutely right!
Don't you just hate it when you mess it up (or in this case 'miss off', the punch line!!!

[The Mouse]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.


2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.


3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.


4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.


5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.


Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy.....Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'


The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

........'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

[JohnN]

Mike was going to be married to Karen. 
So his Father sat him down for a little chat.

 He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. 
On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. 
I can't wear them. '

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in 
This family and I always will.' 

Ever since that night, we have 
Never had any problems.


'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. 

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!


 She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.' 

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family 
And I always will. 
I don't want you to ever forget that.'


Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine ! 


Mike did and said,
'I can't get into your panties. '

Karen said, 'Exactly. 
And if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

[Shallot Man]

JohnN. Great.

[snooky]

During the 4th hole the following conversations took place:

First Guy :
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend... I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy :
That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy :
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him : 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy :
I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her ass and said: 'Golf course or inter course? ' She said: 'Wear sun-block."

[snooky]

If you are a senior you will understand this one, if you deal with seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, and if you are not a senior yet........God willing, someday you will be.......

The £2.99 Special



We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for £2.99.

'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs...'

'Then, I'll have to charge you £3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.

'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.

'YES!' stated the waitress.

'I'll take the special then,' my wife said..

'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.

'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!


Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!

Even non-seniors will appreciate it!

[JohnN]

The ‘Middle Wife'
by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher



I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best "birth" story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back. 

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my kids. It helps them get over shyness, and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever, place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome. 


Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. 

She holds up a snapshot of a baby.
'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.
First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.' 


She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.


'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'
Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.
'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning!)


'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.'
Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.


'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'
This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away - it was too much!
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they said was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

[The Mouse]

Japanese Knickers - Wait Until These Hit Tesco

image001.jpg (25.86 KiB) Viewed 5232 times

What you see are not see-thru skirts.
They are actually prints on the skirts to make it look as if the panties are visible.
They are the current rage in Japan !

image002.jpg (16.42 KiB) Viewed 5232 times

image006.jpg (15.93 KiB) Viewed 5232 times

I forward this as a public service, so you won't have a heart attack when the rage reaches here!!

[snooky]

Send A man was sick and tired
Of going to work every day
While his wife stayed home.

He wanted her to see what he went

Through so he prayed:

'Dear Lord:

I go to work every day and put

In 8 hours while my wife

Merely stays at home.

I want her to know what

I go through.

So, please allow her body to

Switch with mine for a day.
'

God, in his infinite wisdom,

Granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough,

The man awoke as a woman...

He arose, cooked breakfast

For his mate,

Awakened the kids,


Set out their school clothes,

Fed them breakfast,

Packed their lunches,

Drove them to school,

Came home and picked

Up the dry cleaning,

Took it to the cleaners

And stopped at the bank

To make a deposit,

Went grocery shopping,

Then drove home to put

Away the groceries,

Paid the bills and balanced

The check book.

He cleaned the cat's litter box

And bathed the dog..

Then, it was already 1 P.M.

And he hurried to make the beds,

Do the laundry, vacuum,

Dust, And sweep and mop

The kitchen floor.

Ran to the school to pick up

The kids and got into an argument

With them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and

Got the kids organized to do

Their homework.

Then, set up the ironing board

And watched TV while he

Did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling

Potatoes and washing

Vegetables for salad,

Breaded the pork chops

And snapped

Fresh beans for supper.

After supper,

He cleaned the kitchen,

Ran the dishwasher,

Folded laundry,

Bathed the kids, And put

Them to bed.

At 9 P.M. He was exhausted

And, though his daily chores

Weren't finished, he went to

Bed where he was expected to

Make love, which he managed

To get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke

And immediately knelt by the

Bed and said: -

Lord, I don't know what

I was thinking.

I was so wrong to envy my

Wife's' being able to stay

Home all day.

Please, Oh! Please,

Let us trade back.. Amen!'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied:

'My son, I feel you have

Learned your lesson and

I will be happy to change

Things back to the way

They were.

You'll just have to wait

Nine months, though.

You got pregnant last night.'


This has been voted

Women's Favorite

E-mail of the Year!

If you agree, send it

To all your friends who

Would enjoy this!!!!

[snooky]

UPDATE ON MY SURGERY!!
.
I tried to keep this a secret, but somehow the
News leaked out about it, so I thought I had
Better tell everyone.
Dear Family and Friends,
.
Most of you know I went in for a surgical
Procedure for an Arse Lift. I didn't have the
Most pleasant experience. I should've left
Well enough alone.
.
I wanted to show you how it turned out. I
Hope this keeps YOU from having this done.
.
Please, PLEASE, PLEASE don't get an Arse Lift. You will most certainly regret it !!!
.

big girl.jpg (25.9 KiB) Viewed 5232 times

[snooky]

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you
Will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one
Of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this ....










You got Male!