Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[alan refail]

SEX with your doctor's receptionist - Clerical Medical

SEX with cook - Domestic and General

SEX with - Hiscox

[The Mouse]

There's a new business started up near us, making landmines that look like prayer mats. Apparently, prophets are going through the roof!

[snooky]

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

[Shallot Man]

Tech Support ( Questions & Answers )
................................................................................
Tech Support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer:�A white one.
...............................................
.
Customer:�Hi, this is Celine.� I can't get my DVD
out�!!!
Tech Support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer:�Yes, I'm sure it's really stuck.
Tech Support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:�No, wait a minute, I hadn't inserted it
yet.� It's still on my desk . . . sorry.� Thank you.
...............................................
.
Tech Support: Click on the 'MY COMPUTER' icon on the
left of the screen.
Customer:��� Your left or my left?
...............................................
.
Tech Support: Hello.� How may I help you?
Male Customer:� Hi .. . . I can't print.
Tech Support: Would you click on 'START' for me and . .
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on
me.� I'm not Billi Gates!!!
...............................................
.
Customer:�Good afternoon, this is Martha.� I can't
print.� Every time I try, it says . . .. 'CAN'T FIND
PRINTER'.� I even lifted the printer and placed it
in front of the monitor, but the computer still
says it can't find it!!!
..............................................
.
Customer:�I have problems printing in red.
Tech Support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer:�Aaaah . . . . .. .. . . . . thank you.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:�A teddy bear that my boyfriend bought for
me at the 7-11 store.
................................................
.
Customer:�My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged
into the computer?
Customer:�No.� I can't get behind the computer.
Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten
steps backwards..
Customer:�Okay..
Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:�Yes.
Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged
in.� Is there another keyboard?
Customer:�Yes, there's another one here.� Wait a
moment please. . .. . . . .� Ah, that one does work.
Thanks.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in
apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.
Customer:�Is that '7' in capital letters?
..............................................
.
Customer:�I can't get on the Internet.
Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the
correct password?
Customer:�Yes, I'm sure� I saw my co-worker do it.
Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:�Five dots.
..............................................
.
Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:�Netscape
Tech Support:�That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:�Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.
...............................................
.
Customer:�I have a huge problem! My friend has
placed a screen saver on my computer . . . but,
every�time I move my mouse, it disappears.
...............................................
.
Tech Support: How may I help you?
Customer:�I'm writing my first email.
Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:�Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address,
but how do I get the little circle around it.
...............................................
.
A woman customer called the Canon help desk because
she had a problem with her printer.
Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that
is a good point.� The man sitting next to me is by
a window, and his printer is working fine!
................................................
.
.
And last, but not least . . .

Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape
keys at the same time.�That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen.�Now, type the letter 'P' to bring
up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don't have a 'P'.
Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean�?
Tech Support: 'P' . . .. on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!
..............................................
.
This outta make you feel better about your computer skills

[Shallot Man]

S**t ive done it again.

[Shallot Man]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.



Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.



He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.



Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.



"What the are you doing Mick" says Paddy.



"Jee Paddy, ye frightened the livin' out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor..........

[peter]

S**t ive done it again.

I think I've found what's causing this issue Shallotman!


It's your name.


Well Shallots start out as one single bulb and finish up as many identicals ones.....

[oldherbaceous]

Oh Peter, that's awful.

[snooky]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.










The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner, talk about Dyson with death.





Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

[Shallot Man]

peter. Now that brought a smile to my lips.

[Shallot Man]

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

PRICELESS

[Shallot Man]

The following are all replies that Manchester women have written on Child Support Agency Forms in the section for listing "father's details;" or putting it another way.... Who's your Daddy?

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check out 10. It takes 1st prize and 3 is runner up.



1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, Makeeshia was fathered by Maclearndon McKinley I am unsure as to the identity of the father of Marlinda, but I believe that she was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure, as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 East Bolton Avenue where I had sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you please send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was ejaculat and that he is the Saver risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of Alleshia dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country . Please advise...

7.Tyrone Hairston is the father of child A If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well, I don't have clue.

8. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro-Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom

9. So much about that night is a blur The only thing that I remember for sure is Gordon Ramsey did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 56 Miller St, mine might have remained unfertilized.

10. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all, like when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[Shallot Man]

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,
''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.



I Love This Country!
It's The Government That Scares The Hell Outta Me

[Shallot Man]

Subject: Golf Etiquette Sign

This is a sign posted at a golf club in Scotland


1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.

2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.

3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!

4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.

5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.

6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.

7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.

8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.

9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.

10.. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE... NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, WASH YOUR HANDS, GO OUTSIDE
AND TEE OFF.

[Shallot Man]

> The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They’ve imported 50 million
> tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.
> _________________________________________________________________
>
> Paddy says to Mick, “Jeez, I’m ready for me holiday … but this year I’m
> going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain - and
> Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got
> pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant.”
>
>
>
> Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”
>
>
>
> Paddy replies, “Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!”
> _________________________________________________________________
>
> Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ...
>
>
>
> Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
> _________________________________________________________________
>
> Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police
> station.
>
>
>
> Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
>
>
>
> Paddy: "We’ll lie and say we only found two."
> _________________________________________________________________
>
> Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the
> shampoo?"
>
>
>
> Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."