TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'
Please can we have some more 'funnies'?
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
boy do I feel better, very funny 
-
Primrose
- KG Regular
- Posts: 8096
- Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2006 8:50 pm
- Location: Bucks.
- Has thanked: 47 times
- Been thanked: 324 times
Sometime this year we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the governmet get this money from?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose this payment?
A. the plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how best to help the UK economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely.
If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka
If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales or
2. Going to night clubs or
3. Spending it on prostitutes or
4. Beer or whisky or
5. Tattoos
(These are the only businesses still operating in the UK).
Be patriotic. Go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night.
This is indeed a very exciting program and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the governmet get this money from?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose this payment?
A. the plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how best to help the UK economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely.
If you spend the stimulus money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China, Taiwan or Sri Lanka
If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales or
2. Going to night clubs or
3. Spending it on prostitutes or
4. Beer or whisky or
5. Tattoos
(These are the only businesses still operating in the UK).
Be patriotic. Go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night.
Last edited by Primrose on Thu May 19, 2011 9:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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donedigging
- KG Regular
- Posts: 963
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:13 pm
- Location: Bristol
Are you insured for sex?
Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find the list below catering for most tastes.
Sex with your wife- Legal and General
Sex on the telephone- Direct line
Sex with your Partner- Standard Life
Sex with sum 1 different- Go Compare
Sex with a Fat bird- More Than
Sex on the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a posh bird- Privileged
Sex with a transvestite
Confused.com!!!!!
Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find the list below catering for most tastes.
Sex with your wife- Legal and General
Sex on the telephone- Direct line
Sex with your Partner- Standard Life
Sex with sum 1 different- Go Compare
Sex with a Fat bird- More Than
Sex on the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels
Sex with a posh bird- Privileged
Sex with a transvestite
Confused.com!!!!!
donedigging
-
oldherbaceous
- KG Regular
- Posts: 14433
- Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:52 pm
- Location: Beautiful Bedfordshire
- Has thanked: 711 times
- Been thanked: 710 times
Ooooo eckkkk. 
Kind Regards, Old Herbaceous.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no fool like an old fool.
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alan refail
- KG Regular
- Posts: 7254
- Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
- Been thanked: 7 times
A few you missed, donedigging.
SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy
SEX in a hurry- Insure & go
SEX with an o.a.p - saga
SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union
oh yes, nearly forgot
SEX with an alcoholic - AA
SEX with your future wife - Mutual Trust
SEX with your secretary - Employers Liability
SEX with a prostitute - Commercial Union
SEX with your biographer - Quote me happy
SEX in a hurry- Insure & go
SEX with an o.a.p - saga
SEX with a sheep - Farmers Union
oh yes, nearly forgot
SEX with an alcoholic - AA
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alan refail
- KG Regular
- Posts: 7254
- Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
- Been thanked: 7 times
...and another one:
NO SEX WITH ANYONE AT ALL - Virgin
NO SEX WITH ANYONE AT ALL - Virgin
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oldherbaceous
- KG Regular
- Posts: 14433
- Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:52 pm
- Location: Beautiful Bedfordshire
- Has thanked: 711 times
- Been thanked: 710 times
Morning Alan, i must say, you are on full form this morning. 
Kind Regards, Old Herbaceous.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no fool like an old fool.
-
KGAdmin
- Site Admin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Fri Nov 18, 2005 1:26 pm
- Location: Horncastle
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 1 time
- Contact:
FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY-
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and
going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of
the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
KGAdmin
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
23. My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and
going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of
the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to
reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
53. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
54. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
KGAdmin
-
alan refail
- KG Regular
- Posts: 7254
- Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
- Been thanked: 7 times
SEX with many prostitutes - Compare the market.com
SEX with a canary (or Delia Smith) - Norwich Union
SEX with a consenting adult of either sex - Co-operative insurance
SEX in Tesco's - Money supermarket.com
Transgender SEX - uSwitch
SEX with a canary (or Delia Smith) - Norwich Union
SEX with a consenting adult of either sex - Co-operative insurance
SEX in Tesco's - Money supermarket.com
Transgender SEX - uSwitch
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donedigging
- KG Regular
- Posts: 963
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:13 pm
- Location: Bristol
Dear Alan,
Brilliant
SEX with many prostitutes - Compare the market.com
SEX with a canary (or Delia Smith) - Norwich Union
SEX with a consenting adult of either sex - Co-operative insurance
SEX in Tesco's - Money supermarket.com
Transgender SEX - uSwitch
Brilliant
donedigging
-
oldherbaceous
- KG Regular
- Posts: 14433
- Joined: Tue Jan 24, 2006 1:52 pm
- Location: Beautiful Bedfordshire
- Has thanked: 711 times
- Been thanked: 710 times
Well i think you are all very naughty opening my mind up to new ideas.
Kind Regards, Old Herbaceous.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no fool like an old fool.