Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Shallot Man]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they
haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.

"Waddington-Smythe, England" he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around, picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.

"O'Malley, Ireland," he says, "Fencing".

[Shallot Man]

A Man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
********************
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
**********************
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks... They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
*************************
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
************************
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
*************************
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman.. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . ..










'You just happened to catch my eye.'

(Oh shut up, and just forward it!)

[Shallot Man]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a very rude name . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him an even ruder name, “---- head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Colin_M]

Why Parents are driven to drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there? ''Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a copper would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child. 'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

[Geoff]

When Insults Had Class
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.."
Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -
Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -
Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

[Colin_M]

Gosh, Twain & Churchill come out of this as good candidates for "Grumpy old Men"!

[Johnboy]

Hi Colin,
I suspect that you have viewed "the two" in the wrong light as they were both exceedingly humorous people.
Bessie Braddock to Winston Churchill.
"Winston Churchill you are drunk!"
Winston Churchill to Bessie Braddock.
"Bessie Braddock you are ugly but in the morning I will be sober!"
JB.

[alan refail]

A particularly appropriate Churchillism -

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

How true! Don't tell me who I'm thinking of!

And another appropriate one for what I am thinking of -

I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.

[Johnboy]

Hi Alan,
Tired as I am I had already realised 'who' before I managed to read the second line!!!!! How apt.
JB.

[Shallot Man]

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"So tell me then," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Tooting, London , England , and still wearing all this shit?"


"Live like it's your last day!"

[Shallot Man]

A 5-YEAR OLD'S FIRST JOB!


Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a


little 5-year old girl and some construction workers that will make you


believe that we can all make a difference when we give a child the gift


of our time.


A young family moved into a housenext to a vacant lot. One day, a


construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.


The young family's 5-year old daughter naturally took an interest in


all the activity going on next door and spent much of the day observing


the workers.


Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more


or less, adopted her as kind of project mascot. They chatted with her,


let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave


her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.


At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay


envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her


mother who suggested that she take her ten d ollars "pay" she'd


received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.


When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally


impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own


pay cheque at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I


worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house


next door to us."


"O goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the


house again next week too?"


The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever


deliver the rack' drywall......


apoligies for the latin

[Shallot Man]

So it’s not just Sarah Palin…

AND YOU THINK WE'VE GOT PROBLEMS WITH UK POLITICIANS!


A Washington DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of why America is in trouble...

1. I had a New Hampshire Republican Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard
Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of
the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with,
''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is
in Massachusetts , Capetown is in Africa ''

His response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a
Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando
. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not
possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very
thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it
possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked
if he could rent a car in Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed
he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to
rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a
car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Republican Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last
week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit
left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she
couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane
went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines
put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on
my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is
(FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination
tag on his luggage.

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a
trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked,
''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to
Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D)
from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my
flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA)
Called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to
get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. Mary Landrieu (D-La) Senator called and had a question about the
documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion
about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't.
I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told
her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they
have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Jersey Republican Congressman (John Adler ) called to make
reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ..''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the
name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up
every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.
Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You
don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''


Now you know why the US Government is in the shape that it's in!

Could anyone be this DUMB?

YES

[snooky]

GOD, THE DEVIL & FAT

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.


Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and
Magnums.
And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!'
And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they
gained 10 pounds




And God created the healthy yoghurt that woman might keep the figure
that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the
cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14.



So God said, 'Try my fresh green salad'. And Satan presented Blue
Cheese
dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened
their belts following the repast.

God then said 'I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them'.
and Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped
lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own
platter, Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato; naturally low in fat and brimming
with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre
into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of
salt, man put on more pounds.



God then brought forth running shoes so
that his children might lose those extra pounds. Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would
not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.



Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and
still satisfy his appetite. Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan
said 'You want fries with that?' and Man replied, 'Yes, and super size 'em'.
Satan said, 'It is good.' And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed ......... And created quadruple by-pass surgery.
then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.

[snooky]

>
>
>
>
>
> Married Life...........
>
> A woman is sitting at home on the veranda with her husband and she says,
> "I love you."
>
> He asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
>
> She replies, "It's me.....talking to the wine.

[Primrose]

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the Old Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. 'HEBREWS'