Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[snooky]

IDIOT SIGHTING.

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Ipswich, Qld.


IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council P & W office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.






IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Bankstown, Sydney.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.


IDIOT SIGHTING:

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'


STAY ALERT!
They walk among us...

[Shallot Man]

The following questions were set in last year's education standards audit
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U.. (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. ( OMG )

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[alan refail]

Hi Shallot Man

They do say the old ones are the best

viewtopic.php?p=90506#p90506

[snooky]

FOR ALL THE LADIES I KNOW WHO DRIVE ALONE!


I had a flat tyre on the highway yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my boot.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike, you wouldn't believe it!!!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road!

People hoooted and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing! So I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn't believe he didn't know ... SO I told him ....

Well DUH .... I explained to the angry Policeman ....


They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!

flashers.jpg (47.89 KiB) Viewed 3762 times

I go to court in OCTOBER.

(Damn Police. No sense of humour. )

[JohnN]

This is true - honest, I was there.
Ginger and Jane are having drinks in our local pub, with the usual crowd. Ginger is an ex-sailor, Jane a fairly sophisticated lady. Ginger is telling a story he's heard about 3 wives describing their spouses in terms of birds. One says "Mine's like an eagle, very proud and high flying". The next says "Mine's like a dove, calm and peaceful". The third says "Mine's like a starling ...." . At which point Jane puts her hand on Ginger's arm and whispers "Darling, you've got it wrong". Ginger brushes her aside and continues ".... like a starling, bloody irritating and hard to get rid of." He then turns to Jane and says "A starling is a much more irritating bird than a thrush".
Collapse of assembled company, much to Ginger's delight.
John N

[DiG]

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you!

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while:
Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there;
its the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
<>
Now we know why some people are where they are!

[Johnboy]

Hi Diane,
Brilliant!
JB.

[Shallot Man]

"SPEAKERS ON"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM

[DiG]

You beat me to it Shallot Man. I received the same link from a friend yesterday.

Sweet FA have to be unique.

[snooky]

>>
>>>> CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
>>>>
>>>> Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
>>>>
>>>> Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
>>>>
>>>> Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
>>>>
>>>> Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
>>>>
>>>> Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.
>>>>
>>>> Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
>>>>
>>>> Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car
>>>> gets exhausted.
>>>>
>>>> Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
>>>>
>>>> War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
>>>>
>>>> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
>>>>
>>>> It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.
>>>>
>>>> Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
>>>>
>>>> Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
>>>>
>>>> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
>>>>
>>>> Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
>>>>
>>>> Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .
>>>>
>>>> "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
>>>>

[Johnboy]

Hi Snooky,
One you left out. Confucius says, Woman with skirt up runs faster than man with trousers down!
JB.

[Shallot Man]

Good one snooky.

[alan refail]

On wisdom, Confucius say...
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who sit on tack get point!

Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!

Man stuck in pantry have ass in jam.

When called an idiot sometimes is better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt.

Man who behaves like an ass will be the butt of those who crack jokes.

He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.

Man who put head on railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.

He who buries a man's wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table without the subject coming up.

Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting-image of father.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get tone of A flat miner.

Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.

Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.

[Shallot Man]

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.'
Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
WAIT FOR IT






'Aye'tis,
NOW hand me dat shovel.'

[Shallot Man]

Over in the UK, a very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action Group”.
She had tried every technique in the book without the
slightest success. No-one was improving.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham."

"That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist.

"Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

“That's no better.There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.”

“How about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London .."

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said




"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".