Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[peter]

Sad thing is Alan, I have visited the "Secret Nuclear Bunker".
Originally a 1950s RAF area command bunker allied to RAF North Weald, one galleried plotting table floor was made into a full floor and it became a Regional Seat of Government during the Cold War, before as surplus to requirements it was sold back to the farming family the land was requisitioned from.
Now turned into a tourist attraction, Essex County Council has ceased putting up separate signs as they kept getting stolen for souvenirs.

[snooky]

Temperance.jpg (74.61 KiB) Viewed 3756 times

[snooky]

Vandalism.jpg (38.17 KiB) Viewed 3756 times

[Shallot Man]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after

her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.


She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling
and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together,
in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when
dogs mate.


Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it
was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.


Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and
place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise
of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to
withdraw."


"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[alan refail]

A burglar broke into a house one Christmas Eve looking for presents while the family were out. He shone his torch around, looking, when a voice in the dark said,"Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a while, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so that he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, eh? And who are you?" "Moses." replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus......."

[Shallot Man]

Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heartwarming story.





My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"


"Grandpa"


The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels whiskey, and women with big tits."

[snooky]

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.
You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your
willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance
compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy
that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing
is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how
many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your
wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might
be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make
the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken
with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.


"We're having granite worktops."

[The Mouse]

That's brilliant, Snooky - and oh so true to life!

[Shallot Man]

Winter Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, January 31st, 2011

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS.
Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past Marks & Spencer Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Handbag and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Tongs--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Programme.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch -They Make Medicine for PMT - and How To Use It!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live - How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

Send this to all your male friends to make their day.
And to any female friends who may have a sense of humour!

[Shallot Man]

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them,

'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.



If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'



By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would

that get me into heaven? Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.



I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'



A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

[Shallot Man]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
>
>
> Men Are Just Happier People-- Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too dirty. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.. One mood all the time.
>
> Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.. Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
>
> You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pen knife.. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
>
> You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
>
> No wonder men are happier.
>
> Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

[Shallot Man]

You must watch this on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWFq-v7TKdQ

[Shallot Man]

(Thoughtful Husband, not many of you left)


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Jim.
Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Christine.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Christine to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.



Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work and although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.
I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out twice is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points .

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Christine.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will even find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,

JIM




EDITOR'S NOTE:

Jim died suddenly on May 27 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Christine was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[alan refail]

[Bren]

The Value of old age

Remember old folk are worth a fortune, with silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and gas in their stomachs.

I am a quiet old frivolus old girl, I am seeing 5 gentlemen each day.

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me out of bed, then I go to visit Lou, next it;s time for Mr. Quaker to give me my oats, They leave and Arthur Ritis shows up for the rest of the day, he doesn't stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I am ready for bed with Johnny Walker.

And oh yes I'm flirting with Al Zymer

The Vicar came the other day and said , at your age you should be thinking about the hereafter, I told him OH I do, no matter where I am in the lounge or upstairs, in the kitchen or in the cellar I ask mtself Now what am I here after.

Bren