You have to love British humor!
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper The Yorkshire post!!
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old.
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES : NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Please can we have some more 'funnies'?
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
Adopt A Terrorist - Take a minute to read this... its quite humorous!!
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa,ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defence
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa,ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defence
Last edited by Shallot Man on Sun Jan 30, 2011 12:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
oop's Ive done it again. 
-
Geoff
- KG Regular
- Posts: 5785
- Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2005 5:33 pm
- Location: Forest of Bowland
- Been thanked: 319 times
1. Go to Google Maps and click on Get Directions.
2. Write USA as your start point.
3. Write Japan as your destination.
4. Go to the 31st point on your route and when you stop laughing, email this so that others can laugh at it too....
2. Write USA as your start point.
3. Write Japan as your destination.
4. Go to the 31st point on your route and when you stop laughing, email this so that others can laugh at it too....
-
Primrose
- KG Regular
- Posts: 8096
- Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2006 8:50 pm
- Location: Bucks.
- Has thanked: 47 times
- Been thanked: 324 times
Lovely! Looks like the bright spark who wrote these directions was the same person in the Indian Call Centre who recently suggested to us how we could resolve a banking problem !
-
snooky
- KG Regular
- Posts: 1033
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
- Location: Farnborough
- Has thanked: 16 times
- Been thanked: 65 times
go to google maps, go to get directions, then type japan as start location, then china as the end location, then go to direction 43.
and also San Francisco to Honolulu,direction 15
and Taiwan to China,direction 24.
and also San Francisco to Honolulu,direction 15
and Taiwan to China,direction 24.
Regards snooky
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland
> pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced
> toward him out of a cloud of dust.
>
> >
>
> >The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
> sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If
> I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will
> you give me a calf?"
>
> >
>
> >Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
> grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
>
> >
>
> >The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
> connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage
> on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix
> on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
> scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
>
> >
>
> >The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
> exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
>
> >
>
> >Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
> has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
> database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
> Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
>
> >
>
> >Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
> miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You
> have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>
> >
>
> >"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
> Sid.
>
> >
>
> >He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
> amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
>
> >
>
> >Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
> your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
>
> >
>
> >The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
> not?"
>
> >
>
> >"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.
>
> >
>
> >"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
> that?"
>
> >
>
> >"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even
> though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
> knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of
> equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
> don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
> cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >Now give me back my dog!
>
> >
> pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced
> toward him out of a cloud of dust.
>
> >
>
> >The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan
> sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If
> I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will
> you give me a calf?"
>
> >
>
> >Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
> grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
>
> >
>
> >The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
> connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage
> on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix
> on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
> scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
>
> >
>
> >The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
> exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany .
>
> >
>
> >Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
> has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL
> database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
> Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
>
> >
>
> >Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
> miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You
> have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
>
> >
>
> >"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says
> Sid.
>
> >
>
> >He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with
> amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.
>
> >
>
> >Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
> your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
>
> >
>
> >The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
> not?"
>
> >
>
> >"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.
>
> >
>
> >"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess
> that?"
>
> >
>
> >"No guessing required." answered the farmer. "You showed up here even
> though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
> knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of
> equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you
> don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about
> cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >Now give me back my dog!
>
> >
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
CANNON BALLS!!!
BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS?
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass -- hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few of your intellectual friends.
BET YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS?
It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass -- hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.
Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few of your intellectual friends.
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
I have a lot of ID Ten 1 Errors myself!!
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric,the little bastard.
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric,the little bastard.
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
40 years of marriage..
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!..the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....
SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
Two elderly men from a retirement home were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
John
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
John
The Gods do not subtract from the allotted span of men’s lives, the hours spent fishing Assyrian tablet
What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning Werner Heisenberg
I am a man and the world is my urinal
What we observe is not nature itself, but nature exposed to our method of questioning Werner Heisenberg
I am a man and the world is my urinal
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
Chantal. What would I do without you.
-
alan refail
- KG Regular
- Posts: 7254
- Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
- Been thanked: 7 times
- haha.jpg (22.61 KiB) Viewed 4073 times
-
alan refail
- KG Regular
- Posts: 7254
- Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
- Been thanked: 7 times
Oh, shcit!