Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[alan refail]

christmas dinner.jpg (24.01 KiB) Viewed 3523 times

[Shallot Man]

As a trucker stops for a red light on the A52 a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and, as if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the road. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says,............



"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter and I'm driving the gritter......."

[Shallot Man]

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness

And kindness.

One afternoon, the pastor

Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.




As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!




When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.




The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.




'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.




'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'



If you don't send this

to five GOOD friends right away there will be

five fewer people smiling in the world.

[alan refail]

From a gardening website http://www.gardendigest.com/fert.htm

Shit happens but how do you deal with it?

Agnostic #1: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
Agnostic #2: What is this shit?
Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens - one day at a time!
Atheism #1: Religion causes a lot of bad shit to happen.
Atheism #2: I can’t believe this shit!
Buddhism: Shit will happen, keep a clear mind.
Calvinism: Shit happens because you don’t work.
Capitalism: That’s MY shit.
Catholicism #1: If shit happens, you deserve it.
Catholicism #2: Follow the rules for shitting, and God is checking on you.
Christian Science: When shit happens, don’t call a doctor - pray!
Commercialism: Let’s package this shit.
Communism: It’s everybody’s shit.
Confucianism: Confucius say, “Shit happens.”
Creationism: God made all shit, and the shit fossils are meaningless.
Darwinism: This shit was once food.
Existentialism #1: Shit doesn’t happen; shit IS.
Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
Feminism #1: Men dump their shit on us, and we have to clean it up.
Feminism #2: Men are Shit.
Fundamentalism#1: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it’s okay.
Gardener: Shit helps plants grow.
Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
Islam #1: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the woman responsible.
Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
Jehovah’s Witnesses #1: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
Jehovah’s Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
Jehovah’s Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
Male Chauvinism #1: We may be shit, but you can't live without us.
Male Chauvinism #2: Shit! Honey, you forgot to buy more beer!
Methodist: It’s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
Mormonism #1: God sent us this shit.
Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
Nihilism: No shit!
Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
Quakers: Let us not fight or kill over this shit.
Rastafarianism: Let’s smoke this shit!
Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
Scientology: If shit happens, see “Dianetics”, p.157.
Secular Humanism: Somtimes shit is good for folks, and sometimes not - let commonsense decide.
Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
Taoism: Shit happens in both the yang and yin phases.
Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half of the time.

[snooky]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[oldherbaceous]

Went to the dustbin this morning, only to find a fox had been through it's contents.
It had even managed to open the bag of clothes my Mother in law had bought me for Christmas.
As the clothes were still there, i take it he must have thought mange didn't look so bad after all.

[Shallot Man]

Must watch this.

Subject: BRILLIANT! Hitler and Ryanair





http://www.ihateryanair.org/ryanair-ser ... -fly-them/


Subject: BRILLIANT! Hitler and Ryanair





http://www.ihateryanair.org/ryanair-ser ... -fly-them/


Subject: BRILLIANT! Hitler and Ryanair





http://www.ihateryanair.org/ryanair-ser ... -fly-them/


Subject: BRILLIANT! Hitler and Ryanair





http://www.ihateryanair.org/ryanair-ser ... -fly-them/


Subject: BRILLIANT! Hitler and Ryanair





http://www.ihateryanair.org/ryanair-ser ... -fly-them/

[Shallot Man]

Oops seemed to have duplicated it, no matter, a good laugh.

[Shallot Man]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action!
So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep the lazy woman busy.

After a night of drink and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person
does that to someone’s Advent calendar…

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing
a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, “Never mind son, maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.”

Just had my water bill of £100 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for
just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the
benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes…. I think they were Hovis Witnesses

[John]

Just a Limerick for your amusment:

On the breasts of a barmaid from Swale
Was tattooed the price of Brown Ale;
While on her behind
(For the sake of the blind)
Was the same information in Braille!

John

[Primrose]

Don't think I'd risk having the price of anything tatooed onto my behind.

With the rapid rate that the price of just about everything is rising these days I'd never be able to lie about my age again as my backside would always give the game away

"What, beer only £1 a pint? You must be a centenarian"

[Monika]

The version I have known for years is:

There was a young lady at Yale
Who offered her body for sale.
For the sake of the blind,
She had her behind
Tattooed with her prices in Braille.

[Shallot Man]

Worth watching





http://thebrowser.com/videos/my-blackberry-isnt-working

[Arnie]

Hi all

Very clever and very funny a modern take on a classic sketch


Regards


Kevin

[Chantal]

BRAINS OF BRITAIN

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you



BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester



BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?


LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris


THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.




BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?


UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?


GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO - MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.


RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ...
Richard: He makes bread . . ..
Contestant: Er . .....
Richard: He makes cakes . . ..
Contestant: Kipling Street ?


LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain


NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.


ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?


JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?



CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country isMount Etna?
Caller: Japan
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ..... Mexico ?


PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israellast?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.


DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.


PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. ... ...
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . .. Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ....
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ..
Contestant: Walked?


THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.


LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.


STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.