Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[alan refail]

Queen-Elizabeth-II-and-th-007.jpg (149.95 KiB) Viewed 3933 times

Captions?

[Shallot Man]

HM to Prince Philip. I am thinking of turning to catholicism

[Geoff]

ER to Phil "Would you believe it, he still wants compensation for the dissolution of the monasteries."

or

ER to Phil "Would you believe it, he thinks the best form of contraception is b******** choirboys."

[alan refail]

He says he off to a Susan Boyle gig this afternoon so can we do him a packed lunch.

[Johnboy]

THE UNLIKELY COMBINATION: Knackwurst, Bubble and Squeak with Sauerkraut!
JB.

[snooky]

The horse and mule live 30 years ...
...
And never knows of wines and beers.
The goat and sheep at 20 die
Without a taste of scotch or rye.
The cow drinks water by the ton
And at 18 is mostly done.
The dog at 15 cashes in
Without the aid of rum or gin.
The modest, sober, bone-dry hen
Lays eggs for noggs and dies at 10.
But sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men
Survive three-score years and 10.
And some of us...though mighty few
Stay pickled 'til we're 92.

[alan refail]

A few exam answers:

"Monotony means being married to the same person for all your life."

Use the word "judicious" in a sentence to show you understand its meaning - Hands that judicious can be as soft as your face...

How important are elections to a democratic society? - Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

What is Britain's highest award for valour in war?
Nelson's Column

What's a Hindu?
It lays eggs

Name the four seasons
Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar

What changes happen to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental

What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? They'll insist you're well endowed if you're buying a house

What is a co-operative? It's a kind of shop that is not as dear as places like Marks and Spencer

What is artificial respiration commonly known as?
The Kiss of Death

What are steroids?
Things for keeping the carpet on the stairs

What is a common treatment for a badly bleeding nose? Circumcision

"I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my adultery."

"I always know when its time to get up when I hear my mother sharpening the toast."

"Christians go on pilgrimage to Lord's."

"A major disease associated with smoking is premature death."

"The equator is a menagerie lion running around the earth through Africa."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be solved by fitting them with catalytic converters."

"The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Before giving a blood transfusion find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest
medical doctor."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is
something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

[Elle's Garden]

Those are all brilliant, but my particular favourite is the fight between the moon and the earth.

[Monika]

A true Yorkshire story:
One of our local doctors has recently retired after many years' service in the Yorkshire Dales, From his many anecdotes I particularly like the occasion when a farmer came to his surgery carrying a piglet under his greatcoat, asking for medical advice on the piglet's ailments. You see, the doctor's service was free but the vet would have to be paid for!

[Nature's Babe]

When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant!

[oldherbaceous]

Dear Nature's Babe, how true that is.

[John P]

Read in the paper the other day. The phone rang,picked it up and said who is speaking,a voice at the other end said you are.

[Chantal]

My racing snail wasn't winning races any more so I took his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

[donedigging]

What do you call a Nun on a scooter?

Virgin Mobile

[Chantal]