Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[snooky]

Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.



"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."


"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."


"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him,
so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

[Geoff]

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely, I can't look that old.
Well.... my wife was sitting in the waiting room for her first appointment with a new dentist and she suddenly noticed his diploma on the wall which bore his full name. She remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name who had been in her class some 30 odd years before.
"Could this be the same boy that I had had a secret crush on, way back then?" she thought.

Upon seeing him she quickly discarded any such thoughts.

This balding, grey haired man with a deeply lined face was far too old to have been her class mate.

After he had examined her teeth, she asked him if he had attended the local school.

"Oh yes" he said

"When did you leave" she asked

He answered, "In 1975, why do you ask?"

"You were in my class she exclaimed."

He looked at her closely, then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, decrepit, fat, grey haired man asked

"What did you teach?"

[Mike Vogel]

Here is a lady who has grown old gracefully, and beautifully.

To commemorate her 69th birthday , actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan 's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP. One of the musical numbers she performed was 'My Favorite Things' from the legendary movie 'Sound Of Music'. Here are the lyrics she used:

(Sing It! - If you sing it, its especially hysterical!!!)

Botox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts, hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pain, confused brains and no need for sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache, When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

[snooky]

A little known fact ...

The first testicular guard (“ball box”) was used in cricket in 1874

and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realise that their brains could also be important ....

[Geoff]

..........and lady cricketers call them manhole covers.

[Geoff]

The top 10 Edinburgh Festival one-liners have been judged to be:

1. Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."
2. David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."
3. Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."
4. Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."
5. Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
6. John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."
7. Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."
8. Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."
9. Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."
10. Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

Judges also selected some of the worst jokes of this year's Fringe, which included:

Sara Pascoe "Why did the chicken commit suicide? To get to the other side."
Sean Hughes "You know city-centre beat officers... Well are they police who rap?
John Luke Roberts "I made a Battenberg where the two colours ran alongside each other. I called it apartheid sponge."
Emo Phillips "I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them."
Bec Hill "Some of my best friends are vegan. They were going to come today but they didn't have the energy to climb up the stairs."
Dan Antopolski "How many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan."

Dan Antopolski was judged last year to have the best joke with "Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"

[Shallot Man]

THE BLONDE AND THE TWO IRISHMEN

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'

The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'

[Colin_M]

Here are some I came across whilst browsing, to follow the earlier set of courtroom quotes:

[Mike Vogel]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.


One day, while taking a stroll,
She came upon a gentleman neighbour who had the most
Beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
Of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat, and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
Doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
It would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
Flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by, and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,"but my cucumbers are enormous."

[Nature's Babe]

I laughed till the tears came Mike

[Elaine]

Brilliant Mike!....that's a cracker!

[snooky]

Kitchen Wisdom



Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of an ice cream cone to prevent ice cream drips.



Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!









To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.



Buy "SMASH", mashed potato mix. Keeps in the pantry for up to a year.








When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.



Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!









If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant 'fix-me-up.'


If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: I made it, you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!'








Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.



Celery? Never heard of it!









Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.


Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!











Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.


Leftover wine??????????HELLO!!!!!!!









Lastly, if you don't forward this to 1 of your friends within the next 5 minutes your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off.

[snooky]

Never heard of them before, and golly they’re funny!
The Fascinating Aidas.






http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAg0lUYHHFc

[Primrose]

British "phlegm" was never better illustrated than during 1940 as witnessed by this calm notice:

RICHMOND GOLF CLUB - TEMPORARY RULES, 1940

1. Players are asked to collect Bomb and Shrapnel splinters to prevent these causing damage to the mowing machine.
2. In competitions, during gunfire or while bombs are falling, players may take cover without penalty for ceasing play.
3. The positions of known delayed action bombs are marked by red flags at a reasonably, but not guaranteed safe distance therefrom.
4. Shrapnel and/or bomb splinters on the fairways or bunkers within a club's length of a ball may be moved without penalty and no penalty shall be incurred if a player is thereby caused to move accidentally.
5. A ball moved by enemy action may be replaced or if lost or destroyed, a ball may be dropped nearer the hole without penalty.
6. A ball lying in a crater may be lifted and dropped nearer the hole, preserving the line to the hole, without penalty.
7. A player whose stroke is affected by the simultaneous explosion of a bomb may play another ball from the same place. Penalty one stroke.

[alan refail]

The Pope had just finished his visit to Britain and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while.

Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbed in the back of the limo and the Pope took the wheel.

The Pope proceeded onto the M25, and started accelerating to see what the limo could do. He got to about 90 mph, and suddenly he saw the blue lights of the police in his mirror.

He pulled over and the officer came to his window. The officer, seeing who it was, said, "Just a moment please, I need to call in."

The officer called in and asked for the superintendent. He told him that he'd got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it.

"It's not David Cameron again is it?" replied the superintendent.

"No Sir!" replied the officer, "This guy's more important."

"Is it Nick Clegg?" replied the super. "No! Even more important!" replied the officer.

"Is it the Prince of Wales??? asked the superintendent.

"No! Even more important!" replied the officer.

"Well WHO is it?" screamed the superintendent.

"I don't know Sir." replied the officer, "but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."