Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[John]

Try this ad for some antipodean humour:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-Y3AsZ19Hc

John

[snooky]

POSSIBLY THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!'

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an Economy place
and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!' Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot
that it was no use, and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, 'You say she's blonde?' 'I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!' He goes back to the blonde,
whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne!!!"

[Mike Vogel]

Quickies

I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but
Thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
You're not going anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time
To think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends!"
*******************************************
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
And Panic is when both are pregnant.
****************************************
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted,
Dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.
*********************************************************
A women asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these
Are customer complaints".
*********************************************************
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that.
Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential."
*********************************************************
Nominated as the best short joke this year...
A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
While taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

[snooky]

Murder at Tesco

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young
husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance
policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging
to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'

Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing
out a spouse was £5,000..

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't
have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as
down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super
Store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to
strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew
her last breath & slumped to the floor........

The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie
had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who
immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he
could even leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole
sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the
hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..








(You're going to hate me for this .... )



















'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!'



Oh, quit groaning!
I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

[snooky]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[The Mouse]

You can always make me laugh, Snooky!

I am so glad that no one sits there making a note of the things I say. I am the first to notice other people's oral gaffs, but I know that I make more than my own fair share of them (but don't tell my OH I just said that - I have a 'never admit you're wrong' policy where he's concerned).

[Gerry]

You know Snooky, a friend of mine used to say, " There's no point in being stupid if you don't show it".

Regards, Gerry.

[Shallot Man]

Duz tha speak Yowkshire?


A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
...................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bug ger!"

................................................................................................
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.

He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.

When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".

He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"

The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.

Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".

The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin".

................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ar se cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[Colin_M]

To which Geoff Boycott would have remarked "And what's so funny about all that?"

Excellent collection Shallot Man

[alan refail]

An American tourist comes to England to visit. He tours around the major cities and, being a great lover of cathedrals and churches, he visits many - starting in St. Paul's Cathedral in London.

Whilst in there he is admiring the great architecture and amazing fittings when he notices a golden telephone behind the altar!
He asks someone what the golden phone is...and gets the answer "that's a direct line to God! But it costs 50 million British pounds to use it !"
Amazed, he snaps some photos, and moves on for his next visit.

In Lincoln Cathedral he is again loooking around at the majesty of the interior, when he sees another golden telephone behind the altar. Again, he asks someone what it is...."a direct line to God mate! But it's 50 million British Pounds to use it!"
Again, amazed, he snaps some photos, and moves on for his next visit.

He visits great cathedrals and churches the length and breadth of
Britain - Manchester, Glasgow, Bristol etc etc....and all have these golden phones behind the altar - £50million pounds a call.

Finally he arrives in Yorkshire and calls in at York Minster. He is taking photos and taking it all in when he notices that there is a sign next to the golden phone which reads, "All calls 10pence".

Aghast, he asks the Dean about it, "I have seen these golden phones in all the places I have visited, but they are £50million to call God...how come this one has that sign on it?"

The Dean replies "This is Yorkshire my friend...its a local call from here!"

[alan refail]

...and south to the Black Country:

Three lads rescued a drowning woman from the canal. She thanked them profusely and asked if they knew who she was. One boy piped up and said:

"Yow'm Missis Thatcher ay ya?". She nodded and asked what presents they would like as a token of her gratitude.

The first boy said: "Con oi ave a rercin boike, wiv ten speeds un litewert weels?. She said she would phone the chairman of Raleigh Industries and get him a top of the range model.

She turned to the next boy and asked what he wanted, he said: "Con oi ave a fast cumputa with lots ov memery un disk sperce?.

She said she'd get on to the chairman of I.B.M and get the best she could. She turned to the last boy and said: "And what would you like my son?"
"A Stert Funeral, Missis".
"That's a very unusual thing to ask for, why do you want a State Funeral?".
"Cuz wen moi dad finds aht oive pulled yow aht uv the cut he'll bluddy kill me!"

[Geoff]

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.


A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .
So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking British Airways," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, they're always late and they lose your luggage. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its going be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.
He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a €5 million refurbishment job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"





He said: "Who the f*** did your hair?"

[snooky]

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith.
So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained.
'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.
And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got o n their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney..
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He droppe d in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her y our name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy . I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!)

[snooky]

Subject: Fw: Two Priests Decided To Go To Hawaii On Vacation











Without friends, life isnt living:-)



,

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store
and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc..


The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink,


the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare.

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.
They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!
Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde,
wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time,
came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said


"Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?"
"We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"
She replied,

"Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen."

[John]

Mark Twain asked his neighbour if he could borrow one of his books. His neighbour said "Well, you can read it, but you'll have to read it in my house. I make it a rule that none of my books leave my library."

A few days later, the neighbour asked Twain if he could borrow his lawn mower. "Certainly," said Twain; "But you'll have to use it in my garden. You know I make it a rule..."