Funnies to brighten your evening

[Gerry]

The other day on one of our morning television shows, in an effort to get away from all the doom and gloom, they asked people to e-mail jokes about the recession.

The best one I thought was....

Women are using men now.... because they can't afford batteries.

[alan refail]

An old country vicar had a teenage son. He decided that it was about time the boy gave some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

a Bible

a twenty pond note

a bottle of whisky

and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door", the old vicar said to himself, "When he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a clergyman like me and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the money, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard. Lord, what a shame that would be!

And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasing bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as the boy entered the house and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. He walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the £20 and put it into his pocket.

He opened the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy!" the old preacher whispered, crossing himself. "He's going to run for Parliament!"

[John]

A ballerina visits her local doctor, "I'm having terrible trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette, I fart", she cried.
Curious to see for himself, the doctor suggests the ballerina give him a demonstration. She dutifully does what she's asked and no sooner does she start to pirouette, she drops one. "I see the problem", said the doctor. Getting to his feet, the doctor picks up a long pole with a hook at the end, "What's that for?", exclaimed the ballerina. "It's to open the window", said the doctor, "It stinks in here!".

[Geoff]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[Elaine]

Brilliant! thats made my day!

[snooky]

A convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and his wife.He jumps on the wife kissing her ear,then runs to the bathroom.The husband whispers to his wife"Satisfy him,or he"ll kill us.I saw the way he kissed you,be strong,I love you.
The wife replies,"He didn"t kiss me.he whispered in my ear he"s gay and horny and looking for vaseline.I told him it"s in the bathroom.Let"s see who is strong now!!

[snooky]

A medical Professor was lecturing his 1st year students about "involuntary muscle contractions".To liven up the session he asked one of the female students,"For example,do you know what your a******e is doing whilst you"re having an orgasm?"
"Probably having a pint with his mates," she replied.

[lizzie]

hahahahahahahahahaha

[Fat Andy]

1. Teaching Maths In 1970


A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price.
What is his profit?


2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the selling price, or £800.
What is his profit?


3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800.
Did he make a profit? ;


4. Teaching Maths In 2000


A logger sells a lorry load of timber for £1000.
His cost of production is £800 and his profit is £200.
Your assignment: Underline the number 200.


5. Teaching Maths In 2009


A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is totally selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
He does this so he can make a profit of £200. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. If you are upset about the plight of the animals in question counselling will be available).

FA x

[goldilox]

Mum was bathing her young son who, like most men, was particularly occupied with his private parts.
"Mum" said the boy "Are these my brains?"
Mum replies "Not yet son"

[naturediva]

Hi everybody - well its always good to have a smile about something to help lift the spirits.
My daughter sent me this joke: Bloke sees an advert in a pet shop: talkin' centipede £5000, he buys it, takes it home in a small box and after about 30 mins opens the box and asks it if it would like to go for a pint, the centipede doesn't answer, raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply, gettin' angry thinking he's been done he shouts the question! at which the centipede sticks his head out of is box and says "I heard you the first time you idiot, I was puttin' my shoes on!"

[oldherbaceous]

And a very funny first post Naturediva.

Welcome to the forum.

[naturediva]

Good to be here thanks and well I had to start somewhere! Nothing like a bit of jokey fun on a rainy afternoon. Enjoy the weekend

And a very funny first post Naturediva.

Welcome to the forum.

[oldherbaceous]

Dear Naturediva, if you stay on the forum, you will see as the weeks go by, i enjoy everyday.

[snooky]

First time sex.

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