Funnies to brighten your evening

[lizzie]

Enjoy

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...


****


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...


****


My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started...


****


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt".

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten Disability, too".

And then the fight started...


****


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...


****


A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started....

[Compo]

Very good

Made me laugh more than the Virgin Airlines letter.........

CoMpO

[Chantal]

I didn't laugh until the last one n and I MUCH preferred the Virgin Atlantic one Compo

[Gerry]

I loved them all Lizzie. But wish my wife hadn't recognised some of my traits in them.

By the way, isn't Virgin a stupid name for an airline?

Who would want to go with someone who wasn't going all the way?

Regards, Gerry.

[JohnN]

Don't worry about Virgin, Gerry. I'm told by a neighbour there's a new airline at Gatwick - Air Viagra. Slogan is: We get you up, we never let you down and we get rid of Virgins everywhere.

[Geoff]

I liked the shot in "Oz and James Drink to Britain" last night of the Irish hairdresser called "Ryan Hair" - Nick Park would have been proud of that.
Liked these funnies but wasn't taken with the Virgin complaint. Can't get interested in flying problems, I'd tax them out of the sky and consider most flying unnecessary. As for building more runways, that might stir me to write complaining letters but would obviously be to no avail. Money should be spent on infrastructure that helps us all like mending the roads. If we've all got to drive small efficient cars it would be helpful if the roads didn't have potholes in them that could swallow up a mini or at least do it terminal damage. Thought it was just round here until I went to Shropshire for the first time for a few months and was horrified at how rapidly rural roads are disintegrating. How did I get here from "And then the fight started..."?

[mrs l]

I was sitting feeling sorry for myself as I have the flu, drinking a cup of hot whiskey and lemonade to try and kill the germs, when I thought I would see what was going on on the forum, and all your funnies have really cheered me up - the hot whiskey might have helped a little bit as well.

[oldherbaceous]

Dear mrs l, hope you are soon back to full health.

[mrs l]

dear oh Thanks for your kind wishes. I had a bit of a bad night but Ifeel on the mend today. The hot whisky always does the trick.

[Stephen]

and just to add a bit:-


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a set of scales.

And then the fight started...

[MKPoshfan]

if you want an airline funny go to YouTube and type in Yorkshire Airlines........hiding

[snooky]

Tony the farmer was in the fertilised egg business He had several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.

Tony kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Tony could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Farmer Tony's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Tony noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!

Tony went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Tony's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business and walk on to the next one.

Tony was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the Wiltshire County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Peace Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

PS: Anyone know a politician called Gordon?

[lizzie]

rolmfao..............hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Nice one, like it like it

Oooooohhhhhh........that's cheered me up, thank you

[Chantal]

Brilliiant

[Johnboy]

Nice one Snooky!
JB.