Am I going crackers?

[pigletwillie]

sorry that was me

[Chantal]

As in "full of it"? Probably.

I know you're all taking the piss here but believe me, my Lulu will be in constant use this summer and I'll be charging admission to visitors.

Tim says he'll get me a little primus stove so I can make a cup of tea whilst having a sit down, isn't he thoughtful...

[pigletwillie]

Hot lucozade mmmmmmm. Just dont eat jerusalem artichokes the night before, you will blow the doors off with a naked flame in there.

[peter]

Proposed Scale of charges?

Basics.
View £0.50
Gas £1.00
Pee £1.50
Poo £2.50
Perve £9.99

Extras;
Tea £0.50
Coffee £0.60
Sprout Wine <Free>
Newspaper £0.60
Jump Queue £5.00

I think everyone is taking the pee on this thread, me included.

[lizzie]

Oi, you bunch of weired barstewards!!!!

You're making me laugh and it bloody hurts!!!!!!!

Like the Lulu tent. And the charges seem pretty reasonable. How about a big sign though

NO PIGLETS ALLOWED!!!!!

I think you should charge more for a perv though.

[Chantal]

Lizzie, please note that's not MY scale of charges; you're right, at least double for a perv.

As for banning Piglet, you haven't seen the SIZE of him. If he wants to use my toilet I'm not going to get in his way with all those flailing trotters.

[lizzie]

True, it would be difficult to ban him.

Just make sure he wipes all his trotters first before he goes in!!!

He's right about keeping the wind down inside the lulu. Could prove embarrasing if a strong gust brews!!!!!! You'll have no walls left.

Tell us though, is there a lock on the door or are you going to put a list of suitable songs to sing on the wall.

For example:
Every time it rains, it rains pennies from heaven
Nellie Dean
Tinkle tinkle little star
Who left the seat up blues
Plip plop I was takin' a dump

Anyone else come up with any more?
(God, this painkilling medication is good stuff!!)

[Chantal]

Plip plop I was takin' a dump ?! Christ woman, what are you ON?

I'll have a think about this and get back to you, I suspect you may have opened the floodgates, so to speak.

For the information and delectation of those who care go to
http://www.outdoorgear.co.uk/eshop.asp? ... OILET+TENT
to see the tent (it's green) and
http://www.outdoorgear.co.uk/eshop.asp? ... =MAIN_DESC
to see the shit bucket

All happy about the technical aspects now?

[pigletwillie]

Oh dear Chantal, its a pikeys tent.

[peter]

Oh Chantal, I mis-judged you.
There I was thinking you were being a little bit "twee" and the supplier actually perpetrated that howler "Lulu Toilet Tent".

Have you read the maintenance sheet though.

"BEFORE USE. Get to know your tent before taking it away and using it."
I would suggest taking it down the pub for an intimate little chat.

Bit that might be useful for you especially in summer is the section on fly-sheets.

One for the perves is "Rubber guy loops should be stretched."

"The moisture in the air, from your cooking and from your breathe can, under certain conditions, form beads or drops of water in contact with a cold surface. This condensation may occur on tent poles or on the inside of a flysheet. To reduce condensation avoid prolonged cooking under the flysheet and ensure that your tent is well ventilated. - DON'T CONFUSE CONDENSATION WITH LEAKAGE -"
Well, I let Lizzie's drug-fuelled imagination run with that one.

On leaving ensure you follow this sage advice though.
"ZIPS. Treat them gently, never force them. Take the strain off them by cross pegging and /or using the hook and eye fitted at the base of many zips. Metal zips can be lubricated by lightly running a candle up the zip to ease stiffness. Always close zips before packing up."
Just do not get caught with that candle

[peter]

On a more serious note.

The Victorian gentlemans country estate where I was brought up had a loo just for the garden staff. They had a terraced cottage block, behind which was a 50 foot square privet maze at the heart of which was a nice, 4'x4'x6' shed containing a WC linked into the gentlemans private sewage works.

[lizzie]

Chantal, the medication is as follows, Tramadol, co-dydromol, amoxacylin for chest infection and hrt. What a combination!! Better living through chemistry

Rubber guy ropes? Hmmm, i'm thinking of getting the gimp suit out cos i've got 2 months at least of seeing the local sadists at the phsio dept.

Mind you, you could always run a flag up if it's occupied and people don't fancy having a sing. Mum came up with a good one last night "From where the River Shannon Flows"

You could make money by charging the really tuneless ones to belt up.

You could also charge more for duets to full choirs on a sliding scale

I've just thought of another one: I'm forever blowing bubbles. Grocks husbands theme tune after he ate the Lush candy bath bar (it's a long story. Ask Grock)

[Chantal]

The Lulu is here and it's dead easy to put up. The shit bucket is fabulous and really comfy although it's best not to lean back as this could be hazardous.

Thanks for all your helpful suggestions

Peter, did you read ALL the guidance notes and specification? Thank you also for the scale of charges which may come in useful if printed, laminated and fixed to my gate.

Lizzie, those drugs are addling your brain love, but I want the full monty on Grock's husband and his Lush soap.

Lizzie's mum, it's bad enough having a Lulu on my plot to alert the neighbours to my colonic situation without putting a bloody great flag on a pole to let them know I've popped in to actually use the shit bucket. I may however fit a bell and trip wire across my gate to alert me to potential pervs.

Piglet, refer to my tent in the same breath as pikeys again and you'll live to regret it. A spit roasting from Lizzie and Grock will seem tame by comparison. I've also been promised a recipe for "chocolate brownies" and will bring some to Malvern if you like...

Lizzie, I just turned on the BBC News and caught Frank Sinatra singing Pennies from Heaven, did you set this up???

Johnboy, I don't produce sprout wine but I can manage something that looks very similar, Malvern?

Replies on a postcard please...

[lizzie]

Didn't set it up with BBC, honest.

Shame I can't reduce the medication yet as still in a lot of pain. I didn't realise I knew so many swear words as I uttered (loudly) in a&e whilst being examined!!!!!!

Ok,the Lush bar thing. Grocks eldest son bought her a Candy Bath Bar from lush as a little prezzie. Grock was in bed when hubby came up and told her not to buy anymore of those candy bars as they were horrible. She said she hadn't bought any and there wasn't any sweets in the house. He said there was cos he'd just ate it and it was horrible after the first few mouthfuls. Turns out he'd ate the Candy Bath Bar, failing to read the instructions that were printed on the packaging!!!!!!!

Instead of calling it a LuLu tent, how about a sign calling it the "TeaPee Stop" Get it, Teepee, sorry, that's really lame.

Anyway, does anyone have any ideas on how to plant spuds with one hand? As with Chantals, answers on a postcard please

[Chantal]

Lizzie, cheer yourself up by going to Best Practices and Tomarillos.