My brother, sister and I have just had to put our mum in a home! She hadn't wanted to go into one and we tried hard to keep her in her own home but she was disabled (she has had an artificial leg for over 60 years)and she has had a couple of strokes, she now can't walk or talk very well and is having trouble swallowing.
My sister and I have just spent an emotional week sorting through her possessions. We had to do it straight away as mum lives in Leicestershire, sister lives in Italy and I live on the Wirral.
We have had to come to terms with the fact that we wont be able to talk to mum on the phone any more and because she can't write now we wont have any proper contact with her any more.
Sorry to unburden myself on you but you seem such nice folk that I thought you wouldn't mind.
Emotional week
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
I'm so sorry to hear about your mum, and the angst you feel about her. You have to keep reassuring yourself that you have done the right thing for her. What else could be done??? In time, I'm sure you'll develop a routine for visiting/calling the home, etc, and you could always send a weekly letter, so mum doesn't feel as though you've forgotten her.
She is in the best place for the best care.
I'm sure it will all work out for the best ...
hugs
Mazmez
She is in the best place for the best care.
I'm sure it will all work out for the best ...
hugs
Mazmez
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oldherbaceous
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Dear Johnsgirl, i'm not very good with words when it comes to things like this, but i felt i wanted to say something.
You must relize in your head that you have done the right thing, but in your heart it's a different matter.
Your Mum will now get the care that she really needs, and at least you won't have to worry on that score.
I just hope you can find the strength from somewhere that you must be looking for, i hope it does help you to talk about it.
You will be in my thoughts.
My kindest regards Craig.
You must relize in your head that you have done the right thing, but in your heart it's a different matter.
Your Mum will now get the care that she really needs, and at least you won't have to worry on that score.
I just hope you can find the strength from somewhere that you must be looking for, i hope it does help you to talk about it.
You will be in my thoughts.
My kindest regards Craig.
Kind Regards, Old Herbaceous.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no fool like an old fool.
Getting old is seriously overated. It must have been so difficult for you Johnsgirl, but it would be so much harder to have left her to cope and then find she'd fallen or worse.
My mum in law spent her last couple of years in a home and although we could visit - she didn't know us most of the time because of her dementia. If I can give you any advice, it would be to make sure that the staff know what she likes - whether that's the type of food she prefers, drinks and beverages, music, TV, going in the garden, being read to, bright light, sun, shade - all of the things we take for granted when we're independent and would miss if someone else manages our life and doesn't know about them.
If your mum was a member of a church or a club, or worked for a company that still exists, try asking them if they do a visiting service which would keep her in touch with the community she knows.
My mum in law spent her last couple of years in a home and although we could visit - she didn't know us most of the time because of her dementia. If I can give you any advice, it would be to make sure that the staff know what she likes - whether that's the type of food she prefers, drinks and beverages, music, TV, going in the garden, being read to, bright light, sun, shade - all of the things we take for granted when we're independent and would miss if someone else manages our life and doesn't know about them.
If your mum was a member of a church or a club, or worked for a company that still exists, try asking them if they do a visiting service which would keep her in touch with the community she knows.
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Mr Potato Head
The previous three have offered all the practical advice that I might, so I will just say this.
Making decisions that so directly affect the lives of people that you love, when they're no longer completely able to make them themselves is very tiring emotionally and physically. It's important that you don't 'forget' yourself at this time, as you need to be in the best shape you can be to give the support you want to.
My thoughts are with you and your family, and I hope that all goes well, and as smoothly as possible.
Leigh
Making decisions that so directly affect the lives of people that you love, when they're no longer completely able to make them themselves is very tiring emotionally and physically. It's important that you don't 'forget' yourself at this time, as you need to be in the best shape you can be to give the support you want to.
My thoughts are with you and your family, and I hope that all goes well, and as smoothly as possible.
Leigh
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Cider Boys
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Hello Johnsgirl
The previous contributors have put it far more eloquently than I ever could; just to say I wish you all well.
Barney
The previous contributors have put it far more eloquently than I ever could; just to say I wish you all well.
Barney
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alan refail
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I add my sympathy and best wishes to those above.
Having been through your experience twice, I echo Leigh's (Mr PH) advice. Remember yourself and your future however hard things seem.
Alan
Having been through your experience twice, I echo Leigh's (Mr PH) advice. Remember yourself and your future however hard things seem.
Alan
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
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Primrose
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I really do feel for you. Having had to go this route twice with my own parents, I know the feeling of guilt which rips you apart and makes you feel that you've totally betrayed them. But often it really is the only practical solution. See if the Home have any "befrienders" or visitors, or enquire if any of the local churches have volunteers who are prepared to pay her a regular visit. Also check if your mother could be transferred to another home nearer to you so that your can visit her more regularly. My thoughts are with you.
Many many thanks for all your thoughts and good wishes, I've been down the allotment and have shifted some manure as I'm moving to the next door plot (it has raised beds so I'm hoping it will be easier)so I am tired out but pleased with my self and it certainly took my mind off my problems.
Hi Johnsgirl
I came up with an idea for your mum, hope you don't mind but here goes.
How about making a weekly tape and sending it to her. You could buy her a walkman so she can listen to your voice. You could get other people involved like old friends and neighbours. She could then hear familiar things and keep in touch with whats going on with you all. If you use one of the small dictaphone things, you could carry it with you and put your thoughts down. I'm lucky that my mum is in quite good health and is independant but I sometimes phone her when i'm in the supermarket, just to say that I lover her. You could do the same with the dictaphone, so she knows that you're thinking of her.
Just a thought, hope you don't mind
I came up with an idea for your mum, hope you don't mind but here goes.
How about making a weekly tape and sending it to her. You could buy her a walkman so she can listen to your voice. You could get other people involved like old friends and neighbours. She could then hear familiar things and keep in touch with whats going on with you all. If you use one of the small dictaphone things, you could carry it with you and put your thoughts down. I'm lucky that my mum is in quite good health and is independant but I sometimes phone her when i'm in the supermarket, just to say that I lover her. You could do the same with the dictaphone, so she knows that you're thinking of her.
Just a thought, hope you don't mind
Lots of love
Lizzie
Lizzie
That's a good idea, Lizzie. My mum is 80 and can't see or hear well now, so books and TV are difficult, but she's mastered a walkman and listens to books on CD. She's very technophobic, but she's managed this with very little problem. Could be a goer, Johnsgirl??
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Compo
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There are lots of good idea's here which show how we all rally round on this forum which in this often difficult world is a good thing.
All I can offer for you Johnsgirl is the fact that I am a social worker, and if for what ever reason your mother has difficulties in the home, and you cannot get anywhere by talking to Staff, you can PM me on here and I will try and help.
I know a lot of adults who are in residential care and they are very happy and well looked after, there is a clear process to follow if homes are failing and if you ever need that I can help.
Good luck to you and your Mum
All I can offer for you Johnsgirl is the fact that I am a social worker, and if for what ever reason your mother has difficulties in the home, and you cannot get anywhere by talking to Staff, you can PM me on here and I will try and help.
I know a lot of adults who are in residential care and they are very happy and well looked after, there is a clear process to follow if homes are failing and if you ever need that I can help.
Good luck to you and your Mum
If I am not on the plot, I am not happy.........
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Primrose
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Audio books, which are availble on CD or cassette might be an option for your mum if she can concentrate long enough. Our local library offers a free loan service for blind and disabled people, and every week I take a couple in to an elderly virtually blind neighbour in a care home. These books have really opened up his world for him again and your mum's care home may be able to use this service for her. I believe the RNIB offer special CD machines for this purpose. CD audio books are more user friendly because casette tapes have to be rewound and fiddled with which elderly people often can't cope with. Your mum also may not have a phone in her room. Would it be possible to buy her a cheap pay as you go phone with battery charger so that she can still have phone access with you? I know you said she can't talk very well, but perhaps if she could just hear your voice on the phone, you can do all the talking and she won't feel so abandoned.
My poor mum died last Wednesday! We were told that she was dying on the Saturday but she struggled on until Wednesday morning, it was very distressing watching her and not being able to do anything to help but she is at peace now and reunited with my dad.