Loved the Nelson tale - half the factory stopped after EH&S survey so I'll circulate it tomorrow.
Always liked the quote about Naval tradition being nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash. Trafalgar must have reminded everybody, featured in two crosswords in the last 12 months. The origin seems debatable - all sorts claim it. Sure Churchill stole it.
Funny Thread - I hope????
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
I don't know if this one has been on before
GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-
maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all
I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it -- sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it
away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves
in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the
autumn they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil
and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form
compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a
new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it
around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us
tonight?"
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie
about.....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis.
Pete
GOD: Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the
world is going on down there? What happened to the dandelions,
violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-
maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil,
withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the
long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of
songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all
I see are these green rectangles.
ST. FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The
Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's
temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want
all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it
and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and
poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow
really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they
cut it -- sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in
bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will
grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it
away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut
back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth
and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this Lord. When the grass
stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to
water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a
sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves
in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the
autumn they fall
to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil
and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form
compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.
ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a
new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great
piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the
winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy
something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it
around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine,
you're in charge of the arts. What movie have they scheduled for us
tonight?"
ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a really stupid movie
about.....
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St.
Francis.
Pete
skype me on pmrout
"To be a successful farmer, one must first know the NATURE of the SOIL" Xenophon , Oeconomicus 400 B.C.
"To be a successful farmer, one must first know the NATURE of the SOIL" Xenophon , Oeconomicus 400 B.C.
-
Chantal
- KG Regular
- Posts: 5665
- Joined: Thu Nov 24, 2005 9:53 am
- Location: Rugby, Warwickshire
- Been thanked: 1 time
Sorry about the odd profanity in this, but it's just not funny if you take them out.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Tester Named Mr Potato Head, who was visiting Texas from England:
"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli tasting. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer tent, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILLI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
MR POTATO HEAD: Holy ****!! what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILLI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
MR POTATO HEAD: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the mouth to mouth. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILLI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
MR POTATO HEAD: Call Environmental Health, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting petrol. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all the beer.
CHILLI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
Other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
MR POTATO HEAD: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 40 stone woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
MR POTATO HEAD: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f****d and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a jug. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Sod those Americans!
CHILLI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
MR POTATO HEAD: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulphuric flames. I s**t myself when I f****d and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a**e with ice-cream cone!
CHILLI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of Chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
MR POTATO HEAD: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me!
Well, that's me sacked as a Sherrif!
Notes From An Inexperienced Chilli Tester Named Mr Potato Head, who was visiting Texas from England:
"Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli tasting. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer tent, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
CHILLI # 1: MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
MR POTATO HEAD: Holy ****!! what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
CHILLI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
MR POTATO HEAD: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the mouth to mouth. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILLI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chilli! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
MR POTATO HEAD: Call Environmental Health, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting petrol. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all the beer.
CHILLI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
Other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
MR POTATO HEAD: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 40 stone woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
CHILLI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
MR POTATO HEAD: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I f****d and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a jug. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Sod those Americans!
CHILLI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
MR POTATO HEAD: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, Sulphuric flames. I s**t myself when I f****d and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a**e with ice-cream cone!
CHILLI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILLI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of Chilli peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
MR POTATO HEAD: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me!
Well, that's me sacked as a Sherrif!
Chantal
I know this corner of the earth, it smiles for me...
I know this corner of the earth, it smiles for me...
-
peter
- KG Regular
- Posts: 5879
- Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2005 1:54 pm
- Location: Near Stansted airport
- Has thanked: 23 times
- Been thanked: 81 times
- Contact:
Chantal, thanks for that.
Nearly laughed myself ino a similar condition!
What possessed him to pass that one on to you?
Perhaps the e-mail in the news from a graphic designer asking out a girl he met at a party passed him by, now been read by hundreds of thousands and he did not get a date.
Nearly laughed myself ino a similar condition!
What possessed him to pass that one on to you?
Perhaps the e-mail in the news from a graphic designer asking out a girl he met at a party passed him by, now been read by hundreds of thousands and he did not get a date.
Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
