Allen, that last one hits a bit too close to home. Since my cat, who is female, one bit one of my testicles. That resulted in an embarrassing a&e trip, and 3 highly uncomfortable stiches
Just dont ask how it happened, but rest assured we always shut the door now
Please can we have some more 'funnies'?
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Primrose
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GOD & LAWN CARE
This really does make one stop and think about how we spend our time and money!
GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
''Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
This really does make one stop and think about how we spend our time and money!
GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
''Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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Westi
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Rob - Maybe it's a dummy run! 
Westi
Westi
Westi
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Primrose
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Not a "funny" but in my view well worth watching.
Fixing the lightening rods on Christ the Redeemer
Not a job I'll be applying for if there are any vacancies though !!
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/ ... eog0?rel=0
Fixing the lightening rods on Christ the Redeemer
Not a job I'll be applying for if there are any vacancies though !!
https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/ ... eog0?rel=0
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retropants
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OMGosh! I had to torun it off, could not even watch the whole video!!
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Westi
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Amazing Primrose!
Not a job for me either, but what a view!
Westi
Not a job for me either, but what a view!
Westi
Westi
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alan refail
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Putting a lightning conductor on a holy statue demonstrates a signal lack of faith in the almighty 
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
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Westi
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Funny Alan!
Good Point!
Westi
Good Point!
Westi
Westi
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Stephen
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Apparently there are two follow-up films in planning after the success of "The Girl on the Train"
"The Girl on the Rail Replacement Bus Service"
and
"The Girl looking at the Southern Rail departures board (and weeping)"
"The Girl on the Rail Replacement Bus Service"
and
"The Girl looking at the Southern Rail departures board (and weeping)"
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
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Westi
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Funny Stephen!
Reminds me of when we were going about 8 stations to celebrate a friends birthday in the New Forest, but we were routed onto a bus. 2 hours later on the bus and we'd explored the New Forest intimately but I doubt never ever further than 15 miles from where we left and nowhere near where we were meant to be! Fortunately someone had the gumption to ask some walkers from a window as the driver panicked at the less than 1 ft deep causeway and then took over directing the driver!
Was a good party though & the restaurant found it really funny and we got a free bottle of bubbles!
Westi
Reminds me of when we were going about 8 stations to celebrate a friends birthday in the New Forest, but we were routed onto a bus. 2 hours later on the bus and we'd explored the New Forest intimately but I doubt never ever further than 15 miles from where we left and nowhere near where we were meant to be! Fortunately someone had the gumption to ask some walkers from a window as the driver panicked at the less than 1 ft deep causeway and then took over directing the driver!
Was a good party though & the restaurant found it really funny and we got a free bottle of bubbles!
Westi
Westi
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Westi
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We so need a 'Like' button!
Westi
Westi
Westi