Freely copied from the October 'Dalesman' magazine:
Little six-year-old Johnny asks at tea time, "Mummy, what's a penis?" His two older brothers nearly choke on their food, but mother says, "That's a very sensible question. Daddy will explain it to you after tea".
So, after they have eaten, daddy sits down and talks to Johnny, all using a little boy's terms.
"Do you understand it now, Johnny?" But Johnny looks even more confused.
"Where did you first hear the word?", asks daddy.
"At school. Our teacher said it."
"And she didn't explain anything about it?"
"No, she just said, tomorrow a penis is coming to play the piano for us in assembly".
New joke thread to cheer you all up
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
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Primrose
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Just a reminder....watch what you say around small children.
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't
seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.
All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as
I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing
stopped her from staring at me.
Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.
The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish!
My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't
seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.
All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as
I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing
stopped her from staring at me.
Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response.
The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish!
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Shallot Man
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Primrose. Great joke.
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Primrose
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Not really a joke but an example that life can sometimes have its funny side without invented humour.
My husband told me today that our local library had to cancel its regular "Singing for Memory" session for the dementia group because the care home had forgotten to book the minibus to take the residents there.
My husband told me today that our local library had to cancel its regular "Singing for Memory" session for the dementia group because the care home had forgotten to book the minibus to take the residents there.
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alan refail
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Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
i just laughed so hard my little girl jumped out her skin :/
thats amazing
Once the game is over the king and the pawn go back in the same box. Anonymous
Exploring is like walking, where the walking decides where we're going. Bob the dinosaur from dinopaws
Exploring is like walking, where the walking decides where we're going. Bob the dinosaur from dinopaws
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PLUMPUDDING
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Thanks that was hilarious 
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JohnN
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Re "Might versus Right: This is quite an old story, but it's good to hear the actual conversation. It first came to light when the USS nuclear carrier Nimitz visited Portsmouth in the 80s and arrived off Cornwall on a particularly foggy day. Perhaps the Spanish version triggered it off, it's one of my favourite stories.
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JohnN
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Another nautical story - I can vouch for the truth of this! In the 60s I was working for Esso Petroleum the year Francis Chichester sailed round the world. One of our supertankers, coming up from the gulf, spotted him in the Atlantic, off France, and radioed excitedly to our refinery "Have seen Chichester on port bow". The tanker received the following reply "You bloody idiots, you're supposed to be coming to Milford Haven"!
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Primrose
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Car keys !
They weren't in my pockets. They weren't in my handbag. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed back to the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
It was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I asked , "Well, can you please come and get me? "
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the Golden Years !.
They weren't in my pockets. They weren't in my handbag. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed back to the parking lot.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
It was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I asked , "Well, can you please come and get me? "
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the Golden Years !.
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Primrose
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A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 90th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!
When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high "I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth $250..00 for just an overnight stay - I didn't even have breakfast!"
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate,' and breakfast had been included had she wanted it.
She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: "This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them." ''Well, they are here, and you could have."
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous.
"We have the best entertainers from all over the world performing here."
"But I didn't go to any of those shows.." She pleaded.
"Well, we have them, and you could have." was the reply.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his
standard response.
After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check.
"But Madam, this check is for only $50.00" "That's correct" she replied "I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me."
"But I didn't sleep with you madam!" said the manager
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."!!