Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[WestHamRon]

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight and, being
a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby
is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know, she said. "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

[WestHamRon]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.







The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.







'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and Iknow I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,’ she told him.







'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.







At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?







‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb's broken!’

[Gerry]

I can't believe that my Tax Return Form was returned so that i could amend my answer to Question 4, "Do you have anyone dependent upon you"?

I'd answered.

2.1 Illegal Immigrants,
1.1 million Crackheads,
4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle Scroungers,
900,000 Criminals in over 85 prisons,
PLUS
650 Idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission.

It was deemed to be "Not an acceptable answer".

WHO THE HELL DID I MISS OUT THEN?

[Primrose]

FULL BODY SCANS AT US AIRPORTS:
CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results
December 2013 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :
Terrorists Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Haemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3
It was also discovered that 308 politicians had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.

[Elaine]

A boss was talking to one of his employees.
"Do you believe in life after death?" he asked.
"No I don't actually" replied the employee. "There is no proof at all to support it."
"Well, I think you'll find you will have to revise your opinion".
"Why is that?" asked the employee,
"Because," said his boss, " After you left early to attend your Uncle's funeral yesterday, he came in here asking for you....."

[Beryl]

I thought this seemed appropriate Mouse as you started the thread.

Beryl.

[alan refail]

[JohnN]

Three engineers were discussing the human body. One said '"It must have been designed by a mechanical engineer, just see how wonderfully the joints are put together".
"Oh no", said one, "it must have been an electrical engineer, all those billions of electrical circuits all working together"
"No, said" said the third. "Only a civil engineer could possibly run a waste pipe through the centre of a recreational area"

[Westi]

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

The Mrs got a terrible headache & told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband protested, but she argued & said she was going to take some aspirin & go to bed & there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume & away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain & as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party & soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could & copping a little feel here & a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him & being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high & dry & devoted his time to the new babe who had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear & she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars & had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away, went home, put the costume away & got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in & she asked what kind of a time he’d had.

He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'

'Did you dance much?'

'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete , Bill Brown & some other guys & we went into the den & played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to .....

Westi

[Cathy1960]

A man walked into a bar and said OUCH

[Cathy1960]

What do you call a fish without an eye?

Fsh...

(works better spoken aloud!)

[Beryl]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

Oh , yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope.........just when it's raining.

[The Mouse]

Thanks Beryl - your mouse joke has really made me chuckle

I have been so busy recently that I don't get on the forum as much as I'd like, but there are so many hilarious jokes still being added that I'm glad I found the time to catch up today.

I can't believe this thread is still running after all this time, but I'm glad it is as I know where to look if I need cheering up

[Beryl]

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter. He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning. The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[Beryl]

Excellent.