Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Monika]

There was a young lady at Yale
Who offered her body for sale.
For the sake of the blind,
She had her behind
Tattooed with prices in Braiile.

[Primrose]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and
cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering
how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent. Love it !!

6. Negligent, adj. Absent mindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men..........

[donedigging]

> Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..
>
>
> Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
>
>
> The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl
to test the strength of the windshields.
>
> American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it
on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
>
>
> Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two
and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
>
> The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
>
>
> You're going to love this......
>
>
>
> Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:


"Defrost the chicken."

[Beryl]

I loved this one - thanks.

Beryl.

[Shallot Man]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ar've got
everythin' organized awready, the fluers, the church, the caurs, the
reception, the rings, the Minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly..

"I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in
that... What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "A'd imagine she'll be in white.

[JohnN]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married
again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence –

HUSBAND:
"shit."

[Shallot Man]

JohnN. Bril

[alan refail]

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it! You never know when you might need a nail.

[Primrose]

After too much digging recently, maybe a few of us will be signing up to join the crew on here.....

http://www.youtube.com/embed/G0PekTUmBd ... r_embedded

I didn't spot OH on his zimmerised tractor though !

[Westi]

Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each.

Barak goes first.

“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out

"The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent,

There is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”

David thinks “It's not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that” so he asks:

“What will England be like in 100 years time?”

The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout.

But he just stares at it.

“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say”

David replies,

“Buggered if I know! It's not in English!”

[alan refail]

So the Welsh did take back Britain after all!

[Westi]

Alan

Westi

[Primrose]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So, they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So, they pulled into a nearby farm with a very lavish home and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry." Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And, if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
The next morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But, about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out. But, he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the stormy ski weekend...

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob.

"Did you..... Uh, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!" Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did.."

"And, did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
"Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.... I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

(And, you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?

[Westi]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[Primrose]

Please enter your new password:

"cabbage"

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"boiled cabbage"

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"1 boiled cabbage"

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"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

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"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

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character consecutively.

"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAss,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow"

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"ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow"

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