Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Westi]

B&Q JOB APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.

They hired him because he was so funny....

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but 1 am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITON: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available.

If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITON HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 - 3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here'?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no. On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes. absolutely.

-------------------------------------------
After landing my new job as a B & Q “Greeter - a good find for many retirees. I lasted less than a day . About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting Bognor babe walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to B & Q." I then said,"Nice children you have there. Are they twins?" The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No, they ain't effin twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7, why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just effin stupid?" I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn't believe someone shagged you twice... Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q."
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

[WestHamRon]

Siamese twins walk into a Toronto bar and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re joined at the hip.
I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson drafts please.”

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?”

Jim agrees.

“Ah, England!” says the bartender.
“Wonderful country … the history, the beer, the culture …”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer,
that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”

“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

[Westi]

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'

[Westi]

WestHamRon - funny! May be not PC but funny! xx

Westi

[alan refail]

arr (575x575).jpg (167.14 KiB) Viewed 4762 times

[retropants]

may I pinch that one? it's brilliant!

[peter]

Yesterday was "International Talk Like a Pirate Day".

Aarrrrrr.

[Primrose]

I must be totally thick. I didn,t get that last one at all.

[alan refail]

Primrose...

aargh.jpg (6.41 KiB) Viewed 4741 times

[Monika]

I don't get it either ... and I still don't. Why does a pirate say "Argh"?

[peter]

Started as a group of friends hsving a bit of a giggle snd spread. http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

[Shallot Man]

53,000 Scousers meet in Anfield for a 'Scousers Are Not Stupid' convention.

Steven Gerrard addresses the crowd.. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that Scousers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'
Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Gerrard asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?'
After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says, ' Forty!'
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the Scousers start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard says, 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance.'
So he asks, 'What is 5 plus 5?'
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, ' Twelve?'
Gerrard looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh.
Everyone is disheartened and Rooney starts crying.
But then the 53,000 Scousers begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'
Gerrard, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'OK then, what is 2 plus 2?'
Silence hangs over the stadium.
Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'
Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Scouse crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream,
'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!

[Shallot Man]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
>
> Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
>
> "Oh really? Darn it," said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
>
> "Well now, not so fast," said the cop. “ Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
>
> "Oh no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next To a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'
>
> So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy, Give me $20, or off it comes.' "
>
> "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck. Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
>
>
> "Not everybody pays."

[Shallot Man]

.

The Euro


"In light of the latest problems facing the European currency, e.g. Ireland
and Portugal having had a bailout; Greece is facing collapse and is needing
another bailout, a Belgian bank collapsed and now Italy is teetering on the
brink, possibly tipping Austria over the edge, the question is?

Should the UK adopt the Euro?"

You would be interested to know that a cross-section survey of 10,000 people
in Sheffield, made up of a representative sample of local citizens
consisting of Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Indians, Poles, Iraqis,
Somalis, Bosnians,Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians,

Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians,Congolese and Zimbabweans (phew!) were
asked if they thought Britain should change its currency and adopt the Euro
??

99.9% said no, they were quite happy with the Giro.

[Shallot Man]

Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognized food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!