Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Shallot Man]

Yesterday my daughter asked (again) why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation anymore. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and socialize with the other seniors and play games, do crafts, play cards or bowl, and have lunch.

I did this a few times and when I got home last night, I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had a great time and met one of the volunteers there who signed me up for a parachute club.

She said, "Are you nuts? You're over 70 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

She said to me, "Good grief mom, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Well then I'm in trouble twice... I signed up for three jumps a week," I told her.

She almost fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it really can be fun.....

[Shallot Man]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Deg1bQt1rzQ

[donedigging]

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.

Grumpy leads the pack.

'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'

Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome ...'

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.

Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe ...

'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'

The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns
anywhere in the world.'

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'
'Grumpy screwed a penguin!'

[Arnie]

Regards

Arnie

[snooky]

Fw: Five Horses is Her Name




"Five Horses Is Her Name"



This is too beautiful not to share!
"Five Horses Is Her Name"
This is mythical and deep ... Truly beautiful.





A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".




The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"




The Old Indian answered, "It is old Indian name. It means ..."



"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[JohnN]

Federal Court Ruling from the Courier Mail, Australia
> A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama
> yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have
> custody of him.
> The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the
> judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the
> child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be
> maintained to the degree possible.
> The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt
> beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live
> with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his
> grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
> After considering the remainder of the immediate family and
> learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life
> among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing
> the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
> After two recesses to check legal references and confer with
> child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to
> the Australian Cricket team, whom the boy firmly believes are
> not capable of beating anyone.
>

[Westi]

AT LAST A BLOKE HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

[ken]

Was sent one of those internet round-robin things today by an American friend - a collection of pub notice boards. Two I liked were:

"Today's special. Buy one beer for the price of two, and get a second beer absolutely free!"

"Unaccompanied children will be given an espresso coffee and a free kitten"

[John]

Like them Ken.

I'm always very wary though of these email round-robins and so on as I think that they are often used by spammers to collect active email addresses.

John

[ken]

An interesting thought, John. I haven't heard that suggested before, but it could be true - though I haven't been hit yet.

[Beryl]

I thought as long as all the email addresses were put in the Bcc it would be as secure as it can be. Maybe I am wrong.

Beryl.

[alan refail]

[John]

Alan I think this means that there is comfort station for use by Daleks.
I had often wondered how Daleks cope with calls of nature.

John

[Westi]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I
saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£37,000.";

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and
found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market.
They're asking £570,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's
what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him
in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

[Monika]

Westi, I just thought I would let you know that my OH took a copy of your latest joke (see above) to the Grumpy Old Men's Club in the local pub where it proved to be a huge success!