Ken decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.
His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks ....
"Honey, I've been thinking ... now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns, boat, and airplane.
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't."
Please can we have some more 'funnies'?
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
-
alan refail
- KG Regular
- Posts: 7254
- Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
- Been thanked: 7 times
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
BEWARE!!!!!
*ATTENTION: VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION *
A VIRUS is going round called *Housework*.
If you feel the need to start housework - Stop Immediately !!
This virus affects your sleep and wipes out your social life.
It causes you to be late for luncheons with friends and disrupts coffee get-togethers.
It makes you grumpy and irritable.
If you should come in contact with housework, go straight to the nearest store and
get the only known antidotes, which are called CHOCOLATE and WINE.
Please forward this warning immediately to a least 6 friends.
If you realize you do not have 6 friends, you are already infected !
Beryl.
*ATTENTION: VERY IMPORTANT INFORMATION *
A VIRUS is going round called *Housework*.
If you feel the need to start housework - Stop Immediately !!
This virus affects your sleep and wipes out your social life.
It causes you to be late for luncheons with friends and disrupts coffee get-togethers.
It makes you grumpy and irritable.
If you should come in contact with housework, go straight to the nearest store and
get the only known antidotes, which are called CHOCOLATE and WINE.
Please forward this warning immediately to a least 6 friends.
If you realize you do not have 6 friends, you are already infected !
Beryl.
-
snooky
- KG Regular
- Posts: 1033
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
- Location: Farnborough
- Has thanked: 16 times
- Been thanked: 65 times
- ATT0004010.jpg (23.2 KiB) Viewed 5231 times
Regards snooky
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
****** FROM ROLLS-ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE ******
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl
to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it
on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two
and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
"Defrost the chicken."
Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..
Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens
at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl
to test the strength of the windshields.
American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it
on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,
blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two
and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..
The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.
You're going to love this......
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:
\/
\/
\/
\/
\/
"Defrost the chicken."
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
A Husband takes the wife to a disco.
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says ''Looks like he's still celebrating!''
There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says ''Looks like he's still celebrating!''
-
JohnN
- KG Regular
- Posts: 636
- Joined: Thu Jul 27, 2006 5:45 pm
- Location: Hookwood, near Gatwick
- Been thanked: 2 times
Gerry's gag reminded me of when I got my first computer, in the 80s, and my local pub's landlord's daughter had just come down from uni with a degree in computer science. Over the bar she informed me that she was charging £50 an hour for computer advice, so I gave her my most winning smile and said "Can I have a couple of free questions". She smiled back and said "Of course you can - what's the second one?"
-
Westi
- KG Regular
- Posts: 6549
- Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:46 pm
- Location: Christchurch, Dorset
- Has thanked: 1673 times
- Been thanked: 619 times
4 Husbands
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
LOL!!!!
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
(Wait for it)
She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
LOL!!!!
Westi
-
snooky
- KG Regular
- Posts: 1033
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
- Location: Farnborough
- Has thanked: 16 times
- Been thanked: 65 times
50 Shades of Grey in reverse!!
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling
down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug b******d!!!"
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again...... back and forth...
back and forth..... in and out.......
She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling
down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding..... her face was flushed.....
Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,
"Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the car!!! You do it, you smug b******d!!!"
Regards snooky
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
-
snooky
- KG Regular
- Posts: 1033
- Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:03 pm
- Location: Farnborough
- Has thanked: 16 times
- Been thanked: 65 times
Computer Problem.
- ATT000162.jpg (8.09 KiB) Viewed 5052 times
Regards snooky
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
---------------------------------
A balanced diet is a beer in both hands!
WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion
-
Westi
- KG Regular
- Posts: 6549
- Joined: Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:46 pm
- Location: Christchurch, Dorset
- Has thanked: 1673 times
- Been thanked: 619 times
UK supermarket chain Waitrose has withdrawn its popular ‘essential’ range after discovering that the cut-price products had led to a number of poor people shopping there.
The discount brand, launched in 2009 to help Waitrose’s core customer base cope with the recession without having to downgrade one of their Range Rovers, was proving extremely successful. This success appears to have come at a price though, with the unwanted side effect of attracting the working class.
‘At first it worked fine, our regular shoppers were delighted with the new range, and common people were still put off by the Waitrose branding’ explained marketing director Rupert Thomas, ‘but as we advertised more, and made the mistake of including the prices of products in our TV commercials, we began to see some undesirable characters appearing in our aisles, enticed in by the prospect of finding a tin of beans for under £5, which they previously hadn’t expected from us. One horrid man even came in wearing a Hi-Vis vest looking for a sandwich. It was awful.’
The popularity of the ‘essential’ range had seen it quickly expand to include affordable versions of many foodstuffs and household items. To make matters worse Waitrose also starting pointing out that many of their prices were the same as those found in Tescos, attracting even more lower class shoppers and alienating many of their existing clientele. ‘It was so demeaning finding out that I wasn’t paying any more for my groceries than a common chav’ moaned former Waitrose customer Emily Hamilton-Brown. ‘I’ve gone back to doing my weekly shop at Fortnum & Mason now, just to make sure I don’t accidentally purchase something that’s buy-one-get-one-free.’
‘Hopefully withdrawing the products and stopping the adverts will stop any additional commoners coming in,’ continued Mr Thomas, ‘but we still have the problem of getting rid of the ones that have already started shopping with us. They’re still turning up, wandering around looking a bit lost and not buying anything. We’re thinking of putting up signs outside pointing out that Lidl down the road has some great deals on, or maybe we’ll just put down some traps baited with chicken nuggets so we can catch them humanely and release them in Asda.
Westi
The discount brand, launched in 2009 to help Waitrose’s core customer base cope with the recession without having to downgrade one of their Range Rovers, was proving extremely successful. This success appears to have come at a price though, with the unwanted side effect of attracting the working class.
‘At first it worked fine, our regular shoppers were delighted with the new range, and common people were still put off by the Waitrose branding’ explained marketing director Rupert Thomas, ‘but as we advertised more, and made the mistake of including the prices of products in our TV commercials, we began to see some undesirable characters appearing in our aisles, enticed in by the prospect of finding a tin of beans for under £5, which they previously hadn’t expected from us. One horrid man even came in wearing a Hi-Vis vest looking for a sandwich. It was awful.’
The popularity of the ‘essential’ range had seen it quickly expand to include affordable versions of many foodstuffs and household items. To make matters worse Waitrose also starting pointing out that many of their prices were the same as those found in Tescos, attracting even more lower class shoppers and alienating many of their existing clientele. ‘It was so demeaning finding out that I wasn’t paying any more for my groceries than a common chav’ moaned former Waitrose customer Emily Hamilton-Brown. ‘I’ve gone back to doing my weekly shop at Fortnum & Mason now, just to make sure I don’t accidentally purchase something that’s buy-one-get-one-free.’
‘Hopefully withdrawing the products and stopping the adverts will stop any additional commoners coming in,’ continued Mr Thomas, ‘but we still have the problem of getting rid of the ones that have already started shopping with us. They’re still turning up, wandering around looking a bit lost and not buying anything. We’re thinking of putting up signs outside pointing out that Lidl down the road has some great deals on, or maybe we’ll just put down some traps baited with chicken nuggets so we can catch them humanely and release them in Asda.
Westi
Westi
-
Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
Westi. A Lot of truth in that. Have a very snobby sister, so I am speaking from experience. 
-
donedigging
- KG Regular
- Posts: 963
- Joined: Tue Mar 25, 2008 9:13 pm
- Location: Bristol
From 50 Sheds of Grey
@50ShedsofGrey:
She lay naked on my workbench with nothing but a carrot, a lettuce and a cauliflower covering her nether regions.
She called it a vegazzle.
@50ShedsofGrey:
She lay naked on my workbench with nothing but a carrot, a lettuce and a cauliflower covering her nether regions.
She called it a vegazzle.
donedigging