Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[peter]

What sort of hat does a dyslexic Yorkshireman wear?





A cat flap.

[Shallot Man]

This story really touched me......

A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers.

Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen. She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.

She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.

The husband in a calm voice replied: "Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you...?"

His wife's eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered: "Yes, I remember that jewellery shop..."


"Well," he said, "I'm in the pub next door!"

[JohnN]

There's an amusing video called goldfish-1.wmv a friend has sent me.
It depicts a little girl digging a large hole in her garden and the man next door is looking over the fence.
"Hello, what are you up to?"
"I'm burying my goldfish"
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that... still, it was only a goldfish. But why such a big hole?"
"Because it's inside your effing cat!"

[John]

Once again this year, I’ve had many requests for my Rum Christmas Cake recipe, so here goes. Please keep it in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!)
1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1......bottle Bacardi Rum,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of rum to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the rum once again to be sure it is of the highest quality and hasn't 'spoiled', then repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the rum is still OK. (Taste another cup, just in case.)
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the rum to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the rum. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the rum and wipe the counter with the cat...


John
PS The cake keeps well if stored in an (air) tight tin.

[Westi]

Westi

[Beryl]

http://www.pusher.com.au/clients/pusher-christmas-2011

This is amazing.

Beryl.

[alan refail]

[Shallot Man]

A man was dining alone in a fancy

restaurant and there was a
gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He had been checking
her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her
glass eye came flying out of its
socket towards the man. He reflexively
reached out, grabbed it out of
the air, and handed it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman
said, as she popped her eye back in
place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make
it up to you.' They enjoyed a
wonderful dinner together, and
afterwards they went to the theatre
followed by drinks. They talked, they
laughed, she shared her deepest dreams
and he shared his. She listened to him
with interest.

After paying for everything, she
asked him if he would like to come
to her place for a nightcap and stay
for breakfast. They had a wonderful,
wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a
gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy was amazed. Everything
had been so incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect
woman. Are you this nice to every
guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. .....
wait forit ................
It's coming ........ ........
The suspense is
killing you, isn't it?


She said ..... ......

'You just happened
to catch my eye.'

[Shallot Man]

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern
European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury's
supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an
experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-21 year-old girls come
over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They
both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out
of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip,
they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another supermarket,
in my case, Tesco's.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they
start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull
over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you
intimately, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one
steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On August 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and
twice yesterday.

So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for
this scam.
The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.
P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl
wallets are £1.75 and look better.

[alan refail]

[peter]

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

[Shallot Man]

Peter. The Xmas one. Brilliant.

[peter]

Inner Peace.
I am passing this on to you because it really worked for me today and I believe we could all do with more calm in our lives.

This morning I read about a doctor who says the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my home to find all the things I had started but not finished.

Since then I have managed to finish off....................... a bottle of Merlot, abottle of Chardonney, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pocage of Prungles, tha mainder of a botl of Prozic an Valiuminun scriptions, the rest of tha chesseckae an a boxx of choclatz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablusI feel rite now.

Plaes sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisssss................ an telum u blody luvum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Geoff]

Did you realise that on the last census enough people gave their religion as Jedi that if they got together they could open a faith school?

First item on the curriculum - Counting - four, five, six, one, two, three, seven, eight, nine.

[Shallot Man]

ONE CAN ONLY WISH OLD AGE WAS THIS FUNNY!!



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'




Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'



One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'