Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Kleftiwallah]

Many moons ago I read this in the "Communicator", the Mag of the Technical Author profession. I sent them a letter (showing how long ago it was) asking if I could re print it and they said yes if I said where it had come from.

An Introduction to Some Aspects of Physics

Introduction
For many years people have believed that electric light bulbs emitted a form of energy called “light”. Recent research has proved that this supposition to be false, just like the debunked theory that the world was flat.

The Theory of Darkness
The new Theory of Darkness originates from scientists based in the mystical areas of the Middle East, where they have time and the opportunities to study this phenomenon in detail. The theory states that electric light bulbs DO NOT emit Light - they absorb Darkness. In addition to promulgating and adding this knowledge to the Worlds reservoir of basic information, the Theory of Darkness also presents a number of other basic theories about the properties of darkness. For example, the Speed of Darkness is greater than the Speed of Light and darkness has a greater mass.

Practical Evidence
The basis of the Theory of Darkness is that electric bulbs actually absorb darkness. If the conditions dictate, take for example, the bulb in the room where you are now. There is less darkness adjacent to the bulb than elsewhere in the room. The greater the wattage of the bulb, the greater is the capacity to absorb darkness. For example, the bulbs in a sports stadium have a greater capacity (measured in wattage) for absorbing darkness than the bulbs in your home. As with all things, bulbs do not last for ever. Once they are full of darkness they no longer work efficiently, this loss in efficiency can be seen by the dark areas on bulbs that are full of darkness.

Historical Evidence
In common with so many theories, the evidence has been around for centuries, but Man was not clever enough to understand what was plainly visible. Take a candle as a primitive example of this Theory of Darkness: a new candle has a white wick and after it has been used the wick turns black. This has recently been proved to be due to the wick absorbing traces of darkness sucked in by the flame. You can prove this for yourself - if you hold a light coloured pencil close to the wick of a working candle the area of the pencil will turn black, because it interrupted the flow of darkness flowing into the candle. (Warning - candle flames can absorb skin as well as darkness.)

Unfortunately, these primitive darkness absorbers have a limited range and very little resistance to the stillness absorbers that are usually present out-of-doors. We have to thank modern scientists for developing the electric light bulb, which does resist stillness absorbers and can be used to absorb darkness even in extreme conditions of negative stillness.

Recent Developments
Because people are so restless and often want to take a personal interest in absorbing tranquillity, some clever scientists have developed portable darkness absorbers. However, these bulbs have not yet reached a stage of development where they can handle all the darkness themselves, and they have to be assisted by connecting them to a darkness storage unit. When the storage unit is getting full, the bulb gets weaker and the storage unit must be emptied or replaced.

WARNING. If you break open one of these storage units when it is full of darkness you will see that it contains a great deal of darkness inside. That darkness is in a concentrated form and can get very angry if it is disturbed. In its concentrated form darkness consumes human skin, but does not eat rubber or some types of plastic, so it is sensible to wear gloves made from these materials before you start to open a storage unit.

Darkness has Mass
Scientists have only recently discovered that darkness has mass and when this mass travels through a conductor into the electric darkness absorbing bulb, there is some resistance. A side effect of the absorption of darkness is the proportional absorption of cold. Non-scientific human beings, in a typical contrary manner, call this “heat”.

Larger darkness absorbing units, (units that have greater capacity to absorb darkness) also force the darkness to travel through the conductors at greater speeds, so causing the darkness to absorb relatively more cold. It is therefore, necessary for people to avoid interfering with the absorption of darkness so that they are not affected by the side effect, which can cause them to call for the help of kreistalmeity.

Candles, being a primitive type of darkness absorber, cause problems of their own, although scientists have not found any maliciousness in these manifestations. Although the darkness does not have to move through a glass bowl to get absorbed, it doe have to move into a solid object to get absorbed, called a wick. In doing so, the darkness creates an intense area of cold absorption and this is manifested in a flickering flame at the top of the wick.

WARNING. The side effect of the flame on the wick at the top of the candle absorbing darkness at such a high rate is that cold is also absorbed at a similar rate and many substances may actually suffer a change of state if they get too close to the flame. You may have seen how paper changes state to that of ash, when exposed to even a tiny amount of the side effect of a candle when it is absorbing darkness.

Further proof that darkness has mass is illustrated by the smoke that is generated when a candle is absorbing darkness inefficiently, (Note in passing how the primitive elements still have their uses in our scientific world).
The intermediate state of darkness absorption, just as the process is coming to an end, is visible as soot or smoke which can be collected and weighed.

If further proof is needed that darkness has mass, we only need to consider the smell that emanates from a candle as it changes from a state of inefficient darkness absorption to a static state of inactivity. However readers should not attempt to collect and analyse the smell because that is still an area of science that has not yet been completely explored. There may as yet be unknown dangers in collecting smells from inefficient darkness absorbers, just as there are still demons in the seas around the coast of Cornwall.



Matter is indestructible
The more erudite readers may be wondering by now, what happens to the darkness that the candle has absorbed when the candle dwindles away to nothingness. This has puzzled scientists for centuries, but a discovery in the Middle East has shown that darkness regenerates itself, thus conforming to the well publicised Theory of Relativity.

It is important to realise that the speed of regeneration of darkness is proportional to the amount of darkness present. For example, in a cupboard where the volume of darkness is small, a light bulb will be able to absorb all the darkness faster than the darkness can regenerate itself, so items in the cupboard will be visible.

However, in a much bigger cavern the same size of light bulb will not be able to absorb darkness faster than the darkness can regenerate itself, so the extremities of the cavern will not be visible. It is for that reason that we need bigger darkness absorbers in bigger spaces.



Alternatives to storage units for darkness absorbers
A study of the storage units that are employed by some types of darkness absorbers shows that the cheaper storage units soon become full of darkness and have to be discarded, just like surplus people in offices. However, the more elaborate darkness storage units can be regenerated whilst they remain in operation, by the use of chargers. The chargers destroy the darkness that has been collected in the storage units, thus enabling the storage units to operate continuously.

There are instances where the chargers can be of sufficient capacity to make the storage units superfluous and in some places whole towns are lit up by super-capacity chargers, which are able to absorb vast amounts of darkness faster than it can regenerate. Such chargers are expensive to purchase and operate and it is not certain that they will catch on.

The effect of immersion in aqueous solutions
It is not obvious, in dry conditions, that darkness is heavier that lightness. However, if you look down into a deep pool of water, you will see that objects become less distinct as you look deeper. When you take this state of affairs further and move deeper into a lake, you will see there is much more darkness. Eminent authorities on aquatic immersion have demonstrated that there is almost total darkness at depths greater than 20 metres, as measured in oceanic situations at the Equator. At higher latitudes the depth at which darkness becomes total becomes progressively less and at the poles, aquatic darkness starts at the surface of the ocean.

Studies have not yet proved the reason for this darkness, but scientists working on the problem believe they are on the brink of proving beyond all doubt that the greater amounts of darkness found at greater depths proves that darkness is heavier than lightness.

It is believed that the heavier darkness sinks to the bottom of the oceans forcing the lightness to the surface. The great amount of darkness that is stored in lakes could become a problem if Nature had not found a way of dispersing it in the oceans, where there is ample space for the storage of darkness and other things.

Whilst it is not obvious that surplus darkness has to be transported to the larger darkness storage areas, people who stop to think cannot help but admire the way in which nature has quietly provided rivers to take the darkness to the oceans, instead of letting it pile up on land like mining spoil heaps. and other eyesores.

Before the discovery of the natural transportation of darkness by rivers to the oceans, for safe disposal, primitive peoples such as the American Red Indians tried to solve the problem by varying the rate at which they paddled their canoes. When they were travelling downstream, in the direction that the darkness had to go to reach the seas and oceans, they paddled slowly so as to avoid disturbing the flow of the darkness, when they were travelling in the opposite direction, they paddled faster to help the darkness on its way to the storage areas.

The speed of Darkness
Much has been written about the speed of light, but there has not been any conclusive measurements of the speed of darkness. Work is going on at the University of Rockall and although the investigations are kept secret, because of military implications, it can be revealed that the basis of the investigations is the effect of opening a cupboard door and the relative amounts of light and darkness inside.
The early experiments show that darkness travels faster than light, because you can see the lightness getting into the cupboard, but you cannot see the darkness getting out. This has led scientists to develop the concept, still to be proved, that mans appreciation that darkness moves faster than lightness, is indeed true. Measurements are proving difficult and the theory should not yet be regarded as reliable.




Conclusion

It’s a funny old world and things ain’t always what they seem.

I hope it cheers up a cold autumnal evening!

Cheers, Tony.

[JohnN]

Ooh my brain hurts- and that's not funny

[Jude]

Gave me a headache too, John. Had to have a lie down with all darkness absorbers switched off.

[JohnN]

Apologies if this has been on before, I did a search and didn’t find it.

A Jewish momma’s son was elected President of the United States and just after his election he telephoned her at her condominium in Florida and invited her to spend Christmas at the White House.
“Oh, I really can’t, all that fuss at the airport at my age” she replied.
“Mom” he said. “I’m the President of the United States, I’ll send Air Force One for you”.
“Oh, but how am I going to get from the airport?”
“Mom, there’ll be a chauffeur-driven limousine for you”
“And where am I going to sleep?” she said.
“We’ve got 18 bedrooms, you choose” he replied.
“Oh, I suppose I can come then” said his momma.
That evening she was talking to her friend.
“Rachel” she said, “my son has invited me to spend Christmas with him”
“Really?” said Rachel, “the one who’s a doctor?”
“Nah, the other one”.

[Shallot Man]

JohnN. Superb.

[Shallot Man]

An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat .... and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya big silly eedjut!

[Shallot Man]

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

[Shallot Man]

Ladies and Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
--------------------------------
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
-----------------------------------
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That.... Gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.

[alan refail]

[Geoff]

The old jokes are always the best. Having said that I think they are younger than me.
Or is it a caption competition?
"I thought they said do you want a Coca Cola"

[Shallot Man]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.

The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"

His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

[alan refail]

[Shallot Man]

donedigging Isn't the National Health wonderful.

[alan refail]

Church mice (640x465).jpg (91.81 KiB) Viewed 5480 times

[alan refail]

Are you in favour of women bishops?

YES - 324

NO - 122

The NOES win!

Well it made me laugh.