Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[peter]

Jokes need to be suitable for mixed company and not contain words that could cause offence.

Imagine you are the compere for the primary school summer fete and Father Murphy, Mr Brown the vicar, Mr Islam the Iman, Ms McHenry the local Inspector of police with her partner Ms Jones, together with a racially diverse selection of parents and infants are attending, as well as Mr Smith who just happens to work as a no-win no-fee lawyer.

Because that is a possible audience on this forum.

[Johnboy]

Hi Peter,
It seems that you really want a "funnies" thread to be rather humourless.
It seems that in these austere days of political correctness laughing is to be restricted.
I take it that in future it has to be 'anal wind discharge instead of the good old common or garden FART!'
What a shame.

Jokes need to be suitable for mixed company and not contain words that could cause offence.
Imagine you are the compere for the primary school summer fete and Father Murphy, Mr Brown the vicar, Mr Islam the Iman, Ms McHenry the local Inspector of police with her partner Ms Jones, together with a racially diverse selection of parents and infants are attending, as well as Mr Smith who just happens to work as a no-win no-fee lawyer.

If I have offended any of those enclosed above so beit!
JB.

[peter]

The wife has been missing for a fortnight & the police have said I should prepare for the worst......

So I have been down the charity shop & got all her clothes back.

[Shallot Man]

Johnboy. I have already been chastised on this subject.

[snooky]

Guess The Nationality

H

Thong.jpg (13.86 KiB) Viewed 4265 times

American?

Swiss?

Spanish?

French?

Italian?



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All wrong.......... POLISH!






Don't believe it?





Okay, take a look...





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H



H
H


H

sausage.jpg (32.84 KiB) Viewed 4265 times

So, what were you thinking?



Remember - Keep Smiling! It makes
people wonder what you're up to!










.

[alan refail]

All wrong.......... POLISH!

Sorry to be pedantic, but you're wrong too!

The language is Russian - Русский язык

The make is Мясная лавка which means Delicatessen

The sausage is Сервелат финский - Finnish Cervelat

[Shallot Man]

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:


1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."


2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop"

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Centre)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

[Stephen]

I found a note on
the fridge door from my girl-friend, it read
"It's not working. I can't take it anymore so I am going to my mother's."

I opened the fridge.
The light came on.
The beer was still cold.

What isn't working?

[alan refail]

The final round of the hammer throw event comes down to:
A Russian soldier, a Bulgarian farmer, and Larry, who lives with his parents. The Russian throws first: 85 meters. Interviewed later, he says, “I’m from a military family, which gives me discipline.” Then the Bulgarian throws: 88 meters. He tells reporters, “I’m from a farming family. This gives me strength.” It’s Larry’s turn. He slings the hammer 95 meters, winning gold! Later, he explains, “I’m from a long line of lazy people, and I was taught, ‘If anyone ever puts a hammer in your hand, throw it as far away as you can.’”

"I have a problem with that silver medal."
“It’s like, 'Congratulations, you almost won. Of all the losers, you’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'”—Jerry Seinfeld

The French, German, and Hungarian fencers are arguing over who is the best in their sport.
The Frenchman pulls out his foil: “I will show you all!” He targets a fly buzzing around, and with one swipe of his blade, the fly falls to the ground, cut neatly in half. The German smiles. He locates another fly, and with two swipes, it falls to the ground, its wings neatly removed. Now it’s the Hungarian’s turn. Lifting his foil, he takes three swipes at a fly, which flutters off, undisturbed. The others laugh, but the Hungarian holds up his hands. “That fly,” he says, “will never procreate again.”

[alan refail]

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed
at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great
physical condition?"
I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?"
"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive. How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this
morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer too."
"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it
than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your
grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why
would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to?"

[Shallot Man]

Tom's scrotum The Best Story of the Year:




The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

[alan refail]

Top ten from Edinburgh Fringe 2012


1. Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. "
3. Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."
4. Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."
5. Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet… I don't know why."
6. Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."
7. George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."
8. Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!"
9. Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad."
10. Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism… she wouldn't fancy her chances."

[Shallot Man]

PARAPROSDOKIANS...

(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
And mine is.........
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

[jess379]

This is just what i needed (:

[Shallot Man]

THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine, brandy and whisky into urine.

It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I really enjoy it."

Harold is an inspiration to all off us!