Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[peter]

Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, to fertilise the pullets' eggs. Trevor kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favourite rooster was David, and a very fine specimen he was too, but on this particular morning Trevor noticed David's bell hadn't rung at all!

Trevor went to investigate.The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover but to farmer Trevor's amazement, David the chicken David had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Trevor was so proud of David, he entered him into the London Exhibition and David became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The Result?

The judges not only awarded David the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly David was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and doing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Pullitician called David?...........

[Panteg Produce]

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken
down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going
to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my
truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back
which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit
stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road
all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for
me?
I'll give you $100 for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees
were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and
carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the
heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the
two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a
screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded,
"I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,"but we had money
left over so now we're going to Sea World."

[Panteg Produce]

A man starts his new job at the zoo, and is given 3 tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at the two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the bodies into the lion enclosure.

He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do, and throws them into the lion enclosure - because
lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"

The lion replies:






wait for it











wait for it










"Absolutely brilliant! Today we had fish, chimps and mushy bees!!!!!!"

[Panteg Produce]

So Dad, How Did You Like The iPad I Got You?

http://www.wimp.com/dadipad/

The language is not needed, just watch, and enjoy.

[Panteg Produce]

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

[Panteg Produce]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.. There the doctor advised them that the hospital was testing a new high-tech machine that would transfer some of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested and both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and increase the pain transfer level.


The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer and it was soon obvious that the husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.


After an in depth discussion, they decided to try for 50% and even at this very high level of pain the husband continued to feel quite well. They decided then that since the procedure was obviously helping the wife considerably without causing any perceptible discomfort to the husband to transfer 100% of the pain to him.


The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and since the husband had experienced no pain either they were both overjoyed with the experience.


Later that day when they got home they found the milkman dead on the porch.

[Westi]

That tickled me!

Westi

[Panteg Produce]

A cop is staking out the Killarney Hotel for bikers riding drunk. At closing time, he sees a biker stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. He finally gets on the bike, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and rides off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, "How is this possible?"

The guy laughs and says, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Panteg Produce]

Third "Nile" virus is coming




I reckon this is THE one we should all be worried about!!!



Third " Nile " virus is coming .....



I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960 .....

Symptoms:

1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that!)

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail ! (That too!)

3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (yep!)

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha!)

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that!)

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. (Oh , no not again!)

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND". (Hate that!)

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." (Oh No!)

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Hmmm......have I sent this to you already, or did you just send it to me?

[Panteg Produce]

Herein lies a tale........


>
> When a woman lies
>
> One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her
> thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and
> asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her
> thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband
> in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water
> and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.
>
>
> "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."
> The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded
> with rubies.
> "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."
> The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.
>
> "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The
> Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to
> keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
>
>
> Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
> riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
> water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are
> you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
>
> The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this
> your husband? The Lord asked.
>
>
> "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
> untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
> misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would
> have come up with Brad Pitt.
> Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I
> then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the
> best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so
> THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney. And so the Lord let her keep him.
> The moral of this story is:
> Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best
> interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
> Signed,
>
> All Us Women
> Laughter is like jogging on the inside. Exercise your 'innards' every day.
> "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the
> bones."
> Women are Angels.
> And when someone breaks our wings,
> We simply continue to fly....on a broomstick.
> We are flexible like that.

[Panteg Produce]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

[Shallot Man]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see RockCity and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

[Panteg Produce]

DONATIONS

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.

We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[alan refail]

Boris Johnson is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him.
The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
Boris turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this mental ward?"

"No" the doctor replies, "It's the Burns unit."

[Shallot Man]

Subject: Traffic Warden




As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s
funeral, a voice from inside screams



“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”



The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and
mutters



“Too bloody late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”