The NHS!!!

[snooky]

Do you ever worry about the NHS ? You should!!
>
> These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater
> Glasgow
>
>
> 1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
>
> 2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
>
> 3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only
> a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
>
> 4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
> very hot in bed last night.
>
> 5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
>
> 6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
> disappeared.
>
> 7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
> depressed.
>
> 8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
>
> 9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
>
> 10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
>
> 11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
>
> 12. She is numb from her toes down.
>
> 13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
>
> 14. The skin was moist and dry.
>
> 15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
>
> 16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
>
> 17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
>
> 18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
>
> 19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
>
> 20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
>
> 21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
>
> 22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
>
> 23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
>
> 24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
>
> 25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
>
> 26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
>
> 27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
>
> 28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
> ran out of fuel and crashed.
>
> 29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
>
> 30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
> directions in early December.
>
> 31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should
> sit on the abdomen and I agree.
>
> 32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as
> a stock broker instead.
>
> 33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
>
>
> Stay away from hospitals!!

[peter]

.... 9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.......

Hmmmm.

[Geoff]

17 would make your eyes water

[Chantal]

>
> 21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

[The Mouse]

Thanks for posting that, Snooky

They say a good laugh really sets you up for the day.

[Primrose]

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Perhaps we should substitute the word "banker" !!

[lizzie]

Bloody hell................I haven't laughed at something so funny for ages

Brilliant that and cheered me right up..........thanks for posting