Kitchen Garden Forum

I read this on another forum and my sides are still aching from the laughing I was doing. I thought I would share it with you. This has to be the best complaint letter ever written. Enjoy

http://timesnews.typepad.com/news/2009/ ... -dear.html

It must be me.........it was moderately funny but not the most funny thing I ever read, wonder what Sir Richard's answer would be?

Thank you Lizzie, I needed a laugh like that

Even funnier than this

Rt Hon David Miliband MP
Secretary of State,
Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA),
Nobel House
17 Smith Square
London SW1P 3JR

16 May 2007

Dear Secretary of State,

My friend, who is in farming at the moment, recently received a cheque for £3,000 from the Rural Payments Agency for not rearing pigs. I would now like to join the "not rearing pigs" business.

In your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to rear pigs on, and which is the best breed of pigs not to rear? I want to be sure I approach this endeavour in keeping with all government policies, as dictated by the EU under the Common Agricultural Policy.

I would prefer not to rear bacon pigs, but if this is not the type you want not rearing, I will just as gladly not rear porkers. Are there any advantages in not rearing rare breeds such as Saddlebacks or Gloucester Old Spots, or are there too many people already not rearing these?

As I see it, the hardest part of this programme will be keeping an accurate record of how many pigs I haven't reared. Are there any Government or Local Authority courses on this?

My friend is very satisfied with this business. He has been rearing pigs for forty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was £1,422 in 1968. That is - until this year, when he received a cheque for not rearing any.

If I get £3,000 for not rearing 50 pigs, will I get £6,000 for not rearing 100?

I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 pigs not raised, which will mean about £240,000 for the first year. As I become more expert in not rearing pigs, I plan to be more ambitious, perhaps increasing to, say, 40,000 pigs not reared in my second year, for which I should expect about £2.4 million from your department. Incidentally, I wonder if I would be eligible to receive tradable carbon credits for all these pigs not producing harmful and polluting methane gases?

Another point: These pigs that I plan not to rear will not eat 2,000 tonnes of cereals. I understand that you also pay farmers for not growing crops. Will I qualify for payments for not growing cereals to not feed the pigs I don't rear?

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send any information you have on that too. Please could you also include the current Defra advice on set aside fields? Can this be done on an e-commerce basis with virtual fields (of which I seem to have several thousand hectares)?

In view of the above you will realise that I will be totally unemployed, and will therefore qualify for unemployment benefits.

I shall of course be voting for your party at the next general election.

Yours faithfully,


XXXXX XXXXXXXXXX


from here

Alan, That's super it had me laughing out loud!

Thanks Lizzie,
Still got tears streaming down my face . . . maybe I've just got a silly sense of humour

I have been told that Richard Branson phoned the guy personally to deal with his compaint and to congratulate him on his communication skills.

I love the pig one.............good luck to the man........if his plan comes off I might apply myself for virtual acharage and for not rearing pigs. cows or growing cereal crops in the city. I could be on to a nice little earner

Dear Lizzie, if you need a virtual stockman to look after your virtual stock, i'm virtually your man.

You're "virtually my man"

That can be taken a few ways

mmwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaahahahahaha

Dear Lizzie, as you are a true lady, i just know you will take it the right way.

Of course I will Herby.............I have a clean and pure mind

And if you believe that you'll believe anything

I have been known to be a little gullable in the past.

Like the time a young lady told me she only wanted me for my money.

You tart Herby................I told Grockie off for that

Dear Lizzie, thats what i love about you, the intellectual conversations we are able to have know and again.

Grockie didn't let on about the money did she.

She tells me everything Herby..............she's the sister I never had