Kitchen Garden Forum

Saw this elsewhere so thought I would share with you. What is frightening and scary is how true it seems to be.......your comments would be appreciated

Cow economics 2008 edition

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and sells you some milk..

NAZISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM

You have 2 cows.

The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM

You have two giraffes.

The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a
debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows.

No balance sheet provided with the release.

The public then buys your bull.

A FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION

Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.

You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of Democracy....

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

Business seems pretty good.

You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows.

The one on the left looks very attractive

Hi Lizzie

You want cows

Irish Corporation: You have two cows. You ask for an EU subsidy for your failed breeding programme.

Australian Corporation: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go down to the pub to celebrate.

Fatalist: You have two doomed cows

Zen: Cows happen. Sometimes twice.

Socialism: You have two cows. You then have thirteen planning meetings to ensure the milk is distributed equitably to the people. Unable to decide on precisely what 'equitable' means, you split into two factions with one cow each.

Revolutionary Socialism: You have two cows. The peasants kill you for them.

Thatcherism: You have two cows. You sell them to a private company and let them profit from them, but buy them some more when they die.

Blairism: You have two cows. You sell them to a private company and let them profit from them, but buy them some more when they die. Whilst smiling.

Enron: You have two cows. You lend one to yourself. You have three cows. Around these four cows you build a complex web of transactions. You have twenty cows and a yacht. People start to wonder where all these cows actually are. You have fifteen cows. No, Twelve. You try to sell the farm. You have four cows. The bank calls. You have no cows and a trial date.

Northern Rock: You have two cows. You borrow the milk of fifteen cows. The fifteen cows go mad. The government has one cow.

Anarchism: You have two cows. They are on fire.

Brown's Britain you have two cows, one dies , you buy another, you get charged tax for having 1 & 1/2 cows for the time between 1 cow dying and buying the next

Liberal: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Instead of giving your neighbour one of your cows, you write to your MP, demanding that he pass legislation for more government programs to help your neighbour get a cow. You hold a concert to raise awareness of cowlessness. Midge Ure sings for the cowless, who couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only people with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that signifies that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done anything to help them at all.

Conservative: You have two cows. Your neighbour has one. So what?

Political correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of unspecified gender.

New Age: Wow, dude, there's like ... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

Catholicism: You have two cows. They make you feel guilty

Daily Mail: You have two cows. They will be killed by asylum seekers. This will drastically affect house prices.

Bushism: You have two cows. Your neighbour has two cows. You have four cows. The world hates you.

Mugabism: You have no cows but a dairy farmer has two and sells you the milk. You take both cows and give them to friends of yours. The cows die. Nobody has any cows or milk but they aren't allowed to mention this.

Quakerism: You have four cows in a circle. They are only milked when they feel moved to be milked.

Daily Express: You have two cows. Somehow they are linked to the death of Princess Diana.

SNP: You have two cows. You will be much happier when they are released from the tyrannical grip of Westminster. Your sums will probably not add up.

Jehovah's Witness: You have two cows. You lead them from door to door to show everyone how lovely they are, and how good a farmer you are.

Homeopathy: You have one cow in a field the size of Utah. Somehow it will produce more milk than traditional methods.

Hypnotherapy: you have two cows. They are feeling sleepy.

Hinduism: You worship the cows! The cows are sacred! No money must change hands! More commonly, Holy Cow!

Hollywood cow - A plain cow on a farm is chosen to have an Extreme Makeover. It has it's hide blow- dried and coloured, its udder has silicone implants, its hooves polished, and its teeth bleached. It gets a career on "Entertainment Tonight" introducing the animal stories, gets really popular, soon it's invited to all the happening parties, cuts a record, gets hooked on grass, goes out exposing its udder to everyone and marries a really stupid wannabe bull, pops out a couple of calves, goes to a party and gets offered some serious grass. It's a STING! It goes with RobAmy Winehouse to Rehab, but some dude coming down from an acid trip freaks out, tips it, and it dies a lonely death on a field; its estate gets left to the milkman, the only person who showed it any care during its life....

Ryanair: You have two cows. You sell the milk at 3p per pint. The 3p cost excludes carton and shelf rental, udder levies and pasteurisation charges. The milk is delivered to a house three streets away from the customer.

Monty Python: You have two cows. Their milk will be recycled for 40 years by people not clever enough to get their own damn cow and milk it themselves.

Freud Cow - You'd like to get ahead in life, but keep blaming your mother.

Petrol Cow - The price just keeps going up.... and up..... and up.... Until someone finally realises that all that methane coming from cows arses actually might be useful for something. Suddenly, cows become highly valued on the black market, along with methane powered engines and an awful lot of piping.

Chav cow - wears a lot of pink, fake fur and very short skirts, wears far too much makeup, spends money on totally unecessary gadgets, says "er" a lot, has the tendency to expose too much skin and has a muffin top, chats on their mobile phone or texting constantly and keeps having calves to different bullfriends. Calls them Shania, Fania, and Bania. And Britney, Pitney, Mitney and Ditney. And David and Victoria, Peter and Jordan.

Irish capitalism: You have two cows. You sell their milk in shamrock-decorated bottles for extortionate prices to gullible Americans, who wish to reconnect with their roots.

Northern Irish capitalism: You have two cows. You claim that one is a Protestant and the other is a Catholic. The government gives you funding for cross-community enterprise

Mormon cows; you have the secret to the perfect way to keep cows, which was secretly revealed to you by a secret cow angel on secret cowhide scrolls which were then secretly taken away before anyone else saw them. You are happy to share this secret for 10% of any interested farmer's income, as long as they swear not to read up on any alternative farming methods. Tell your friends.

Nerd cow farming; you have read all there is to read about keeping cows. You could improve milk production easily, but you can't because actually working with cows makes you ill.

Teenager cow farming: cows are so boooooring. Why can't someone else milk them for a change. God you hate cows.

Socialist Worker: You have two cows. You send them to stand outside stations and sell newspapers.

Hillary Clinton: You have two cows. You remember milking them under sniper fire...

California Cow - Stands around chewing the cud and says "moooood" (dude) a lot. Occasionally surfs, but mostly just chills.

French cow - Stands around with cigarette in one hand, glass of red in the other, beret at a jaunty angle, their milk is used in the best camembert, obviously.

Meritocracy. My cow is better than your cow, so I get to tell you how to look after yours.

Borisocracy: You have two sheep. No, cows, that's right errr... We don't want cows, we want sheep, 3 sheep and a dog. We will endeavour to get milk, the people want milk, and we'll get milk for the people.

Recruitment Consultant Cow: You have two cows - you convince the farmer next door (who requires a sheep and has told you so) that the cow would make a perfect replacement. You convince a cow that it would be a great career move to become a sheep and broaden your skill base. You collect your 15% commission. and laugh when it all turns out badly.

You then convince the farmer that the OTHER cow is an even better replacement...

Pepsi: You have two blue cows. Despite the fact that most people can't tell the difference in the taste, they still buy the majority of their milk from the farmer with the two red cows across the street. You cry yourself to sleep every night.

Tesco: You have two thousand cows. You sell one in every eight pints of milk drunk in this country and want to sell more. You are yet to fully grasp the concept of 'enough'.

Democratic cow: You have two cows and one dog. The dog is outvoted and has to eat grass.

Male cow: You are a bull - snip! Stop booooring the cows with stories of your operation.

Spanish cow: You have a cow and a bull. You heroically kill the bull and milk the cow mañana (i.e. not today).

Quality management cow: You have two cows. The actual output is bullshit.

Science cow : you propose to make hybrid cow human foetuses for research.

Catholic cow: you write to the Daily Mail very severely about this.
__________________

I never, ever, want to read another joke about cows Enough already!

Aaah

Just when we'd got started

Won't eat, gets plastic udder, paints itself with fake tan, marries a football player and poses every time someone produces a camera.

Oh and keeps trying to relaunch its previous pop career.

Who would heifer believe it.

Peter. re POSH COW, you are awful but I do like it. [apologies to a late well known comedian]

If you can't beat them...

Life lessons from cows


1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.

2. Don't cry over spilled milk.

3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!

4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.

5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.

6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!

7. It's better to be seen and not herd.

8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.

9. Never take any bull from anybody.

10. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.

11. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

We asked a few well-known people why that chicken really crossed the road:

GEORGE W. BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

RALPH NADER
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

DAILY EXPRESS
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working Brit.

BASIL FAWLTY
Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.

GROUCHO MARX
Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

SHAKESPEARE
I know not why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

CHARLES DARWIN
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

BOB DYLAN
How many roads must one chicken cross?

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

MARGARET THATCHER
This chicken's not for turning!

CAPTAIN KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

GORDON RAMSEY
'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

JULIUS CAESAR
To come, to see, to conquer.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?