Kitchen Garden Forum

Ok, I was told this one this morning while walking the dog. I apologise in advance and all complaints should be re-directed to Big Tommy of Croccie Park

A duck and a drake check into a hotel for the weekend. The drake calls down to room service for 2 packets of condoms.

The concierge brings them to the room and asks if the drake would like the condoms put on his bill?

"Get out!!!" shrieks the drake, "what do you think I am? Some sort of pervert?"


******** I'm leaving now, bye **********

How coarse.

Could there be a small typo there?

Geoff wrote:Could there be a small typo there?

Yep, realised as I was making the gravy......

have changed it

A cleaner duck joke for sensitive eyes (OH)

Five Doctors Go Duck Shooting

Five doctors went duck shooting one day. Included in the group were a general practitioner, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a time, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the general practitioner who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated.

"I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone.

Another bird appeared in the sky soon thereafter. This time, the pediatrician aimed at it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape.

Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma.

Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards and he fired without hesitation. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him: "Go see if that was a duck, will you?"

And the commonest duck joke ever

A duck walks into a pet store and says to the clerk, “Got any duck food?”
“No,” says the clerk, “we only sell dog food and cat food.”
“OK,” says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, “Uh, got any duck food?”
The clerk once again replies, “No, like I told you, we only sell cat food and dog food.”
“OK,” says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, “Uh, got any duck food?”
The clerk says, “Hey look, I told you two times already that we only sell cat food and dog food!”
“OK,” says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, “Uh, got any duck food?”
This time the clerk yells, “We don’t sell any duck food and if you come in here one more time asking, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to the ground!”
“OK,” says the duck and walks out.
The next day the duck walks in the store and says, “Uh, got any nails?”
“No,” says the confused clerk.
Then the duck says, “Got any duck food?”

Dear Alan, i liked the commonest one the best, i hope that doesn't make me a commoner.

and my very favourite...
Q. whats the difference between a duck?


A. one of its legs is both the same.

or theres the one about how you make a duck into a blues singer......




Put in him the oven till his bill withers


sorry

Dear Di, i know i'm a little slow but blowed if i can get your first joke i know i'm going to make myself look stupid here.

Alan, your duck shooting joke reminded me of a true story which happened to my beloved when he was dry stone walling on the moor. One of the land owning gentry came past and as they chatted, he (the toff) said, "I've just come back from stalking in Scotland" to which my husband's young oppo innocently asked, "Did you shoot any storks then?"

There was a bar man who owned a duck who danced on a tin box. He sold it to another bar man who phoned him later asking how to make him stop. He replied "Open the tin and blow out the candles!"

A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver, informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he doesn't know what to do with them anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from here and that's where you should take them." The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks.
The next day the officer again sees the same pick-up truck speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take those ducks to the zoo!" "I did," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"

A woman walks into a bar and the barman says "Hey where'd you get the pig?"
The woman says "This isn't a pig, it's a duck"
and the barman says "I was talking to the duck!"

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bar man "I'll have a beer".
The barman says "Hey! where did you come from?"
The duck says "I'm working the construction site across the street".
And the bartender says, "Well why are you working construction when you could be making millions in the circus?"
And the duck said "What would the circus want with a brick laying duck?"

Now i got all of those.

This guy walks into a bar, pulls out a tiny piano and stool, and a tiny little man. The tiny man sits down, and starts to play the piano. The barman notices it.

"Hey, what's that?" he asks

The man say "I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, I got this little guy"

"Can I try?

Old Herbaceaous, apolopgies if I confused you, the joke is of course gibberish, which is why i remember it for thirty years and forget so many useful things.

Di

Dear Di, i must say it doesn't take a lot to confuse me.

Chantal - still in the first flush of your honeymoon I see.......