The new Liverpool manager sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Michael Owen and hopefully win Liverpool the title.
One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar. The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won.
Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."
"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street,
your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters, while you
were having a great time."
The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."
"Sorry?!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"
For Lizzie
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oldherbaceous
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Dear Geoff, i think young Lizzie is just going to love that one. 
Kind Regards, Old Herbaceous.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no fool like an old fool.
Heard it before Geoff. How about this one then?
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British Government’s “Work for the Dole” scheme and employ Liverpudlian chaps. The decision to hire them was brought about following a recent documentary
on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over
every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of skunk weed and some photos of Coulthard’s bird in the shower.
Or here's one for the Irish
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick? "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As He does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?"? inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".
The Ferrari Formula 1 Team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. The announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British Government’s “Work for the Dole” scheme and employ Liverpudlian chaps. The decision to hire them was brought about following a recent documentary
on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment,whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over
every team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle over to the McLaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of skunk weed and some photos of Coulthard’s bird in the shower.
Or here's one for the Irish
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick? "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As He does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on the god's earth are dey for?"? inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".
Lots of love
Lizzie
Lizzie
Lizzie
Thanks for the Irish one, thats the 1st laugh I've had today, must go down stairs and tell it to the other half,
also thanks for the Sr. Fifelma site, haven't looked at it yet, couldn't get connected to orange website last night.
We have just got back from the allotment, we sowed the Parsnips today and cut the last 4 heads of winter cabbages, they were in the way .
Bren
Thanks for the Irish one, thats the 1st laugh I've had today, must go down stairs and tell it to the other half,
also thanks for the Sr. Fifelma site, haven't looked at it yet, couldn't get connected to orange website last night.
We have just got back from the allotment, we sowed the Parsnips today and cut the last 4 heads of winter cabbages, they were in the way .
Bren
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The Grock in the Frock
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and thats the type of stuff that goes on in my houseLove you lots like Jelly Tots
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The Grock in the Frock
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will p.m you ,in VERY BAD MOOD 
Love you lots like Jelly Tots
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oldherbaceous
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Hello my dear Grock, you in a bad mood, i don't beieve it. 
Kind Regards, Old Herbaceous.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no fool like an old fool.
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The Grock in the Frock
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WELL I AM SO THERE how you doin? wonna cheer me up?
how you doin? wonna cheer me up?Love you lots like Jelly Tots
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oldherbaceous
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All the better for seeing you on here Grock, it seems such a long time ago that you were last on here. 
Kind Regards, Old Herbaceous.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no fool like an old fool.
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The Grock in the Frock
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ooooh carry on,i,ll b anyones for a bit of flattery
Love you lots like Jelly Tots
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oldherbaceous
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Thats better Grock, what a lovely smile, i normally can come up with something to make people smile.
Kind Regards, Old Herbaceous.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no fool like an old fool.
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The Grock in the Frock
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now ya talkin TIGGER
Love you lots like Jelly Tots
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peter
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Well grock did you have the skunk or the stella?
Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.
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I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/