Neighbours

[Stravaig]

I like to feed people and we invariably have too much food in the house anyway. Now we're back in our own home we know the neighbours on one side. Next door to us is a man and his son, and next door to them on the other side is the man's parents. We've seen nothing of the older ones since we got back.

I made some Christmas canapes and husband went off to deliver them. It should have been a five minute job. He was gone way more than an hour! I asked what happened. The parents were delighted with their canapes (of course) but even more to see husband. They've hardly been out for a couple of years and not seen anyone apart from their son and grandson (our next door neighbours) so a 'visitor' was an exciting event for them. Husband couldn't refuse their invitation to go in, even though he'd only been intending to hand over a few snacks on the doorstep.

They gave him all their news. (We were friendly before but not friends as such.) It turned out that it was the man's 87th birthday so the visit and the canapes were an unexpected birthday treat!

I mention this really as a reminder to be kind. It didn't take me long to make the canapes and I like cooking anyway. I'd never have expected them - and their delivery - to give so much pleasure. It's quite humbling.

In conversation, they told husband their son was going to theirs for Christmas lunch (the grandson has to work). They're having Asda chicken ready meals. (None of them cook.) I looked for that on the Asda website and it looks dismal. I'd not want to appear patronising and interfere with those plans. Instead I came up with the idea of doing them a prawn cocktail for starters and a cheeseboard for afters. That'll jazz up their Christmas dinner without being interfering. I hope!

Such a small thing from our side gave them so much. Who'd have thought it?

[Primrose]

Such a lovely thought and gesture.
People are usually so wrapped up in their own arrangement it,s easy to forget how much it means to housebound individuals to be remembered by somebody else.

[Shallot Man]

I can remember when this was a flourishing website. That is before the powers-to-be decide to update it. From then on it has died a slow death. Wishing you all a Merry Xmas. Shallotman.

[Westi]

Merry Christmas Shallot Man!

It is certainly not as it was Shallot Man, but I've been pleased to see some new folk asking questions on the forum & some old names popping up again. To be controversial the mag is not as inviting & needs a refresh moving back to the roots of growing not social issues & I thought with the other mag dropping to bi-monthly we might pick up some more forum members but it does not appear to have.

[Stravaig]

Well, that didn't go as planned.

Husband went to collect our plates and was told that it was embarrassing for them to receive such a gift from us. I ended up writing a letter saying how my parents have been dead for decades. I have no bothers or sisters, and no kids. I like to cook so it made me happy to find people who might appreciate what I made.

Now I just feel like a clumsy oaf.

[Primrose]

Sad that a very kind gesture was taken in that way. Perhaps they have some misconceived ideas about "accepting charity".

If it makes you feel any better..we had a local hard up elderly person near us who only had a fire grate as their only source of heating who would often be seen scavaging around local lanes for firewood. Our offer to buy coal was rudely rebuffed so we "mentally regrouped". When we later mentioned a tree surgeon had contacted us asking if we knew sources where he could unload an embarrassing surplus of logs he'd acquired for which he,d run out of space in his storage yard , we were able to get that person to accept a whole truck full.. The log delivery driver was briefed to express his gratitude for taking them off his hands.

Perhaps if you want to try again you could mention any pastries etc were surplus for a birthday surprise you,d made for somebody else?

Don't be put off. Perhaps these people have never received such a nice surprise gesture before and just didn,t know how to react.

[Stravaig]

I just feel kinda gobsmacked and hurt. But I know how I could get revenge. LOL. Their quite chunky son and their grandson who live in the house between us are obviously keen on eating but they don't cook so it's a Big Mac or similar every single night. There aren't many good eateries within walking distance. And they don't have a car.

I feel sure the son and grandson would be delighted to receive a curry or two from me (Indian and/or Thai) and the older ones can figure out how they missed out on something good. For heaven's sake, I like cooking and feeding people.

Another thing is that they're finding it difficult to get from A to B for various purposes - medical or shopping or whatever. (This is what they told my husband when he delivered their Christmas canapes that I had made.) Husband was going to offer to take them - we have a car. But if they're going to shun our willingness to help...

It just seems like they made a lose-lose situation.

I know, I shouldn't be hurt or angry. I really am trying to see it from their PoV but not managing.

We have a few local shop-keepers we like - mostly men or young lads with their own businesses or most likely a decent salary. They're not too proud to accept food. They seem to like it!

Oh, go on then. Please explain to me where I'm going wrong. Thank you.

PS: I'm not much of a baker or a pastry chef. I usually do savoury.

[Primrose]

Stravaig - it's easy to feel upset. You're not going wrong. I guess these people have just become so isolated over time that they've lost the ability to react graciously when somebody does them a kindness because it's something that just doesn't happen in their lives.

I suggest you don't give up. Start with the odd acts like asking if you can pick up a prescription as you've got to go to the chemists anyway.... or something like that, so they can get used to the idea of "being helped". It's difficult being disabled - they've probably mentally "armed" themselves against a hard world which doesn't care. I'm sure a few more offers of help, so that they can get used to the idea, will gradually break down barriers. They probably were just so taken aback by your unexpected kindness they didn't know how to deal with it.

[Westi]

I think I agree with Primrose in that they have been isolated alone for so long they have lost their social graces; or possibly are afraid in case there is a motive behind the gesture. Let's face it if they are locked in with just the TV for company they will be seeing all the doom & gloom about the elderly being target for scams & the like, so might be apprehensive.

Perhaps you could just knock if going shopping yourself & offer to pick up any little thing they might want, but just on & off initially so they can get used to the idea. Just leave it be for both them & their son & grandson to decide. They have been living this way for a long time & it does take folk a long time to change habits.

[Stravaig]

It's all worked out really well!

In response to my letter explaining how I like to cook - and have no family or friends here - they gave me a 'Thank You' card and the message that they'd be happy to eat my food any time. I didn't expect that!

I bought too many carrots. Yes, really - accidentally got another bag when there was already one in the fridge. No worries. I made soup, and gave it to the neighbours. The man next door brought our containers back and told my husband how much they'd all missed my wonderful cooking while we were overseas. So now everyone is happy. I like having people to cook for and they like getting food.

[Primrose]

Delighted that it,s all worked out so well. You,ve probably added a new perspective into your neighbours' lives as well as having a positive motive for cooking. A double win in my view.
And knowing your interest in cooking they,ll probably end up with a few more occasionally healthy options too.

[Westi]

That is brilliant news Stravaig, the letter was a nice gesture that clarified your intentions. x

[Stravaig]

I'm pretty much house-bound myself. Haven't been out since we moved house (yet again!) in October. Too many years in war zones resulted in my being a deaf old cripple.

I enjoy cooking and various arty things. I also like being friendly with people. I suppose I just expect people to smile and say thank you. I trained as a chef after I retired so the food is usually pretty good.

But I do see how people can be hurt because they think their neighbour is giving them charity.

Nowt as queer as folk. LOL

[retropants]

Nowt so funny as folk Stravaig! My 86yr old neighbour won't accept any help whatsoever, even when she's ill. I think my dh managed to take over mowing the lawn one day last summer, but that's about it. She is very determined. We've been neighbours for over 26 years, and she is very nice. I can't even get her a pint of milk, she won't hear of it!!

[oldherbaceous]

And that’s exactly what makes them very special people….