Hilarious. No pun intended.
Dear Agony Aunt,
I've been married to my husband since college, but he is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse is that everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job, fourteen years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his friends, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do.
Signed,
Clueless.
Dear Clueless,
For crying out loud, grow up and dump him. Good grief woman, think about it. You're running for President of the United States. You don't need him any more.
New joke thread to cheer you all up
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
Thanks everyone, been stuck in bed with a migrain all day, this is the first time I've been able to look at a computer screen all day, so I really needed chearing up. Having read all this thread, I'm a lot happier thank you for the laughter 
this truly is the best little corner of the interwebs
this truly is the best little corner of the interwebsOnce the game is over the king and the pawn go back in the same box. Anonymous
Exploring is like walking, where the walking decides where we're going. Bob the dinosaur from dinopaws
Exploring is like walking, where the walking decides where we're going. Bob the dinosaur from dinopaws
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Primrose
- KG Regular
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- Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2006 8:50 pm
- Location: Bucks.
- Has thanked: 41 times
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Brits abroad!
ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY A TRAVEL AGENT FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time-- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you
Responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY A TRAVEL AGENT FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time-- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you
Responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
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Primrose
- KG Regular
- Posts: 8063
- Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2006 8:50 pm
- Location: Bucks.
- Has thanked: 41 times
- Been thanked: 290 times
If you are not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's a famous erudite, comic scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things a bit differently than most of us do... Here are some of his gems:
1 - I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good…
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My Indian mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
1 - I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good…
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My Indian mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
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Primrose
- KG Regular
- Posts: 8063
- Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2006 8:50 pm
- Location: Bucks.
- Has thanked: 41 times
- Been thanked: 290 times
A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant:
"What is your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Businessman: "Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Businessman: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price"
"What is your name?"
Flight Attendant: "Angela Benz, sir"
Businessman: "Lovely name ... any relation to Mercedes Benz?"
Flight Attendant: "Yes sir, very close"
Businessman: "How close?"
Flight Attendant: "Same price"
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alan refail
- KG Regular
- Posts: 7252
- Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
- Been thanked: 5 times
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."
The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
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alan refail
- KG Regular
- Posts: 7252
- Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
- Been thanked: 5 times
Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The
doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did
you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?"
"274," was his reply.
The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is
three times three?"
"Tuesday," replies the second man.
The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's
three times three?"
"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did
you get that?"
"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
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JohnN
- KG Regular
- Posts: 636
- Joined: Thu Jul 27, 2006 5:45 pm
- Location: Hookwood, near Gatwick
- Been thanked: 2 times
Here's a little ode to cheer y'all up on this rainy day:
NORMAL FOR NORFOLK
There’s an Eskimo Town in Norfolk,
Nobody knows that it’s there,
It’s full of Eskimo immigrants,
All covered in Polar bear hair.
Nobody knows why they came there,
Nobody knows why they stayed,
Nobody knows how they’re breeding,
They think it’s too cold to get laid!
But still it’s quite normal for Norfolk,
It’d be quite unusual for Kent,
It’d never happen in Yorkshire,
Or anywhere north of the Trent.
There’s an Eskimo Town in Norfolk,
The igloos are starting to thaw,
The wallpaper comes off in handfuls,
They’re going to complain to the store!
Someone suggested they paint them,
Magnolia wasn’t quite right,
It just didn't conjure up “ice flows”,
They had to be painted bright white!
The local unfriendly alsatian,
Has learned to approach them with care,
They tried to breed him with a husky,
It gave the poor brute quite a scare!
But still, it’s quite normal for Norfolk,
The locals just don’t turn a hair,
‘Cos they’ve sent explorers to Suffolk,
And they’ve seen the folk who live there!
NORMAL FOR NORFOLK
There’s an Eskimo Town in Norfolk,
Nobody knows that it’s there,
It’s full of Eskimo immigrants,
All covered in Polar bear hair.
Nobody knows why they came there,
Nobody knows why they stayed,
Nobody knows how they’re breeding,
They think it’s too cold to get laid!
But still it’s quite normal for Norfolk,
It’d be quite unusual for Kent,
It’d never happen in Yorkshire,
Or anywhere north of the Trent.
There’s an Eskimo Town in Norfolk,
The igloos are starting to thaw,
The wallpaper comes off in handfuls,
They’re going to complain to the store!
Someone suggested they paint them,
Magnolia wasn’t quite right,
It just didn't conjure up “ice flows”,
They had to be painted bright white!
The local unfriendly alsatian,
Has learned to approach them with care,
They tried to breed him with a husky,
It gave the poor brute quite a scare!
But still, it’s quite normal for Norfolk,
The locals just don’t turn a hair,
‘Cos they’ve sent explorers to Suffolk,
And they’ve seen the folk who live there!
just how I feel today on forums
- ucp1o.jpg (38.81 KiB) Viewed 3624 times
Once the game is over the king and the pawn go back in the same box. Anonymous
Exploring is like walking, where the walking decides where we're going. Bob the dinosaur from dinopaws
Exploring is like walking, where the walking decides where we're going. Bob the dinosaur from dinopaws
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peter
- KG Regular
- Posts: 5845
- Joined: Fri Nov 25, 2005 1:54 pm
- Location: Near Stansted airport
- Has thanked: 18 times
- Been thanked: 36 times
- Contact:
Do not put off thanking people when they have helped you, as they may not be there to thank later.
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
I support http://www.hearingdogs.org.uk/
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Primrose
- KG Regular
- Posts: 8063
- Joined: Tue Aug 29, 2006 8:50 pm
- Location: Bucks.
- Has thanked: 41 times
- Been thanked: 290 times
Not really a joke as such, but if you have a few moments to spare while idling over a cup of coffee, do take yourself back to your childhood and try this. It's very clever:
http://www.drawastickman.com/index.htm
(Don't worry about your drawing abilities. It doesn't matter what he looks like !)
http://www.drawastickman.com/index.htm
(Don't worry about your drawing abilities. It doesn't matter what he looks like !)
i could spend all day drawing stickmen Once the game is over the king and the pawn go back in the same box. Anonymous
Exploring is like walking, where the walking decides where we're going. Bob the dinosaur from dinopaws
Exploring is like walking, where the walking decides where we're going. Bob the dinosaur from dinopaws