Kitchen Garden Forum

If this has been posted in the past, I'm sorry.
The really serious guitar collector was found beaten to death by his wife. When she was up at the Bailey and in the dock, the learned judge looked up from his briefing notes and asked "First offender? "No," she said "First a Gibson, then a Fender".

Comic Sans walked into a bar.

The barman said " Get out! We don't serve your type in here".

One of the newspaper headlines today was 'Pie45'.

True story.
When I was at grammar school the police asked to speak to all the classes who took Latin. A local shop had been broken into and a display of watches stolen and the thieves had written "tempus fugit" on the window.

That reminds me of when we occasionally went to Latin Mass from school and one part sounded just like 'Jesus had some jam for tea'.

Some of the artists of the 60’s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate the baby boomers.
They include:
1. Herman’s Hermits ... Mrs. Brown You’ve Got a Lovely Walker.
2. The Bee Gees ... How Can You Mend a Broken Hip?
3. Bobby Darin ... Splish splash, I Was Havin’ a flash.
4. Ringo Starr ... l Get By With a Little Help From Depends.
5. Roberta Flack ... The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
6. Johnny Nash ... I Can’t See Clearly Now.
7. Paul Simon ... Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver.
8. The Commodores ... Once. Twice. Three Times to the Bathroom.
9. Marvin Gaye ... I heard it Through the Grape Nuts.
l0. Procol Harem ... A Whiter shade of Hair.
11. Leo Sayer ... You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
12. The Temptations ... Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone.
13. Abba ... Denture Queen.
14. Tony Orlando ... Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall.
15. Helen Reddy ... I Am Woman. Hear Me Snore.
16. Willie Nelson ... On the Commode Again.
17. Leslie Gore ... lt’s My Procedure and I’ll Cry if I Want To.

Why we need hyphens:
Because working twenty four-hour shifts is not the same as working twenty-four hour shifts or working twenty-four-hour shifts.

AND...
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

I think you mean "Murican".

Or even "Speaking Bad English is apparently what kills you".

Oakridge wrote:AND...
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Brilliant.

I try to eat healthily and I go to the gym three times a week. My cousin, who can't see the sense in it, tells me that he asked his doctors opinion on people who do like myself.
The answer, "They will die healthy".

Found this and just had to share it--When I am 84!


https://www.facebook.com/durtey/videos/538932192920874/

GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

Snooky,
That was brilliant.
I laughted so much I could feel the tears running down my leg.