Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Primrose]

Subject: Fwd: Yorkshire Post Obituary

In Yorkshire Post following the death of his wife... the husband contacted the newspaper to place an obituary notice.

The couple had been happily married for 50 years. When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, "How Much?"

He reluctantly produced his wallet. "I want summat simple he explained,

"My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt 'ave wanted owt swanky'.

"Perhaps a small poem," suggested the woman at the desk.

'Nay,' he said, 'she wunt 'ave wanted anything la-di-da. Just put; 'Gladys Braithwaite's died".

"You need to say when,' he was told by the receptionist.

'Do I? Well, put died 17th March 2015. That'll do.'

'It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.'

The man considered for a moment. 'Well, put in, 'Sadly missed.'
That'll do,' he said.

'You can have another four words,' the woman explained.

'No, no!' he cried, 'she wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out.'

"The words are included in the price,' the woman informed him.

'Are they? You mean I've paid for 'em?

'Yes, indeed.'

'Well, if I've paid for 'em exclaimed the man, 'I'm 'avin'
'em.'

The obituary was duly printed:

GLADYS BRAITHWAITE.
DIED 17TH MARCH 2015.
SADLY MISSED.
ALSO TRACTOR FOR SALE.

[Westi]

Love it Primrose!

Westi

[PLUMPUDDING]

What part of Yorkshire do you come from Primrose?

[Pa Snip]

Sadly-Missed-Jpeg.jpg (142.34 KiB) Viewed 5127 times

[Primrose]

Lovely! That really made me laugh ! And tractors can't nag either !!

[Pa Snip]

Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all yagotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, or eggs ta get or feed to stack - nothin'!! But ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even some soap and a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city kids are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' -strewth... its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - but it's OK coz it's only one at a time like, it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 18 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders. As ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes pulled me off and carried me to the boozer. He didn't come with us though, said somethin about sore mouth...

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Sheila.

[Pa Snip]

A circus owner runs an advert for a ‘lion tamer wanted’ and
two people showed up......

One is a retired golfer in his late-sixties and the other is a
drop-dead, gorgeous brunette with a killer body in her
mid-twenties

The circus owner tells them, I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two
had better be good or you're history."

Here's your equipment -- a chair, a whip and a gun ......
Who wants to try out first?"

The gorgeous brunette says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps
right into the cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and
begins to charge her. As he gets close, the gorgeous
brunette throws open her coat revealing her beautiful, perfect
naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly
crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He
continues to lick and kiss every inch of her body for several
minutes, then lays down and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor! He says
"That's amazing! I've never seen anything like that in my life!"

He then turns to the retired golfer and asks,
"Can you top that?"


The old golfer replies,
"Possibly...
but you've got to get that lion out of there first."

[Primrose]

How men think . . . .


As she sat beside him in his hospital bed, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
'You know what?

You,ve been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....

[Pa Snip]

Many a true word .................................

[oldherbaceous]

I like that one, Primrose.....

[Pawty]

The council received reports that hundreds of crows had been found dead along a road and were asked to investigate. The vets concluded that, because of various types of paint being found on their beaks the deaths were caused by them hitting objects. Further analysis found that 90% of of the birds had a paint on them unique to motor bikes.

Aparently when feeding, crows always have a look out. Unfortunately they are only able to shout 'car car car'........

[Pa Snip]

well it made me Pawty

[dan3008]

All real signs from my local area

Phoebe the psychic show cancelled due to unforseen circumstances

Psychic support hotline, you know our number

Lonely and single this valentines day? Come with us and be lonely single and broke

All those here for the paranoia support group, we know you're here, take a seat and somone will be with you shortly
... I am actually ashamed to have work not only at the hospital that last one was put up in, but in the very office it was printed ...

[Westi]

Funny Dan Numbers!

Love the fact they are real, particularly the paranoia support group - bet those individuals were suitably reassured by that!

Westi

[Oakridge]

GETTING OLDER

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked

'NO REPEATS'..."

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

(I LOVE IT!)

Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)

Some people try to turn back their odometers.

Not me!

I want people to know why

I look this way.

I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces.

Then you forget to pull up your zipper ... it's worse when you forget to pull it down.

''''''''''''''''

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy,

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too...

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her ... what does she look like?"

The young guy says,

"Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom ... wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'

To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter,

let's look for yours."

"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you ... stick around awhile ... it will!