Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Westi]

PUNOGRAPHY

· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

· When chemists die, they barium.

· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

· A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.

· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

· This dyslexic man walks into a bra .

· PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

· I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

· Broken pencils are pointless.

· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

· Velcro - what a rip off!


· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

[Bren]

This is a repeat, old forum members might remember it.

Three sisters aged 91,93,and 95 lived together in Norfolk. One night the 95- year- old ran herself a bath she put one foot in paused and yelled: now wuz I getting in the tub or getting out? the 93- year- old called dunno I'll come an' see, she started up the stairs then stopped: wuz I going up or comin down? the 91-year -old sat at the kitchen table sipping tea and listened to her sisters she shook her head and sighed I dew hope I never git that fergitful and then knocked on wood for good measure, then she yelled I'll come up an' help both of yer as soon as I see who's at the door.

I'm getting like them 3 sisters now.

[oldherbaceous]

Dear Bren if that's the case, i must be the Sister's, elder Brother!!!

[WestHamRon]

http://i.imgur.com/PqP5Pd7.jpg

[Gerry]

My Old Folks used to celebrate Halloween by taking the batteries out of the doorbell.

I LOVE THE OLD TRADITIONS.

[Primrose]

Love Story

I will seek and find you
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

[Shallot Man]

Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything
inside them is colour coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the 'backside' - and they are interchangeable'

[The Mouse]

Shallot Man

As someone who has become totally disillusioned with politicians of all shades, that one tickled me!

[Shallot Man]

The teacher asked Mr Milliband if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Milliband. 'That would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Milliband, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Milliband searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:
'If a plane carrying you and Mr Balls and Mrs Harmen and all the other LAB members was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Milliband, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*cking accident either!'

[alan refail]

“If you are a Ukip supporter we politely ask, for the comfort of other customers, that you eat in the corner, or in the toilet, or under a large tablecloth that we drape over you. We’re sure you understand that, when people are eating, they don’t want to have to look at a complete and utter tit. Thank you.”

http://www.exeterexpressandecho.co.uk/8 ... story.html

[Shallot Man]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

... "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved,
indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.

St Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

[WestHamRon]

The maid asked for a raise, and the wife was upset.
She asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

[Westi]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Shallot Man]

Subject: Fwd: Irish Speech therapy


Q

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.

Finally, totally exasperated, she said:

"If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up: "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out: "G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

“That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?”

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out: " London ".

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.


After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said:
...
...
...
...

...
...
...
...
...
...

..."d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

[Shallot Man]

This is in German but totally understandable in any language….
A daughter is visiting her father and is helping in the kitchen when she asks, "Tell me, Dad, how are you managing with the new Ipad we gave you for your birthday?"

The clip is 32 seconds long ….


http://www.snotr.com/embed/8965