Please can we have some more 'funnies'?
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JohnN
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Went into my local for a pint and was greeted in the snug bar by a crowd of elderly ladies preparing for a skittles match - and Mine Host gloomily surveying a till almost empty of small change. “They’ve all bought their drinks separately – and each paid with a £10 note” he sighed, “I think I’ll call them the Tenaladies”.
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Westi
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Pensioner's reply re Tesco
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from TESCO’.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO’ store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn'’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from TESCO’.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Westi
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Stephen
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An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 am and asked where he was going at that time of night.
He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
He replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
The train was quite crowed and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked "Ma'am may I have that seat"?
The French woman just sniffed and said, to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".
The Marine walked the whole length of the train again, but the only seat was under that dog.
"Please ma'am, may I sit down. I'm very tired".
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant".
This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the window and sat down.
The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour, This American should be put in his place".
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive on the wrong side of the road.
And now,Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
The war-weary Marine asked "Ma'am may I have that seat"?
The French woman just sniffed and said, to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".
The Marine walked the whole length of the train again, but the only seat was under that dog.
"Please ma'am, may I sit down. I'm very tired".
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant".
This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the window and sat down.
The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour, This American should be put in his place".
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You hold the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive on the wrong side of the road.
And now,Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.
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Westi
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Thousands are gathering around Nelson Mandela house - Del Boy & Rodney have told them to shove off! 
Westi
Westi
Westi
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JohnN
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A farmer goes out to his field one frosty morning to find all of his
cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless
like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never
thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the
situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how
would he make ends meet? He sat with his head in his hands, trying
to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
“That was Thora Hird”
cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless
like statues. It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never
thought anything like this would happen. The realisation of the
situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how
would he make ends meet? He sat with his head in his hands, trying
to come to terms with his impending poverty.
Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the
old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the
cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon
back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was
full of healthy animals.
The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a
repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"
“That was Thora Hird”
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Westi
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A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!" Reaching into his rear back pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I want... On any land! No questions asked, no answers given! Do you understand old man?!" The rancher kindly nodded, apologized, and went about his chores. Moments later the rancher heard loud screams, he looked up and saw the DEA agent running for his life, being chased by the ranchers big Santa Gertrudis Bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it was likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old rancher threw down his tools, ran as fast as he could to the fence, and yelled at the top of his lungs...... "YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!"
Westi
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WestHamRon
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- Location: Grays, Essex
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE
....It takes less than 15 seconds....
If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.
See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _ NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P _ N _ S
4. PU _ S _
5. S _ X
6. BOO _ S
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn’t you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You are a Pervert.
....It takes less than 15 seconds....
If you are over 45 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test.
See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _ NDOM
2. F_ _K
3. P _ N _ S
4. PU _ S _
5. S _ X
6. BOO _ S
Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS
You got all 6 wrong....didn’t you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer's.
You are a Pervert.
My Sat Nav
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off.
The Winalot diet at the top of the page reminds me of a true story. We had a colleague who was a bit on the plump side. One day, the rest of us were going out a lunch time, but he said he was staying in - he was on the Pot Noodles diet. We were duly amazed and asked him to explain. "Well," he said, "I've got some Pot Noodles in my desk drawer. When it gets to lunch time, I take them out, look at them, and say 'No, I can't face those', put them back and shut the drawer..."
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Primrose
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How posh are you? Just for a bit of fun, try this :
http://poshtest.com/test/index.php
Thankfully it didn’t ask the question “When you don’t have visitors, do you plonk the kitchen roll on the table instead of napkins “ ???
http://poshtest.com/test/index.php
Thankfully it didn’t ask the question “When you don’t have visitors, do you plonk the kitchen roll on the table instead of napkins “ ???
I made 33% not quite sure what that makes me. Common I expect!!
Beryl.
Beryl.
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Westi
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27% Posh! Mind that could be above the average for where I come from! (By that I mean bush town not continent).
Westi
(By that I mean bush town not continent).Westi
Westi