After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot. She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles!
Please can we have some more 'funnies'?
Moderators: KG Steve, Chantal, Tigger, peter, Chief Spud
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Shallot Man
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Westi
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Primrose - LIKE!
Westi
Westi
Westi
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Primrose
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"Tact"
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress, thinking this was a bit risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in through the door."
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress, thinking this was a bit risqué behaviour that might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in through the door."
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Primrose
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A single guy decided life might be more fun if he had a pet so he went to the pet store and told the owner he wanted an unusual pet.
After some discussion he bought a talking centipede (100 legged bug) which came in a little box to use as his house. He took the box home and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede “Would youlike to go to church with me today?. We will have a pleasant time”.
There was no answer. This bothered him but he waited a few minutes then asked again “How about going to church with me? You could receive a special blessing”
Again there was no answer from his new pet. He waited a few more minutes and decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted
“Hi you in there! Would you like to go to church with me?”
This time a little voice came out of the box:
“I heard you the first time! I’m just putting my shoes on !”
After some discussion he bought a talking centipede (100 legged bug) which came in a little box to use as his house. He took the box home and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede “Would youlike to go to church with me today?. We will have a pleasant time”.
There was no answer. This bothered him but he waited a few minutes then asked again “How about going to church with me? You could receive a special blessing”
Again there was no answer from his new pet. He waited a few more minutes and decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted
“Hi you in there! Would you like to go to church with me?”
This time a little voice came out of the box:
“I heard you the first time! I’m just putting my shoes on !”
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Westi
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A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk. The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a police officer. He took her to the police station where she placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, the policeman opened the cell door and said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a police officer. He took her to the police station where she placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, the policeman opened the cell door and said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
Westi
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Shallot Man
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As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part
Of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had
The land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them
We had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
Population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
Landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay'em right and you can walk all over them
For thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
Strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
Out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car
Or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
Kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here
For, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture
Naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
Impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
Wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the
Airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
*****
Of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had
The land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them
We had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the
Population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon
Landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay'em right and you can walk all over them
For thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the
Strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take
Out the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car
Or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at
Kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but
I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here
For, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture
Naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the
Impersonators would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man
Wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the
Airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
*****
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Shallot Man
- KG Regular
- Posts: 2668
- Joined: Thu Feb 09, 2006 9:51 am
- Location: Basildon. Essex
- Has thanked: 1 time
- Been thanked: 41 times
> BREAKING NEWS: South Wales Police have asked for witness’s to come
> forward regarding a brutal crime against 15 English men on a recent
> visit to Cardiff who were robbed of a Grand Slam they had come to
> collect and also had their chariot badly vandalised during the visit to
> the Welsh capital?
>
> ... Apparently this heinous crime was carried out by a gang of 15 Welsh
> guys dressed in bright red shirts in broad daylight in front of 75,439
> people who gathered around the gang attack and just stood there
> cheering, clapping and singing hymns and arias as if they were
> encouraging the gang.
>
> A police spokesmen for the South Wales force said this “This sort of
> attack is just sickening……..One of the victims was a young lad called
> Owen Farrell who was on his first trip to Wales and has been
> traumatised by the whole shocking experience and to make matters even
> worse his father was forced to watch the entire crime from start to
> finish and could not lift a finger to protect his son from the
> sickening and relentless battering meted out by the conspicuously
> dressed red shirted gang”.
>
> The police spokesman continued, “We are following a number of leads and
> believe this crimson shirted gang may be linked to a similar attack in
> Twickenham a year ago”.
> forward regarding a brutal crime against 15 English men on a recent
> visit to Cardiff who were robbed of a Grand Slam they had come to
> collect and also had their chariot badly vandalised during the visit to
> the Welsh capital?
>
> ... Apparently this heinous crime was carried out by a gang of 15 Welsh
> guys dressed in bright red shirts in broad daylight in front of 75,439
> people who gathered around the gang attack and just stood there
> cheering, clapping and singing hymns and arias as if they were
> encouraging the gang.
>
> A police spokesmen for the South Wales force said this “This sort of
> attack is just sickening……..One of the victims was a young lad called
> Owen Farrell who was on his first trip to Wales and has been
> traumatised by the whole shocking experience and to make matters even
> worse his father was forced to watch the entire crime from start to
> finish and could not lift a finger to protect his son from the
> sickening and relentless battering meted out by the conspicuously
> dressed red shirted gang”.
>
> The police spokesman continued, “We are following a number of leads and
> believe this crimson shirted gang may be linked to a similar attack in
> Twickenham a year ago”.
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alan refail
- KG Regular
- Posts: 7254
- Joined: Sun Nov 27, 2005 7:00 am
- Location: Chwilog Gogledd Orllewin Cymru Northwest Wales
- Been thanked: 7 times
The England team's training session was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Twickenham.
One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.
Coach Stuart Lancaster immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.
One of the players, while on his way back to the dressing room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance at the end of the field.
Coach Stuart Lancaster immediately suspended practice while the Police were called in to investigate.
After a complete field analysis, the Police determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the try line. Practice was resumed when the officials decided that it was unlikely that the team would encounter the substance again.
Cred air o bob deg a glywi, a thi a gei rywfaint bach o wir (hen ddihareb Gymraeg)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
Believe one tenth of what you hear, and you will get some little truth (old Welsh proverb)
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Shallot Man
- KG Regular
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alan refail. Liked it. I shall remind you of this when [!] England come back with a vengeance. [I hope ] 
Shallot Man:
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car
Or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
In a strange way, that reminds me of my wedding day, thirty-odd years ago.
My new husband did open the car door for me that day when it was time for the short drive to the evening reception - then he got in the front passanger seat next to the driver, leaving me on my own in the back!
Just the first of many things that I like to remind him of now and then.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car
Or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
In a strange way, that reminds me of my wedding day, thirty-odd years ago.
My new husband did open the car door for me that day when it was time for the short drive to the evening reception - then he got in the front passanger seat next to the driver, leaving me on my own in the back!
Just the first of many things that I like to remind him of now and then.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
Mark Twain
Mark Twain
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oldherbaceous
- KG Regular
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Dear Bert, while we are talking about car doors..
When i first started dating cook, i broke my wrist very badly. Anyway, i had to go back to the hospital and have it reset, so on the drive home from the hospital i sat in the back of the car, as i felt a little wousey. When we got back home, we both opened the front and back car doors at the same time, i then put my good hand on the center pillar, only to have cook slam her door shut squashing all my fingers on my good hand.
It wasn't funny at the time.
When i first started dating cook, i broke my wrist very badly. Anyway, i had to go back to the hospital and have it reset, so on the drive home from the hospital i sat in the back of the car, as i felt a little wousey. When we got back home, we both opened the front and back car doors at the same time, i then put my good hand on the center pillar, only to have cook slam her door shut squashing all my fingers on my good hand.
It wasn't funny at the time.
Kind Regards, Old Herbaceous.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no fool like an old fool.