Yet more funnies

[Shallot Man]

The Banking Crisis simply explained...

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'

Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'





A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'


Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won.
So I gave him his two pounds back.'

Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

[Geoff]

Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swigged from
a bottle of Tippex.
I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

[Shallot Man]

A Kiss?

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump
off a bridge so they stopped.



The leader, a big burly guy, gets off his bike and says, "Hey, honey, what are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he also didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, passionate, deep-tongued, lingering, thrilling kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are going to waste. You could be famous.. Why are you committing
suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[Shallot Man]

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that "When you discover that you
are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount."


However, in government more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse's performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course...

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.

[Westi]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doc.

'Not a chance', she said... 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'No problem,' replied the doc. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'...

'What is Irish Viagra?', she asked.

'It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went' the doc explained.

It was a week later when she called the doc, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doc.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a smile on his face,
a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arms, he sent me cups and saucers flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doc, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

Jaysus, it was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.

[Arnie]

Westi

Regards


Arnie

[Shallot Man]

"Irish Petrol Station"

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for anotherá
Fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

[JohnN]

This plump girl pop singer came into the pub the other day, carrying a laptop.
Was it Adele?
No, A Mac I think.

[Stephen]

A government warning said that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take:

Shovel, Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
24 hours supply of food and drink
De-Icer
5Kgs of Rock Salt
Torch or lantern with spare batteries

Plus

Road Flares and Reflective Triangles
Tow rope
5 gallon petrol Jerrycan
First Aid Kit
Jump Leads




I looked a complete prat on the bus this morning !

[Shallot Man]

Stephen.