Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[Geoff]

Glad to be of service - it got to me when I received it so I thought it was worth sharing.
Must find a way of drawing the one I have had in my mind for a long while. It features a pair of boots labelled his and hers and a pile of pound coins. Himself is shovelling the coins into the boots whilst the wife watches on. The simple caption is "New Labour".

[Shallot Man]

Geoff. How appropriate.

[alan refail]

olymp.png (361.94 KiB) Viewed 4727 times

[Shallot Man]

A friend told a blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------

A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the blond man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."
------------------------------------

A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me".
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
----------------------------------

A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.


------------------------------------
A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A blond man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.
His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blond replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".
------------------------------------
(This one actually makes sense...lol)

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

[alan refail]

These would be Essex blond men then?

[Shallot Man]

alan refail. of course.

[Geoff]

Duchess topless - Kitchen Garden exclusive - hope they don't get prosecuted.

duchess.jpg (123.24 KiB) Viewed 4671 times

Let's see how many views it gets!

[Shallot Man]

Why Men who aren't Sailors or Gypsies began to wear Earrings.....



Did you ever wonder why earrings are becoming popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that a colleague is wearing an earring.

The man knows his colleague to normally be a conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in the car."

[Shallot Man]

Duz tha speak Yorkshire ?


A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
.........................................................................


A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to
have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No, I want it chewin' a bone, yer daft bugger!"
.........................................................................


A Yorkshireman's wife dies

and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words
"She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stonemason, who assures him that the headstone will be
ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stonemason calls the widower to say that the
headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that
it's been engraved:
"She were thin."
He explodes, " 'ells bells, man, you've left the bloody 'e' out,

you've left the bloody 'e' out!"
The stonemason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that
it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day the widower returns to the stonemason, "There you go, sir,
I've put the 'e' on the stone for you."
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:

"E, she were thin"
.........................................................................


Bloke from Barnsley, with piles, asks chemist,

"Nah then, lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies, "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

.........................................................................


Police have just released details of a new drug craze prevalent in
Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire clubgoers have started injecting Ecstasy just
above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "E by gum".

[Geoff]

Similar to one we've had before but never mind.

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have
a strong mind and better than that: Alzheimer's is a long, long,
way down the road before it ever gets anywhere near you.

To my " selected " strange-minded friends:

7H15 M3554G3

53RV35 7O PR0V3

H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N

D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!

1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!

1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG

17 WA5 H4RD BU7

N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3

Y0UR M1ND 1S

R34D1NG 17

4U70M471C4LLY

W17H 0U7 3V3N

7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,

B3 PROUD! 0NLY

C3R741N P30PL3 C4N

R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F

U C4N R34D 7H15.


If you can r ea d this, you have a s trange mnid, too.
O nl y 55 pe o p l e out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a
word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still
raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and
I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad
it

[peter]

A little boy asks his dad "Where does poo come from dad?"

His dad explains "Well son, food passes down the Oesophagus by peristalsis. It enters into the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This extracts the protein before waste product enter the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it then enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo".

"Blimey" says the little lad. "so where does Tigger come from then?".

[Shallot Man]

Subject: COWBOY TOMBSTONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
MY FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW -- FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could
end up dead like me.

[peter]

How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?








Caerphilly!

[Shallot Man]

The Dead Cow Lecture

This is the best example for paying attention that I have ever heard..

First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet..

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it..

When everyone finished, the Professor looked a them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

[Shallot Man]

ONE CAN ONLY WISH OLD AGE WAS THIS FUNNY!!



Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it..'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'



An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly..'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know.... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'




Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'



One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'