Kitchen Garden Forum

SOME SILLY NOTICES FROM AROUND THE WORLD


A bar in Norway :- “Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar”

Doctor`s, Rome :- “Specialist in women and other diseases”

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :- “Drop your trousers here for the best result”

Restaurant, Nairobi :- “Customers who find the waiters rude ought to
see the manager”

Road sign, Mombasa :- “When this sign is under water the road is impassable”

Hotel, Tokyo :- “Guests are requested not to smoke or do other
disgusting behaviours in bed”

Swiss restaurant :- “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for”

Hotel, Yugoslavia :- “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is
the job of the chambermaid”

Hotel, Japan :- “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid”

Donkey Ride, Thailand :- “Would you like to ride on your own ass?”

Airline office, Copenhagen :- “We take your bags and send them in all
directions”

Laundry, Rome :- “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time”

Cemetery :- “Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but
their own graves”

Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And who doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

Light travels faster than sound.
That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak!


I was wondering why the frisbee seemed to be getting bigger ... and then it hit me!

What does Santa do in the summer ?















A: Hoe Hoe Hoe .....

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

And last, but not least: 12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.


Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:

I think this is a new contribution but (shamefully) I have not read all 28 pages of the thread.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won, they would have to leave or convert. The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

Next ... the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moshe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten ... that Rabbi Moshe was too clever and that the Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten at my every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile ... the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked.

"I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger! Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him we're staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows? " said Moshe, "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."

Just heard a story about someone that dug up daffodil bulbs thinking they were onions. Used them in a casserole and ended up being so ill he's been admitted to hospital. Apparently the Drs have said that they dont expect him out until next spring

An Arab entered a taxi.

Once he was seated he asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which was music of the infidel.
So the cab driver politely switched off the radio, stoped the cab and opened the back door.
The Arab asked him: “What are you doing man?”
The cabby answered: “In the time of the prophet, Abdul, there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a camel.”

Irish Sawmill Accident

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw. Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick. The nurse says, "Oh he's out in Rehab exercising".

Paddy couldn't believe it, but there's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to Hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse replies, "He's out in the Rehab again exercising".

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is. The nurse breaks down and cries and says, "He's dead."

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised.

"I suppose the saw finally did him in."

"No", says the nurse, "Some dopey ba*s*ard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated".

>> Sex after Death . . .
>>
>> A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the
other if there is sex after death.
>>
>> Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life
together, the husband was the first to die.
>> True to his word, he made the first contact: "Marion ... Marion "
>>
>> "Is that you, Bob?"
>>
>> "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?"
>>
>> "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's
off to the golf course.I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex
a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens).
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the
afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex
until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it
starts all over again"
>>
>> "Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
>>
>> "No...........I'm a rabbit in Norfolk

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."



"Gentlemen, remember - you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.
In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"


This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

A family of mice is being chased by a cat: mummy mouse in front, followed by baby mice and daddy mouse making up the rear. Suddenly Daddy mouse turns, confronts the cat and barks furiously. Cat stops in her tracks, then turns and runs away like billy-ho. Daddy Mouse addresses his children, "You see, children, it always pays to learn a foreign language".

A police motorcycle officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bar steward, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying a dickybird.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an arsehole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he has a heap of demerits and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.”

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for arsehole?"

“Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.”



~~~~ How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client~~~~

Subject: Naval problem


The Navy chief notices a new seaman and barks at him, ''Get over here! What's your name sailor?''
''John,'' the new seaman replies. The chief scowls: ''Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don't call anyone by his first name.
''It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.' Do I make myself clear?''
''Aye aye, Chief!''
''Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?'' The seaman sighs. ''Darling, my name is John Darling, Chief.'' ''OK, John, here's what I want you to do …''

OOOOld one, but then I am...

Sign in a grocer's shop..

Will customers please not lean against the bacon slicer as we are getting a little behind with our orders....