Yet more funnies

[alan refail]

[Shallot Man]

"I was in a pub in the East End a while back when I heard the most wonderful piano playing. I turned round and there at the piano was a cat. A cat playing the piano. He did knock out a very amusing little tune and I said to the land-lord 'What a wonderful cat!' I said, 'And this lovely tune that it's playing - what is it?' And the land-lord said, 'I don't know. He writes all his own music.' I said 'No! You're pulling my paw!?' He said 'No, honest - he writes every note.' I said, 'But that's the most beautiful tune. It's lovely tune. Why don't you get it orchestrated?' Do you know, that cat was out of the room before you could say..."



"This chap Dave met his friend Pete who was looking rather glum. 'What's wrong?' Asked Dave. 'My wife has left me,' says Pete, 'and I'm rather lonely'. Dave says 'I'm sorry to hear that Pete. You miss her then?' 'Yes.' Says Pete 'It's the conversation in the evening I miss most. Someone to talk with.' Dave has a think and says 'I know. Why don't you get a budgie. You can teach it to talk. It'd cheer you up in the evenings.'

So, Pete buys the budgie and a few days later he sees Dave who says 'Did you get the budgie?' Pete says 'Yes.' 'Is it talking yet?' Says Dave. 'No.' Says Pete. 'Tell you what' Says Dave, 'Get him a little mirror. He'll perk up and soon be chatting away.' So Pete buys the budgie a mirror and a few days later, he sees Dave again who says, 'Is your budgie talking yet Pete?' 'No.' Says Pete. 'Well' Says Dave, 'Tell you what. Buy him a little bell he can ring. It'll perk him up and he'll be chatting in no time.' So Pete buys the budgie a bell and when he sees Dave a few days later, he says, 'Budgie's still not talking Dave.' Dave thinks and says, 'Maybe he needs some exercise. Get him a ladder. It'll soon perk him up and he'll be talking away.'

Anyway, a week goes by and Dave sees Pete and says 'So. Anything from the budgie?' And Pete says 'No. He's died.' 'What?' Says Dave. 'Yes' Says Pete, 'But he did say one thing before he died.' 'What was that?' Said Dave. 'He said...food...'

[Shallot Man]

OK Folks ...... HOW is this possible? Irish magician Dave Cremin in a short video clip here is seen performing
the greatest card trick you'll ever witness -- right in the streets in
the heart of Times Square.

**
CLICK ON THIS LINK


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uh0CMcLi ... ture=share

[Westi]

Now that is some card trick! COOL

[Westi]

A Polish chap was the best woodsman in his village and had the record for the number of trees he could fell. Lumberjacks in Canada heard of his feats and head hunted him to join them. He jumps at the chance to make some money and goes to Canada.

He gets to Canada and they give him his patch and his chainsaw and off he goes. Days pass and he becomes disgruntled as he can only do a few trees a day and can't match the Canadians. Fearing he was going to leave them one of the Canadians offers to take him out to his patch and give him some tips learnt over the years.

He follows the Canadian into the forest and watches intently. The Canadian starts his chainsaw ready to go. The Polish chap grabs his arm and says - What the hell is that noise!

Westi
(Not only can I not tell them I have trouble writing them - made me laugh on a H & S Day!)

[alan refail]

A carrot and a tomato were walking across the street when the carrot was hit by a car. The tomato called 999. An ambulance came and took the carrot to the hospital. The tomato went to the hospital to wait for his friend, and when he got there the carrot was still in the emergency room, so the tomato paced nervously. Finally, the doctor called out, "Mr. Tomato?" The tomato went over, and asked the doctor, "How is he?" The doctor replied, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that he is still alive. The bad news is that he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."




A rabbit came into a shop and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller answered, "No!"

The next day the rabbit came again and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller replied "No!"

Next day the rabbit came and asked, "Got any carrots?" The seller shouted, "No! And if you come again and ask for carrots, I'll take nails and hammer you on the wall by your ears!"

Early next morning the rabbit came back and asked, " Got any nails?" The seller answered, "No!" The rabbit asked, "Got any carrots?"




A man walks into a doctor's surgery. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a turnip in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[JohnN]

Paddy Murphy went to the hospital as his wife was
having a baby.
Upon arriving, the Nurse says 'Congratulations,
your wife has had quins - 5 big baby boys.'
Paddy says, 'I'm not surprised, I have a willie on
me like a chimney.'
The nurse replies, 'You'd need to get it cleaned - the babies are all black.'

[Jude]

Warning Xmas drink driving

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few Xmas drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret.

Knowing full well that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise to me since I'd never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one from.

[Shallot Man]

BAD PARROT

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did

to upset you?"

[Shallot Man]

First Christmas Joke


Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells..'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[peter]

Jokes need to be suitable for mixed company and not contain words that could cause offence.

Imagine you are the compere for the primary school summer fete and Father Murphy, Mr Brown the vicar, Mr Islam the Iman, Ms McHenry the local Inspector of police with her partner Ms Jones, together with a racially diverse selection of parents and infants are attending, as well as Mr Smith who just happens to work as a no-win no-fee lawyer.

Because that is a possible audience on this forum.

[The Mouse]

1. The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself "She's going through the change."


2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist prats . I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the thing!

(Yes, I'm a woman but I still find this amusing!!!)

3. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

4. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

5. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

6. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

7. A foreign guy has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

[alan refail]

So there's this Norwegian monk who grows carrots. He is world renowned for his carrots. They are known to be the juiciest, most delicious carrots on the face of the earth. He spends a large amount of his time in his garden, caring for his carrots. Well one day, while he is in said garden caring for his carrots, a thief jumps over the fence and steals 2 carrots. He looks up and makes eye contact with the monk, almost as if to say "Hey... I've got your carrots". He then quickly turns and starts to run towards the fence, which is now a considerable distance away as the garden doesn't start until a few hundred feet away from the fence. While the monk is a man of peace, he is not going to let some thief just waltz in and start stealing his carrots. These are, after all, the best carrots in the world. So the monk starts to give chase, but only 200 feet into the chase the monk is out of breath. The monk cannot run.

So the monk starts getting in shape, practicing his 400 metre dash. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week. And he becomes so good, that he becomes the MONK CHAMPION that year in sprinting!!

The next day, he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, and the thief jumps over the same spot in the fence, runs to the same patch of carrots, and again takes 2 carrots. Only 2. "This must be the same thief" thinks the monk (as all the mannerisms are exact matches). "He's not getting my carrots this time" - the monk well knowing he is the monk champion in sprinting. So the thief turns to make a break for the fence, but the monk gives steady chase. He is not far behind when the thief gets to the fence, and simply leaps over. The monk is stuck. He can't jump.

So the monk starts practicing hurdles.. hour after hour, day after day, weak after week. He becomes so good at hurdling that he becomes the MONK CAMPION that year in hurdles!!

The next day he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when of course, the same thief jumps over the fence, and takes TWO CARROTS. He again looks the monk in the eyes, almost as to say "I will steal your carrots forever, monk". So the monk gives chase. He is gaining pretty well on the thief.. I mean.. he was monk champion earlier that year in sprinting. As they get to the fence the thief jumps over, and looks behind him with a smirk. But to his surprise, the monk hurdles over the fence with the greatest of ease. The monk is really gaining on the thief now. They run through the forest, the monk so ready to finally catch his thief, and put his questions to bed. Now just 20 or 30 feet behind the monk, they come to the lake behind the monk's house. Monk can't swim.

So the monk starts taking swimming lessons, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and he actually becomes the MONK CHAMPION that year in Monk swimming.

So the next day he is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when the SAME THIEF jumps over the fence and takes TWO CARROTS. They exchange eye contact and the chase begins. They run, they jump, they run, and then come to the lake. The thief jumps in and starts swimming away, but this time... well THIS TIME the monk is RIGHT BEHIND the thief. They make their way out of the lake, the monk now just steps behind the thief as they come to the mountain. MONK CAN'T MOUNTAIN CLIMB.

So the monk starts practicing mountain climbing. Hour after hour, day after day, week after week, and you know what? He becomes MONK CHAMPION that year in mountain climbing!!!

So the next day the monk is in his garden, caring for his carrots, when as expected, the same thief jumps over the fence, steals two carrots. Always two. It is clear now to the monk that, the thief could hold more carrots, and he's obviously physically fit.. why not take more? Two carrots alone cannot feed a family, or generate significant profit. It is this question most which bothers the monk. Why always two?

Eager to have his question answered the chase ensues, and they run, and they jump, and they swim, and they run some more to the base of the mountain, the monk now just steps behind the thief. As the thief makes his way up the mountain, he smugly looks behind him with a smile, only to realize the monk is now an arm's reach behind him! As they reach the summit, the monk FINALLY GRABS THE THIEF. Ready for some answers he flips the thief around. And as he does the thief judo chops the monk. MONK DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT!

So the monk starts practicing karate, hour after hour, day after day, week after week. And guess what. He becomes MONK CHAMPION that year in karate?!?! Simply amazing, all that this monk has accomplished.

So the next day, the monk is in his garden, caring for his carrots, and the same thief jumps over the fence, as always, takes two carrots, as always, and begins to break for the fence. The chase is on, and the monk is ready for answers. They run, they jump, they swim, they run some more, they mountain climb, and at the summit, the monk again GRABS the thief and flips him around! The thief, in a display of desperation, DOUBLE JUDO CHOPS the monk, but the monk, crafty now in karate, blocks both chops and swiftly leg sweeps the thief to the ground.

It is done. The thief is on the ground, the monk standing over him breathing heavy, comes down to one knee, and grabs the thief by the shirt, and pulls his back off the mountain so that their eyebrow lines meet, in a stare which can be compared to that of koala bear (relentless). The monk says to the thief "I don't care who you are... I don't care where you are from" ....... "just tell me why. Why always two carrots!? What are you doing, that you always need... TWO... CARROTS?!?".

The thief now realizing his days of carrot thievery are over, complies with the monk's wishes. He says to the monk "OK. I will tell you. But. This is so embarrassing. My actions with these carrots so unthinkable. The deeds so unimaginable... you have to promise never to tell anyone!"

And the monk never did.

[Shallot Man]

The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary help and assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier." Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man named Larry at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes," said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

..... This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

[alan refail]