Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[alan refail]

God had just finished making Adam.

God said to him

"Adam, I want you to pick out a partner from any of the animals in the garden."

So Adam looked around trying to find a mate. After a few minutes Adam said to God

"God, none of these animals will do."

So God made a woman for Adam.

Adam looked at the woman and said to God

"God, why did you make her so beautiful?"

and God replied

"So you will like her Adam."

Adam said,

"But God, she is just SO beautiful why is she so beautiful?"

"So you will like her" God replied.

Then Adam asked,

"But God, why did you make her so stupid?"

God replied "So she will like you."

[Shallot Man]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night,
when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the
bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there
could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue
reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is
going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take
the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be
the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble
coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car
keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I
would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn
thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


HOWEVER...., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because Obama's health care won't pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.



God, I just love happy endings!

[Shallot Man]

HELP

[alan refail]

HELP

Go back to your post, click "EDIT" and delete the repetitions.

[peter]

HELP

Go back to your post, click "EDIT" and delete the repetitions.

Don't bother, I've done it.

[Shallot Man]

Peter. Many thanks. shallot man [77 yr old computer moron ]

[Shallot Man]

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" From the female side....

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note… these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem ONLY if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,

we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is a vegetable. We have NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF IT ITCHES, IT WILL be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as

Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

[Geoff]

OLDER GUYS!!!

I was in Asda the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a
young guy...

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Older guys are helpful like that.

[oldherbaceous]

[Shallot Man]

Subject: Senior moment - A 98 year old woman in the UK wrote this to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the Times.
Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, but when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required.
A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)

[Shallot Man]

It's your 77 yr old computer moron here. Have just had a funny film attachment sent to me, how do I forward it to the forum, VERY VERY simply please. shallot man.

[Stephen]

Geoff: Your ASDA tale reminds me:

If I get separated from the girlfriend when shopping, I don't wonder where she is. I look around and say a friendly "Hello" to the very best looking woman in sight and the gf arrives at my side almost instantly.




Meanwhile, despite panto season nearly being over...
What is the difference between Cinderella and an Australian Tast cricketer?

















Xinderella knew when to leave the ball!

[Shallot Man]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.

Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said, 'but Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde. 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first is,' said St Peter, ‘which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?’

'The second is how many seconds are there in a year?'

'The third is what was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.'

And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.
'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied; 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy?''

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.
Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy!' said the blonde.

'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'


And the blonde entered Heaven...


And what's worse... you're now singing it to yourself

[Shallot Man]

The Stranded Irishman


One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a desert island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask, and zipping down the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years!" replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.

"Faith and begorrah!" said the castaway. "Ah, that is so good! I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"


"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years!"
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
''Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman."Tis truly fantastic!!!"


At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!"

[Shallot Man]

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he is doing this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.

Reacting in total fright, he lashes out with a spade. To his horror, he kills the fish. Realizing his new employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.


Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp House, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, accidentally killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees! He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage....

because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and asks "What's the food like here?"

The lion responds:

"Absolutely brilliant.



Today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"