Please can we have some more 'funnies'?

[JohnN]

There's an hilarious "Colorectal Surgeon" song on u-tube. Google it and select the left-hand icon at the top of the page for, I think, the best version.
John N

[The Mouse]

One evening, a man arrives at a doctor's surgery:

Man: Doctor, I think I'm a moth
Doctor: Then you should see a psychiatrist
Man: I was going to, but your light was on....

[The Mouse]

A lady from London and her traveling companion were riding the train through countryside when she noticed some cows.

"What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.
"Not a bunch, herd," her friend replied.
"Heard of what?"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows."
"No, a cow herd."
"What do I care what a bunch of cows heard?! I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

[The Mouse]

You might have guessed by now that I'm very bored this morning. The only 'gardening' I have been able to do was to ferry all my tomato plants back out to the greenhouse once it was warm enough, and pot on some pepper plants which will now have to live one the bedroom windowsill until things warm up outside!

That is why I have been trawling for jokes.
Here's another, which I could have sworn I posted earlier - maybe the moderators removed it!!!

An Australian doctor and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a Quantas jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.

The doctor went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the doctor was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the doctor turned to the woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The doctor, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

[The Mouse]

Only one more, I promise!

A man walks into a pub in Wales and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the barman looks around and says: “You ain’t from around here, are you boy?”
The man says, “I’m from London.”
The barman asks, “What d’you do in London?”
The man responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The barman asks, “A taxidermist… what the rack is a taxidermist?”
The man says “I mount animals.”
The barman grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s alright boys, he’s one of us!”

[Shallot Man]

The Mouse. I have forwarded the Welsh one to all the Welsh in our Rugby Club.

[oldherbaceous]

Just had a look on-line, there was Alan, Johnboy and myself, now, if the devil was to cast his net he would have a fair old catch.

[alan refail]

The Mouse. I have forwarded the Welsh one to all the Welsh in our Rugby Club.

Here's another for them:

A Welsh lad came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.

'Wonderful, 'replies his mother, 'what part is it?'

The boy says, 'I play the part of the Welsh husband.'

The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.'

[JohnN]

A few hundred years ago during hostilities between Wales and England, an English troop was marching along a track near the border. Suddenly from out of the forest on the Welsh side came a voice: “One Welshman is worth two Englishmen!”. The captain sent two of his best men in to the woods, there was a clashing of swords and then silence.
The voice came again: “One Welshman is worth 10 Englishmen!”. So the captain sent 10 of his men in and again there was the sound of fighting and then silence.
Again the voice, “One Welshman is worth 100 Englishmen!” The captain sent his last hundred men in, there was the noise of a tremendous battle, and then silence. Slowly the captain entered the wood and found one of his men lying sorely wounded. “Go back, go back” gasped the man. “It’s a trap, there’s two of them”.

[alan refail]

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Labour spokesman: Let me just start by saying this is a global problem and nobody could have predicted the sudden extinguishing of the light. That said, we as a party have invested heavily in our country during the last 13 years and we are well placed to survive without this light bulb. We have spent over £30 billion on new light fittings and £42 billion on training new light fitting fitters. We have established a nationwide network of light fitting suppliers, without any direct cost to the taxpayer and the necessary regulatory body in fitcom who will oversee costings to consumers. We have now put in place an inquiry into the whole lightbulb incident, which is expected to report back to the House within the next 6 months.

Conservative Spokesman: This country has suffered from decades of being held to ransom by these lightbulbs, they are dated, inefficient and cost more with each passing year. We intend to do away with lightbulbs and at the same time do away with the EU and their regulations, this would then allow us to replace them with their more efficient counterpart, the candle. We will then dismantle the entire light fitting industry and open it up to competition, this will make light fittings cheaper and actually create revenue for the country in the form of taxes. This will have the added bonus of freeing up all those training places and existing light fitting fitters to pursue more productive lives and make this country once more great.

Lib Dem Spokesman: Sadly, though we have a new bulb and the ability to fit it, under our current electoral system, it is impossible to gain sufficient seats to fit it. With this in mind the other two parties have persuaded both the lightbulb fitter and the lightbulb to join their parties in order to be effective..

[Mike Vogel]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program
about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.

The husband turned to his wife and said,
"Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I'll bet you can’t tell me
anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis!"

[alan refail]

Last night Gordon Brown decided to take his former Cabinet out for a meal, to thank them for all their fabulous achievements over the last 13 years.

The waiter came round to Gordon and asked what he would like to order

‘I’ll have the steak’ barked Gordon

‘Excellent choice, sir…’ said the waiter. ‘..and for the vegetables?’

‘Oh’ said Gordon with an airy wave of his hand ‘they’ll have steak too’

[donedigging]

quote OH, Just had a look on-line, there was Alan, Johnboy and myself, now, if the devil was to cast his net he would have a fair old catch

the three wise monkeys

[Shallot Man]

> Two vampires wanted to go out to eat, but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good. So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice.
>
> On the Bridge of Sighs, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a
> person, sucked them dry and tossed the bodies into the canal below.
>
> The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first, sucked dry and tossed into the
> canal below.
>
> Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert.
>
> In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the side into the canal.
>
> The vampires decided that they had had a marvellous dinner but that it was time to head back home and leave lovely Italy. As they started to walk away they began to hear some singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realised that it was coming from the canal.
>
> They looked over and saw a big alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.
>
> They listened as the alligator sang...
>
>
>
> ...Wait for it
>
>
>
> ...it's really bad
>
>
> ...no this is really, really bad
>
>
>
>
> " Drained wops keep falling on my head..."
>
>

[Shallot Man]

Sister Mary entered the Convent Of Silence... Mother Superior told her, "Sister, this is a silent convent. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Sister Mary lived in the convent for 5 years before Mother Superior said to her "Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak 2 words now."... Sister Mary said, "Hard Bed",,,"I'm sorry to hear that," Mother Superior told her," we will get you a better bed."
Another 5 years passed and Sister Mary was again called in by the Mother
Superior.
" You may say another 2 words,Sister Mary," she told her..
"Cold Food", said Sister Mary.... So Mother Superior assured her the food would be better in the future.
On her15th anniversary at the convent, Mother Superior again called Sister Mary into her office.
"You may say 2 words today"
"I Quit", said Sister Mary.
"It's probably best", said the Mother Superior, "You've done Fu*k all but moan since you got here".