Kitchen Garden Forum

" Well isn't this a nice quiet shift......."

Doh!

When I was coping with a new baby and his 18 month old brother, my husband wrote DUST in the dust on the TV screen instead of being helpful and getting the duster out.

At about the same time, some Jehova's Witnesses came to the door at about 8.30 when I was rinsing out a bucket of dirty nappies that had been soaking (yes it is a long time ago). They wanted to know what my thoughts were about how God was dealing with the world crises.........


And a few years later - just after I had got divorced, a man came to the door and asked if he could "speak to the head of the household" I said yes and waited, and after quite a pause he said "could I speak to your husband". I'll not repeat what I said.


And yet another one - when I was manager of a delivery office, a middle aged gentleman came in and said "Run along my dear and get the manager for me". I managed to smile sweetly and say I AM THE MANAGER.

Did you tell the JWs how you had resisted temptation?

Plum Pudding , love the DUST. No wonder you divorced him.

Is that your Mum or Gran?
That question was on the tip of my tongue on a recent hen-night. Luckily thought again before I got too far into the wine. I didn't lower my voice however when I asked the bride-to-be if the woman I had been chatting to knew I had gone out with her boyfriend. She did and didn't care, it was 18 years ago.

I am notorious for putting my foot in my mouth;
When the secretary of the school in Greece I was working at told us the owner had been injured in an accident, my first question was 'Will we still get paid?'

Good evening Malk

I know all about 'foot in mouth disease'.
A group of us gathered to look at the photos being shown by our small, plump forty-something colleague. Taken about ten years earlier, she looked incredible, and very slim! While other people cooed over them, I heard the words "gosh, didn't you look different then" come out of my mouth. To any men reading this, those words might sound innocent enough, but believe me, to we women, that was the equivalent of saying "aren't you fat now?" to her!

But at least I bit my tongue on a rare visit to the hairdresser's, and didn't ask her when the baby was due - the birth was imminent judging by the size of her. Something stopped me just in time, fortunately, because she looked just the same size when I saw her again some months later!

I remember putting my foot in it at high school. We were in sewing class and the teacher was shwing us a garment she had made. She seemed very pleased with herself .
I said "What a lovely nightdress" and she replied frostily "It one of my bridesmaids dresses"

I could have died

Seedling

Ooooh, bad girl, Seedling.

A few years ago, we were in an extremely crowded pub when a bloke pushed a collection box through the folks in front of us, asking for donations. Whilst digging out change, I asked him if he was going around all the pubs, to which he replied "yes". I then said, "Well if you have a drink in every pub, you'll be legless".......the folk in front moved and it was then I saw the elbow crutches.....he only had one leg. I still cringe when I think of it.

Many years ago when visiting my parents at their house on a steep road, my brother arrived for the day to show off his brand new gleaming sports car which he parked out in the road. We were all admiring it from the front window when to our horror we saw a driverless car rolling down the hill with increasing speed heading straight for my brother's car. It crashed into it, ramming it halfway across the front lawn. I rushed out and saw in its wake a hobbling lady wearing calipers on one leg and apologising profusely "I'm so sorry but I forgot to put the handbrake on and I've got a bad leg".
"Well, you've got one good one, haven't you?" I remember screaming back at her as my brother stood speechless looking at his wrecked car which he'd only collected three hours previously.

Expecting a call from my wife's girl cousin, with whom I have a jokey relationship, I answered the phone with "City morgue, duty skeleton speaking" - only to want to sink into the floor when it turned out to be a friend telling me his wife had just died!

"the kids went to sleep hours ago dear"

"the neighbours cant see this bit of the garden and anyway theyve gone out"

No so many years ago, our son-in-law, who is black, was working as an IT trainer.
After a successful assessment, the visiting examiner, a white woman, praised (so she thought) his expertise with the words: "Well, Michael, I must say you're a credit to your race."
To his credit, his reply was: "Oh, you mean the human race!"

If your wife says "do these trousers make my bum look big ?", under no circumstances should you answer "no love, it's all the cake and biscuits you eat that does that". Even in jest. Honestly, it's not worth it. Your life will be a pit of hell and despair for weeks afterwards. It's just a good job we have a comfy sofa

FA x

Oh FA you never said that did you??? Ye gods!

Elaine wrote:Oh FA you never said that did you??? Ye gods!

'Fraid I did Elaine. It was said with a smile on my face and a laugh in my voice but the words "lead" and "balloon" spring to mind. *sigh* you live and learn

FA x