Funnies to brighten your evening

[Shallot Man]

Keep them coming snooky

[snooky]

>
> GOTTA PEE
> Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
> Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
> they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
> Breezers.
>
> Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
> pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
>
> One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
> she would take off her panties and use them.
>
> Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
> pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
>
> She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
> that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
> proceeded to wipe with that.
>
> After the girls did their business they proceeded to
> go home.
>
> The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
> that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
> bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
> 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
> worst.
> ..
>
> my wife came home with no panties!!'
>
> 'That's nothing' said the other husband,
> 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that
> said.....
>
> 'From all of us at the FireStation.
> We'll never forget you.''

[Bodger]

A 78 year old women was recently arrested for streaking across the main hall at the Chelsea Flower Show. The bad news for her was that she was fined £50 at the magistrates court. The good news ? She was awarded a gold medal for best dried flower arrangement in show.

[snooky]

> > Subject: FW: My Kinda Girl...
> >
> >
> >> Conversation with a Little Girl
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane.
> >>
> >> When the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that
> >>
> >> flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow
> >>
> >> passenger.'
> >>
> >> The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
> >>
> >> to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
> >>
> >> 'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
> >>
> >> smiles.
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> 'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
> >>
> >> you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff
> >>
> >> - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
> >>
> >> flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
> >>
> >> suppose that is?'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
> >>
> >> thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
> >>
> >> discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

[Stephen]

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ...
I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.
We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did too.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

[Stephen]

Also, if we are keeping to Lizzie's original mood:

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

--

When I got home last night, my wife complained that I never treated her and demanded that I take her someplace expensive...
so, I got out the car and took her to the local garage
And then the fight started...

[alan refail]

Several men are in the changing room at the golf club when a mobile phone left on a bench rings. One man answers on loudspeaker and begins to talk - the room goes quiet as they all listen in.
MAN:Hi
WOMAN:Hi Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?
MAN:Yes
WOMAN:I'm at the shopping centre and I've found a beautiful leather coat for £1000. Can I buy it?
MAN:Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.
WOMAN:I stopped at the Mercedes garage and saw the new CLK, I liked that one.
MAN:How much?
WOMAN:£39000
MAN:OK, but for that price I want all the options.
WOMAN:Great! Oh and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market - for £1,950,000.
MAN:Well then go ahead offer them £1,800,000. They will prbably take it, if not we can go the extra £150,000 to get it.
WOMAN:OK. I'll see you later. I love you so much!
MAN:Bye! I love you too.

The man hangs up. The others stare at him in astonishment - open mouthed.

He turns to them and says.

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[peter]

In the news today, unusual but genuine names.

Justin Case, Barb Dwyer, Stan Still, Terry Bull, Paige Turner, Mary Christmas, Anna Sasin, Doug Hole, Hazel Nutt, Rose Bush, Pearl Button, Jo King, Barry Cade, Carrie Oakey, Priti Manek, Tim Burr.

The names were uncovered by researchers from parenting group TheBabyWebsite.com after trawling through online telephone records.

The BBC report had some extra ones reported in by its website readers, including:
"My name was Susan Frame. I am a lawyer. I met and married Robert who is a banker. His surname is Mee. Now we are Sue Mee, a lawyer, and Rob Mee, a banker - ironic? I have taken no end of stick for this, believe me."

But the best by far is:

"Mine tops the lot. Think about it.
Jenny Taylor."

[The Mouse]

In the news today, unusual but genuine names.



But the best by far is:

"Mine tops the lot. Think about it.
Jenny Taylor."

My brain's slow today - it's taken me all morning to see what's funny about that. Strangely, the penny dropped as I was watching the lunchtime news and they showed a statue of a naked woman!

[snooky]

another blonde joke, although she may have been smarter than we all thought...


This is the funniest blonde joke I ever heard!





Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,
But I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.



So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, So that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY'And give me a few days off.



A few minutes later the Boss came into the office And asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.



He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office.



When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
The Boss asked her
..And where do you think you're going?'







(You're gonna love this.....)










She said,
'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

[snooky]

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again 'Have you found Jesus, me brother?'

The drunk again answers 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus'.

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath, and says to the preacher 'Are you sure dis is where he fell in?'

C

[Elaine]

A blonde goes into PC World and asks a bemused assistant for some curtains for her computer." But you don't need curtains for a computer" he says. The blonde looks at him disdainfully and retorts. "Helloooo it's got windows"

[snooky]

Why did Snow White get thrown out of Disneyland?

Because she kept on sitting on Pinocchio"s face singing"Tell me lies,tell me lies,tell me sweet little lies"



*******
Three nurses working in a morgue discover a dead man with an erection.First nurse says "Can"t let that go to waste" and rides him.Second nurse does the same.Third nurse hesitates and says she is on her period but does him anyway.
The man sits up and the nurses apologise saying they thought he was dead.Man replies that he was"but after two jump starts and a blood transfusion he feels better than ever !!

[MKPoshfan]

man called Paddy Fraser is being pestered by his priest for not coming to Mass and then one day for the first time in years he turns up; the priest congratulates him, but is told that in fact he'd come for one reason alone: someone has stolen his hat and he wants to know who's got it and he is going to kill the thief when he spots him. The service begins and the priest is a bit nervous that violence might break out during it, but he gets to the end and nothing happens. So as he says goodbye to every parishioner he watches for Paddy and asks why he changed his mind. 'oh it was when you started reading out the ten commandments'. 'so you heard ' you shall not kill' and took notice?' 'no, when you said 'you shall not commit adultery' I remembered where I left my hat'

[Mike Vogel]

I love them all.
mike