Kitchen Garden Forum

So they have commissioned some new allotments in the next village to me. The landowner had the field ploughed and then sewed grass to make paths and created 36 lovely new plots for private rent.

My mate was on the phone to me telling me all about how good it was but was puzzled by a particular thing that was happening, every time he visited the plot someone had sprinkled good quality loam about an inch at a time annoyingly on top of the plants and seeds he had newly put in.

The third time this happened he was well peed off as he now had 3 inches of fresh top soil on top of his seedlings

But you'll never believe what happened next

Well.....................

The plot thickens!!!

Oh don't tell me it was a new burial plot !!

What kind of animal leaves droppings like this?

Yodel!

Don't know but bet it was a painful experience!

Depends on the size of the critter I guess?

Two from the 'Dalesman' magazine:

A man knocked on the door of an old Dales cottage.
"Is Joe in?"
"Oh, no," said the lady, "Joe died three months ago."
"Oh, I am sorry. what happened?"
"Well, he just went down the garden to cut a cabbage for dinner and he dropped dead."
"Oh, how awful,", said the man, "What did you do?"
"I just opened a tin of peas."

********
A walker (obviously not a local) comes across an old farmer and asks,
"How do you get to Grassington from here?"
"Ar," says the farmer, "me brother teks me."

x2

A 'Dominic Cummings ' is now a golfing term. It means a really long drive that goes out of bounds but there's no penalty.

Boris Johnson walks into a Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ms could you please cash this cheque for me?"
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?"
Johnson: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Boris Johnson, the Prime Minister.
Cashier: "Yes, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."
Johnson: “Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr Johnson, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."
Johnson, "Come on please, I am urging you, please cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look sir, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque."
"Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque. So, sir, what can you do to prove that it is you and only you?"
Johnson stands there thinking and thinking and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes , Mr Johnson. ?....